wishing i was dead and just sharing about how i feel about life

tom123hh

i am not sure how to use this forum. i dont want to post anything into a public forum which might be wrong to post. i want to tell anyone how i am feeling and what i have been thinking about. but i realise that some or much of my life situation might be my own fault. maybe im not strong enough or motivated enough to keep myself well and handling life.

i get sad and i worry about life. many have worries about money and how to pay for everything that life might throw at us. i dont want everything to be about money and i am unsure but thinking that other struggles are happening to. as the title says i wish i was dead. have wished for this for many years. but i guess here i am just trying to talk about why and what i feel like. i guess i just feel like life can be to difficult to handle sometimes. it feels like very often or even everyday.

im sorry if not text not laid out well. was going to be all one paragraph until i tried to split things up. all this in this post might be to much stuff.

i feel like i have so much to say but not sure if it is ok to say it all here. i have tried to talking to lifeline and beyond blue about how i have been feeling. i tried quite a bit of working, volunteering and doing some study during my 20s and 30s. there was enough problems during doing these things. having always had trouble working etc might affect how much money is available. maybe i dont trust people. maybe i feel like i cant handle people and problems. maybe i am worried that i will not be able to handle much of what life throws at us at different times.

just the last few weeks, i have been worried about anything that could and does happen in life. i have not felt ok. i have felt sad. have had problems getting along with family for a long time. and even just the last few months have had to little to no contact with family. my family would be currently only 3 people. i only have a few friends.

i am feeling guilty now for wishing my life was over. i have felt this way because my life feels like it has been to much worry and sadness etc. i am worried if i will be handle anything and everything that might happen in life. i try to avoid people quite often because obv it seems easier to avoid. i dont feel like i get on well with people and i feel like i cant handle people and problems. there might or might not often be problems.

i wanted to use this to share thoughts and feelings. but im not sure it is going ok.

indigo22

Hi Tom123hh,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I can empathise with much of what you have said, I have been dealing with depression for more than 50 years and have been through times where suicidal ideation has consumed my thoughts. It is not an easy world to live in right now, financially, emotionally and many other ways and many are suffering mental health issues as a result.

I know you said you have spoken to the helplines, but wondering if you have had any ongoing support from counselling? I know from experience how difficult it is to manage what you are feeling without support, it is near impossible to stop the internal chatter and constant ruminating.

Have you been diagnosed? Have you tried medication to get on top of this? A little more information on what you have tried or are trying would be helpful if you are comfortable sharing.

Please feel free to continue this conversation.

Take care of yourself,

indigo

tom123hh

firstly i could have so much more to say here about how i been feeling and things i think about. not wanting to exist anymore might be a common thought or feeling that many others have had similar experience with. i guess its bad having those thoughts for so long. like i wish i could be gone now or ages ago would of been ok to. changing not wanting to exist into trying to live might sometimes seem difficult. i have seen counsellors and psychologists a lot before and this is why i blame myself for not geting better sometimes. because all the counselling, therapy and medication ive ever had sometimes feels like none of it has ever helped or i havent allowed it to help or something.

i am on anti-psychotic medication right now and im ok to trying again to add an anti-depressant to that soon. i think my diagnosis is borderline personality disorder with anxiety and depression and possible other mental health things. i wonder if sometimes i am just feeling sad or bored and worried etc. there is so much i am trying to share about here about what i think i have been going thru. i hope it will be ok to share my thoughts and feelings here in what might be a more permanent way compared to a brief temp chat or talk session with lifeline for example.

i feel worse lately now that i am just looking for an easy way to end wateva feelings or struggles etc. for a while been sad, worried or struggling with things etc. sadly i still wish i was dead quite often if not daily. if im lazy that makes me feel worse. if i lack motivation. i dont like not feeling ok. i dont like worrying. i wish i wanted to live. i wish i could just get on with my life and do what i need and want. i guess i worry that i will struggle or not be able to do some things that might happen in life sometimes. only example i can give right now is moving house. worry that i will struggle with all thats involved with moving out or moving somewhere else. ive heard i shouldnt worry until something happens. i should be better prepared and i guess im upset if i struggle to be. i guess i dont know what im saying. i feel like maybe it difficult to talk about and know what i want. i feel like there is a lot im thinking and feeling again. i not sure what im saying. life is all sorts of different ways for so many people. i might be wrong but some might get thru life ok and some might not. i guess and hope i just think and talk about life.

