Alone in the dark.

[Joshy_T]

Hi, Im josh, 28 years old from southern victoria.
I really dont know how this site works so i guess ill lay it down here
Over my life iv struggled with depression and anxiety, Because of love, work or family. Iv always managed to pull my self up with the help of a friend, A partner or a relative...

But this time is different, i fell further then ever before and without a a lifeline to help me cope.

5 days ago the voice i heard that always reassured me ill do better next time and never give up stopped talking to me... all im left with is the darkest parts of me, the parts that wish me to fail, Everytime i try to speak to someone it starts "They dont care" "You sound stupid" "You're just an annoyance" "all you do is drag people down" i try to ignore it and think positive but.. i cant, The angel on my shoulder was replaced with another pitchfork an all day my faults are plastered though my thoughts, Any good i think i do is immediately shatter, Iv tried to speak to my doctor but the idea of telling someone this face to face sets me into a panic attack, "haha your probably crazy" "You belong in a padded cell" "Maybe your just weak". I thought at first maybe its just a bump in the road if life, i mean it happens, But Its getting harder to ignore, Im sent to bed each night in tears, Bullied and pushed, But the one persons opinions i cant escape.


Me.

[Doolhof]

Hi Josh,

Welcome to the community here. It can be hard to find the courage to admit how you are feeling when life feels so horrid and painful. Many people here totally understand what you have written and the confusion you are experiencing!

I would like to encourage you to talk with your Dr. Believe me, the Dr will have heard similar experiences many times over and will hopefully be understanding and helpful.

If you find it difficult to verbally tell the Dr what is happening for you, it is okay to write it down, on paper or on your phone and hand that information to the Dr as well.

Tears are okay too. It doesn't matter who you are, we are all made to cry when life gets too much.

Depression does try to knock that angel off our shoulders. We have to realise that is what is happening and get back up again when we can.

To me, being happy all the time is not at all possible. There are days when I am miserable. That is okay. I can work on changing my mood when I can move on.

The Beyond Blue website has helpful information on depression and what helps. They also have a wonderful support team you can talk to on the phone 1300 22 4636 24 hours a day or via on line chat. ( The second option is available 3.00 p.m. to midnight)

I experience some very severe days of depression. Today has been a good day for me. I have managed to get some jobs done, cleaned up part of the garden, have been tolerable around my husband and will cook our dinner later on.

There is so much more I could write! Reach out and seek help, both here and in your surrounding life.

If some people don't understand your depression and don't know how to help, that is okay. Keep looking for people who can.

Regards from Doolhof

[Guest_4643]

Hi Josh, welcome to the forums. Firstly, good on you for joining and sharing your story, that in itself is a big step and took a lot of courage so well done. I hope you can find support here and enjoy it, it's fairly easy to use, you can always email the Mod Team if you have any questions and/or concerns.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. But just know that the negative thoughts aren't true, it's just your mind playing tricks on you, you could say. Mental illnesses give people a false perception of themselves and the world. I know how hard it is because I deal with the same things.

You're not stupid, you're not an annoyance, you don't bring people down, you're not crazy, you're not weak, and people do care. Us on the forums definitely do.

My advice would be to find a GP in your suburb or one nearby, and explain to them how you're feeling, try to get one that specialises in mental health so they have some knowledge. Then if you don't already have a Psychologist and/or Psychiatrist, you can ask them for a Mental Health Care Plan so Medicare pays for it for up to 10 sessions, or something like that. You have every right to choose your own therapist, and if you're not comfortable with seeing them face to face, you can see someone online like on Telehealth (like Skype) which is what I do with my Psychiatrist (through this company and he's in Sydney, I'm also in Vic like you). It's completely up to you.

Please know that you're stronger mentally and physically than you think and like I mentioned, you're brave to join the forums and share your story. This is a safe place, no one will judge you, everyone here will be respectful and support you. We care and we're listening, we're here for you, always. Myself included.

Please take care of yourself, I'm always here on the forums if you need me or someone to talk to.

Love and hugs to you, stay safe and I hope you feel better soon somehow.

Tayla x

[hob2]

try & be kind to yourself.