Hi bonnylass, thank you for joining us.
I can see you have a lot of pain and struggle in your life. As a mum of grown up kids I understand that feeling that their lives are somehow our fault, even though we know they are not really. It's very hard not to feel that way, but the thing is, that feeling and those thoughts help no-one, neither you nor them. They must live their lives and make their mistakes.
One day maybe they will wake up and want to change things. Perhaps they too might go through these sad feelings about how they are living. You love your kids and in my view the very best thing you can do for them is to keep the door open. There might come a time when they need to walk through it. My late mum once said to me when I was a young adult 'if you ever need to run, run home first'. I never did, but knowing I could was a comfort to me during some very difficult times.
Bonnylass, what really stands out for me from your post is a sense of determination and hope. There's a very admirable strength in your words. Hold onto that hun, use it. It is very possible to turn things around and, yes, as you say, it's baby steps. That's a very good way to approach it. I relate to your approach of getting your 'house in order', literally. I find sometimes when I'm in a bad way just doing the housework or cooking helps me feel like I'm in control of something - and that I am worth good food, a tidy house, clean clothes etc.
There may be times again when you sink, so perhaps in preparation could you write down some of the things you are thinking now - positive things about yourself and how you are going to make improvements. It's handy to have things like that to remind us of our goals when we're depressed.
You have made a great start hun, and it's so lovely to have you here. Please keep talking with us.
Very best wishes
Kaz