i try to go for a walk everyday if able to for at least about 2 hours. i try to go before it gets to late in the day. but sometimes it takes me a while to eat and be ready to go out. i wasnt going to but i tried to split this up into smaller paragraphs again this time.

melodica

Tom, I hear so much of myself in what you’ve written. Nothing you’ve said feels like “too much” or wrong for this space. It sounds like someone who’s exhausted and trying to make sense of things, not someone who doesn’t want to be here. There’s a difference between wanting the pain or pressure to stop and wanting your life to end, and it sounds like you’re sitting in that space where everything feels heavy and unmanageable.

For me, I’ve learned that blaming myself for not getting better never helped. It wasn’t a matter of strength or motivation. Sometimes the support just hasn’t matched what we need yet. Counsellors, medication, trying again, getting tired, trying again… it’s not failure, just surviving.

It also sounds like you need ongoing support, not just emergency conversations or one-off chats. In Australia you can go to a GP, ask for a mental health care plan, and get sessions with a psychologist bulk-billed or heavily reduced. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start, and it means you don’t have to manage this alone. You deserve more than crisis-to-crisis coping.

The practical stuff you mentioned can get huge when your emotional energy is already drained. It makes sense to feel like ordinary tasks could break you. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, you’re overwhelmed.

I don’t have neat answers, but I just wanted you to know you’re not “failing at life” or “not trying hard enough”. You're been carrying too much for too long.

If the thoughts ever shift into plans or feeling unsafe, please reach out straight away: Lifeline 13 11 14, Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467, or Beyond Blue again. you’re worth support in those moments.

You’re allowed to keep talking here.

indigo22

You are doing fine Tom,

We are hear to listen and help so it is more than ok to keep talking about things, I have found that it helps a great deal to get things out of my head when life feels overwhelming. In the past, I would give myself a hard time because I was having a rotten day, but these days I just say "ok, this is not a good day but perhaps tomorrow will be better". It allows me to let the emotions surface and pass through me rather than trying to bury them, which only means I will have to face them another day.

It is hard to feel motivated when you feel like everything is weighing you down. I am glad to hear that you try to get a walk in each day. Is there somewhere in particular you like to walk? A beach, forest or lake perhaps? Nature can be so soothing when we are in such inner turmoil.

Did you know that moving is one of the major events in life that can take a toll on our mental health? You don't need to feel like you are not doing it right, it is hard no matter how you deal with it. My last move took a huge toll, mostly because I was not in the right frame of mind to deal with it. But at the end of the day, I did move and fortunately it was one of the better decisions I have made. My stress levels have dropped a great deal simply because the pressures that I had prior to the move are not there anymore.

Take your time Tom, try writing about one or two things that are weighing heavily on you then move on to another couple of things. We will be here to support you.

It's not always easy to find the right medication or the right support person, it doesn't mean you have failed or that it's your fault, it just means you need to try again until you find what works for you.

Thinking of you with care,

indigo

Alikiwi

Hi Tom,

I certainly feel for you, and the above advice covers it well. I'm impressed you try to do 2 hour walks, but if that seems too much some days, try a 1 hour walk if you can, and maybe let it last longer if you feel better once you're out and about. Life can be very frustrating, and after 5 failed marriages and being totally alone, xmas on my own 2 years now, I know about frustration.

