Hi Starre
Looking back on all my years in depression, I see them very differently now compared to how I saw them while I was in that depression. Of course, hindsight is great but does not always exist at the time you need it most.
In a life that was upsetting, I felt the upset, the push to not stay in life in the form it was in. Looking back, life was incredibly angering and highly triggering at times, more often than not. I was angry with so many people and I understand why. I was angry with the psychiatrist I saw, for being useless. I was angry with my husband because he did nothing outstanding to change the way I was feeling the depressing aspects of the marriage. I was angry with people who told me 'You're too sensitive' or 'You just need to get on with life and stop thinking so much' (grrr), angry with myself for not being able to find the way out of depression and the list goes on. Then I'd beat myself up for being so 'unreasonable' and angry and then that would become deeply depressing. You know that kind of internal dialogue, 'What is wrong with you? Why are you so stupid? Why are you so unreasonable? Why are you so difficult to get along with? Why are you so angry all the time? Why are you so broken? Why are you so hopeless? Why can't you just be happy, like everyone else?' and on and on it goes.
The strange thing about all those depressing questions is they're valid. With an accusing or degrading tone, they're depressing. With a loving and gentle tone, they become valid questions that can provide some surprising revelations. Picking just one from the list, 'Why are you so hopeless?!' is a depressing question/statement when the internal dialogue sounds harsh. Asked gently and lovingly, as a valid question, 'Why are you so hopeless?' or 'Do you know why you feel such hopelessness?' requires a thoughtful answer. For myself, that hopelessness in depression was a result of no one leading me to feel hope. How can you feel what's not there? How can you feel what no one brings to you? 'Who or what would bring me hope, to replace the lack?' becomes the next question. Such a simple question can trigger a long line of questioning, such as the next question perhaps being 'Why does no one know how to bring me hope?' and/or 'What is wrong with the people around me? Do they possess issues that don't allow them to bring hope to someone who feels such a lack of it, such as someone in a deep depression?'. A single question can lead to so many revelations.
