Being me

[Emotions26]

 I cannot work out how to see all of the discussions

How can I read all responses?

Confused and lost before coming here

Who do I ask and how for help?

The above was written last night - day 2 of joining BB

I have responded to several posters and received some lovely replies.

I have also responded to a post written by a member a while back expressing confusion about new set up here.

Now I feel that I might have intruded upon that person's personal space.

So I went searching.

Somewhere found the suggestion start with introduce yourself - have no idea now where that is - no matter - I am here now

Then I thought.

I will start a thread or post or page myself.

Possibly nobody will reply and it will sit and collect dust.

If I don't try, I will never know.

So I have come to this place BB to extend my practising being me which I have commenced in real life.

Not an easy exercise and most people who know me are not particularly enthralled with the emerging of the new me - no surprise really as I have spent far too long listening to everyone else's egotistical chatter.

I found by chance, yes, a thread or passage by someone writing about an analogy of their life being a performance on stage.

I wanted to reply as the words intrigued me and I would love to be able to converse with that person.

I too am extremely  deep.

Well, I could not work out how the page seemed different again!

So being me is proving to be as difficult an exercise in the virtual world as it is in the real world.

Any thoughts.

Should anyone find this; read this and want to continue the conversation.

It would be nice to hear from members who are replying because they want to as much as support from champions and other titles is appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far.

[Emotions26]

Being me ....hmm

I am at a loss for words

I did not even manage one reply

I often will respond to someone whom I see has not received a response.

So I can write to myself.

That is no different to me talking to myself which I do constantly.

Ems

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems,

Lucky me found you today. I opened my browser window to 'All Conversations', just a few hours after you had posted, so your thread was listed there among the five most recently posted to threads.

Not so lucky I didn't find you'd written here 3 weeks ago. I would have replied to you then.

I tend not to read back over my writing so much, except to edit & tidy it up. Because I don't remember much of what I said to anyone these days, I have to look back just to remind me of what was said. 

Talking here is a very long-distance tennis game.

Sometimes it can help to see where we have been compared to where we are now. & sometimes it's not helpful if it seems we are back to where we began after years of making considerable efforts to help ourselves, to learn all these strategies for becoming more mentally well - maybe more mentally well than we've ever been. & it feels like you are in a marathon, with stormy weather to contend with.

I understand the kind of loneliness this creates.

I have felt all my protective & defensive structures fall down, only to realise I'd built them on unstable foundations. There was no going back for me.

I've had to learn new things, new ways to keep myself safe, new stuff about my right to make boundaries which others must respect. I had to learn not to give in because someone else decided for me what I ought to want.

I note you have kept up communications with amd1953. It seems to me the connection between the two of you is important to you both, so I stepped away, thinking that is a space for you, to talk to someone. Not like talking to yourself, which is like talking to an empty room, with only echoes of your own words to be heard.

You could be endlessly going round in circles doing that.

I don't write to myself so much anymore for that reason.

I have found it is better to have someone who does not judge, but who asks questions to keep the conversation from getting stuck in one place, someone who has never imposed views & opinions upon me, but who helps me explore what it is I'm thinking & feeling.

My deep worry is that I will not find someone other than my current psychiatrist who will sit with me & give me the space to turn my thoughts & feelings into actual spoken words & allow me to experience that I am going to be safe when I open up.

Huugzies,

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello meme kitty kitty

Thank you for a lovely surprise

As for finding posts that is not my forte at all

In fact I spend far more time reading whatever is the latest conversation wherever it is than reading my notifications which I only recently  remembered that there was such a thing

I think that I understand your meaning between the lines

You are weary of all of the this is good for you this is not good for you

try this no do not read that or eat that

around and around and around we go....the mulberry bush

I have had so much therapy which I have cut back and he now tells me that it is "my therapy"... we will do it however I want to" I have also told him that it is not really psychotherapy anymore and I do not like the term psychiatry either.  So my suggestion was to throw away all of the textbooks.  Whatever comes up on the day to see where that leads. 

I have become even more literal than I was before which I did not think possible.

I find that when people are talking to me (not that often) that they might use a word to describe something about myself what I am wearing what I am feeling and or much more.....their word just does not fit

So I will reply with well actually it is not that...it is more this...  

Trust I can relate to wholeheartedly...I feel what you are saying.

It is so hard to build trust when the past has trampled all over it time and time again even though reassured am in a safe space.

This is something else that I am working hard at not focussing on because I know that all of my heightened sensory perceptions are working overtime along with the highly sensitive person attributes anyway.

So why am I  wasting energy.  I already automatically have boundaries in place.  By the way I never tell anyone about the boundaries. For me they do not need to know in fact I feel that it is safer that they do not.

I am probably not making sense at all.

I have reached a stage where I am throwing away everything that I have read, been told and so on

I am listening to myself and working hard at putting myself higher up the ladder because that ladder is so top heavy

I am a mess still at random times   I feel joy random....my dark humour emerges without warning....I talk to myself...I laugh out loud

I am working hard at accepting me more and more

Not easy but much more interesting than trying to follow stuffy old text book thinking

Do not take any notice of any of the above for yourself.  I am no expert.

I am me

Please keep on working on allowing yourself to feel safe knowing that you have all of your very own protections in place.