There are people willing to help, so please make use of them and always feel free to vent here any time.

tom123hh

thankyou for the replies, encouragement and advice. i sometimes start to worry that i wont be able to or shouldnt keep the conversation going about wateva it is that i might going thru. not sure if i will post an update here daily or a few times a week. not sure how to use this forum or if its even ok to post updates in the same forum thread. i am feeling like part of my days is mood swings. bad moods might be worst sometimes in the mornings and sometimes last all day with worry and not feeling ok and other negative thoughts and feelings while maybe trying to get on with the day aswell. i feel we all need things to help us keep busy but perhaps no one wants to be so busy that its stressful with other problems. some people have to work at a certain time most days. some people just have appointments everyday or every now and then. some people might handle being busy, some maybe cant handle it.

i can agree with people that life these days might be quite stressful or worrying for some people, cost of living, affordable housing shortage, feeling safe, getting along with everyone and many other things that are happening. sometimes thinking im just not good enough to handle life and manage my thoughts and emotions is just part of the process of trying to figure out life and thinking about life. am i good enough. am i trying hard enough to live life and have purpose and keep busy. frustrating mental health reasons that might make working, volunteering, learning and being around people difficult or impossible. not everyone works. not everyone is able to work. comparing to others might not be good. being aware that some are doing better and some are doing worse. circling back to being worried about wateva might happen in life and if we can handle things that happen.

i try to be thankful when i can go walking. weather can affect my wanting to walk tho most days here last few weeks have been dry. trying to work on how to handle if weather no good for walking, by not going and doing something else or raincoat, umbrella or just dealing with getting soaked. even if it takes me a while to be ready to go, always trying to challenge to go earlier if possible rather then mid arvo but even if it is mid arvo still thankful if i can go walking at that time. sometimes i might feel like i can get thru the rest of my day with a little less worry and sadness once i start walking. walking for as long as needed without walking to much. pros and cons. then i might get some stuff from the supermarket. go home and do something for a bit unless its already time to make dinner or make dinner at a reasonable time. watch youtube or tv and movies. i like documentaries and vidoes of interesting things and eventually go to sleep. i think i usually sleep ok.

getting up and starting a new day has felt like when struggle and worry can be bad, some or most days lately. which makes sense. a new day just trying to live and get organised but worrying and sadness and wishing i had relief from wateva i am struggling with or worrying about. i avoid people as much as possible because i feel i am not good at dealing with people. i have things and have had things to be thankful for. ive been lucky if ive had enough to survive and live recently or even for a while. lucky to have a home. and most of what i need to live. cant afford everything we want and need and need to be careful with finances. i am worried if i share to much here. in what i guess is a public forum. it is nice to be able to let others know how i have been feeling and hear from others who can relate or have ways to try to cope or get better.

there might be so much more i could share about my life and thoughts on life and living, maybe i am sharing to much. i have been reading some of the forums and it is appreciated that no matter what anyone is going thru, people are being respected no matter what mental health levels, worry, negative thoughts, feelings, hopelessness, despair, suicidal thoughts, struggles, difficulties, etc. hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. or make the most of each day we are given because we never know how much time we have left. all these sort of things and many other things are part of life. or just doing the best we can everyday. or being ok with not being ok sometimes... there is so much to think and talk about life. but then some say maybe we shouldnt try to think and talk about everything all the time. like someone said perhaps every now and then just pick a few things to talk about...

indigo22

Hi again Tom,

We encourage people to use the same thread as it helps us keep track of the conversation and the advice that has already been talked about. You can add to this thread as often as you feel the need. There is no judgement here, we are all going through our own mental health issues, some of us are further along the road than others, and some are just trying to understand what they are feeling. It is all relevant, if it is important to you, it is important to us.

Distractions have their place in recovering, some type of hobby that gets you out of your head for a while and gives you a sense of achieving something can be very helpful. The constant ruminating can drag you down and sap your energy, finding something purposeful to take you away from that for a while each day does help.

I found reading books related to my mental health issues helped me to understand my thoughts and reactions better, I would recommend this if you like to read or listen to audio books. Learning more about yourself can really help. Or perhaps listen podcasts on subjects that interest you. Or perhaps you enjoy building things, putting models together and painting them, some carpentry, etc. Just as long as it keeps you interested and focused on what you are doing so you get a break from thinking. Similar to the effect that walking has for you.

One other suggestion I have is to write your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Just write whatever you are thinking or feeling so it is no longer circling in your head and it is a good way to check on your progress in a few months time. You may see a change in how you are thinking and feeling over time.

We will be here whenever you feel the need,

indigo

therising

Hi Tom

I'm so glad you've found so many supportive people here, those who genuinely care and are interested in making a difference to you. I find sometimes what makes a difference involves finding people who'll wonder with us, so that we're not left wondering alone when it comes to things like

'Why am I struggling so much?'
'Why am I feeling the emotions I'm feeling and what exactly are they?'
'What could possibly make some difference in my life?'

and the list goes on. I find wondering alone can feel like a form or torture at times, as the answers don't always come so easily. If they do come, progress can feel like it's being made at a snails pace.

I believe one of the greatest things about finding a circle of wonderful or wonder filled people is...they won't let us jump to the wrong conclusions. For example, while we may declare at times 'I am broken', those who wonder with us may insist 'You're not broken in need of fixing, perhaps you have not yet come to fully understand yourself'. As Indigo points to, greater self understanding can help unlock things, including the way forward. While we may jump to the wrong conclusion and believe we are feeling in all the wrong ways, those who wonder with us may suggest that all feelings are telling and therefor have an important message to give to us. Further wonder leads us to question. 'Why do I constantly feel what 'down' feels like or what a depression feels like?' may be just one question. Took me some decades to realise that the absence of that which raises me can be felt. Can take some people decades to finally find the people who they can feel raising them. The absence diminishes. Can take some people decades to finally find the kind of chemistry or mindset or part of themself that they can feel raising them. The absence diminishes. Can take some people decades to finally find the kinds of people who feel in similar ways to them, kindred spirits you could say. The absence diminishes.

Tom, I wish with all my heart that you feel the nature of the circle of people who you invite in through this thread you've created. You have brought us all together to be thoughtful, to wonder, to feel and to share.

tom123hh

i guess this is another daily update. im worried that i might get stuck or be stuck or going round in circles. i will feel bad if it seems like i struggle or not wanting to do anything to self help myself get better. medication can be reviewed again and therapy or counselling sessions can be tried again. but sometimes im not sure anything is going to help and i really just want my whole life to be over. i try to be thankful for all i need to be thankful for, eg hopefully i dont have to move for a while, but never know what might happen.. also, it feels difficult for anything ok or good in my life to be enough to keep going. the negative thoughts and feelings and any other struggles or difficulty with life seem more powerful.

i have had much time to think about my life and what i want. it feels like my brain has convinced itself that it would be better if i was gone. and when im feeling very negative and low i really wish i could end my life because i feel like that would mean i wouldnt have to worry or struggle about this life anymore. i dont want to feel sad about anything in my life or sad about anything bad that is happening in the world. distraction like walking, shopping, making and eating dinner and watching tv until falling asleep feels like temporary which it is. and having to live another day might happen. some permanent terminal health problems with suffering qualify for dying with dignity. some or many things do not qualify.

i get that distraction doesnt deal with problems and problems come back or continue after the period of distraction. even if we never know how much time we have left to live when anything could happen. being challenged to try make the most of each day. my mental health feels to me like severe suffering at times and i have thought a lot about if i would be ok if i could end my life peacefully. im sorry but this is just how i have been feeling again today, this morning. i am unsure if i can explain how i feel, why or what is going on. and what i want or wish could be done about it. wishing i could turn my life around and have more joy and be able to cope and handle wateva life throws at me. or wishing that i had a peaceful way to end my life so i wouldnt have to worry or be sad about this life and world anymore. i have tried to have faith in god and heaven. but i am still unsure about things and if there is afterlife. or maybe there is just nothing. the problem with believing in heaven is that if heaven is real so must hell be and most will not want to go to hell according to what anyone or anything says hell is.

i have to try to go walking again today. and everyday i get up, all i can do if dont have a way to end my life, is try to get on with my day. church is tomorrow and im trying to decide whether i will go or not. chruch is just something to go to and something to try, maybe it is just something else to try, and its something to try to be ready for at a certain time or appointments i have to be ready for.. i still worry about what will happen if its raining before i want to walk or it starts while im walking. ive got caught in rain before. but luckily a while ago. it can be ok but also upsetting that everything i have on me gets soaked. i feel this has been all over the place this time. there feels like so much more to talk about regarding life etc. thankyou.