This does not mean that you open up to every single soul

Your story can remain safe..within you...what you actually wish to share

Stay meme kitty kitty   

[mmMekitty]

Hi Ems&Ems

I have found it has done me a lot of good, when I recognise what I want, tell the relevant people what it is, (though it can be difficult to find the words to say), just trying, & when it seems someone understands & respects what I've told them, that feels good, too.

However, people being what they are, sometimes, let's face it, more often than not, they don't understand. That can feel frustrating & I still feel anxious to even speak up even though I've had some success.

As you say, it's hard after years of people trampling all over you, to take the risk of that happening again.

What do I gain if I don't try?

My psychiatrist, (PDr), has reminded me on several occasions, especially when I tell him I don't know what to say, that the time I have with him is my time, I'm paying (& Medicare), for the time I have with him & it's up to me how I use the time.

I think, because it has seemed to me that most people have decided for me what boundaries there will be or if any at all, that I want to be explicit about what I will accept & what I will not. Ambiguity or guessing or allowing people to make assumptions hasn't worked for me.

However, I'm still prone to relaxing those boundaries I feel sure I want respected.

& I feel my brain aging. I suspect I am going to develop dementia.

Have I left my 'growing up' too late? 

... Not completely growing up, though. I want to play, use my imagination to have fun. 

I also talk to myself, or simply aloud to my tv, phone, computer, whatever is not doing what I think it ought to do, whether I press the right buttons or not, & I laugh aloud, too. It's not a problem - indeed, I think, much better than the screaming & arguing & breaking of things that my neighbours do.

Hugzies,

mmMekitty

[Emotions26]

Hello mmee k

I have not been back on here for a couple of weeks now I think; my sleep is all over the place the little that I manage and I am very drained. Spring has arrived and when no wind I am out in the garden pottering whilst I can. I can feel the difference as soon as I leave the house. I should have been born in a tree house.  I cannot do as much in fact nowhere near what I was able to even a year ago. This saddens me and at the same time I tell myself that I am not alone with this experience and life definitely does pass so very quickly. I relish what I can smell, see and hear. The bird life has multiplied and bees; butterflies. They are all quite happy flitting around me. My very old gum tree is home to so many creatures. A worker who comes here said that there will be a whole community up there. I want to move up there myself! Oh goodness. That would be an adventure. Mind you they might not be very happy with that concept. They are happy with me watering their tree and pruning, feeding attending to all the smaller trees, bushes, plants beneath and nearby..

Boundaries I think that I approach them differently to you. I set my own boundaries to keep certain people at a safe distance. I have to keep on moving them as they try to push through inevitably with their forceful; intrusive personalities and character traits.  On the odd occasion that I reduce the stronghold intensity some seep through. 

Standing up for myself I see as separate to my setting boundaries. I will stand up for myself unless I feel that the situation might put me at risk. I still answer with conviction though. 

Trust, yes once eroded too many times and most definitely repeatedly by the same people does get harder to rebuild. Many I adapt how much time I spend in there company and some I do no longer engage in conversation with. If they speak too me I respond as briefly as I can. I give them back the little that they have always given me.

Other people set their own boundaries and with most they are not aware that boundaries exist. 

They are invisible to the average sensory human level.

I am not sure what you mean by your statement that you feel your brain ageing.  

Confusion can reign for many people for very different reasons and can easily be a source of concern as this is one of the many symptoms of dementia in some people. It is actually different for every person.

I understand your concern though as there is so much written about the risks of developing dementia.

Too much really as it just often adds to the pile of confusion.

Too many experts. Text book experts. Was internet experts now AI experts. Heaven forbid that we start absorbing their advice. 

If you are very concerned though I would suggest that you not only discuss the fact with your psychiatrist but also your gp. Who knows you better? Who sees you more often and might be able to discern any changes?

I have asked myself this question and spoken to my psychiatrist also. He has not seen any evidence.

So rather than add yet another diagnosis that is of no help to me; I am hanging on to my sense of humour with both arms and legs. Perhaps I have converted into a primate!

You still have your sense of humour. Play with it. Have fun.

You have friends on here who care about you, mmee and continue to write to them all.

Bye for now and take care

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ems,

That environment outdoors, in your garden with trees butterflies etc all around you sounds lovely, as does the idea of having a tree house. Although, these days, I may need a hoist to get me up & down, I think I'd enjoy having a tree house, too. When I got the chance, I loved to climb trees. I think there must be at least one tree-climbing tree in every yar. hopefully it also flowers & fruits & hosts many small creatures, too.

Seems to me, you have a really good understanding of boundaries, & have set your own, to suit your own needs

As for my brain aging, I mean, I'm now 67, & I have felt my brain is not as quick as it once was. I'm learning as well as I once did. When I remember things, ithe memories are slower to surface. I think that's my aging brain. I feel my forgetfullness is a little more than can be attributed to aging. Even the times I feel I'm not concentrating well, even when not tired, or feeling I'm not following what's being said to me, again even when not so tired that keeping my eyes open is difficult, may also be more than regular aging. Yes, I fear & dread I am heading into some form of dementia. Not a quick & so obvious to people around me, but still, I have noticed changes over the last few years. It's like how I continue to notice changes in my eyesight, but how the ophthalmologist examines & measures my eyes, he can't seem to recognise how much my vision has changed.

Of-course I want to speak to GP & psychiatrist about how I have been feeling. I do not expect anyone here to even hazard a guess about what's going on for me.

You, too, take care of yourself.

Hugzies,

mmMekitty