Aww messy, you're not weak or a coward.
People generally drink to manage pain. We might have been through difficult times, or have an underlying tendency to anxiety, or both.
There's no way of learning good coping mechanisms when we are young, unless we happen to have unusually aware parents. We certainly don't learn this at school. So we turn to other things.
Until we deal with the underlying suffering, it's hard to just give up our coping mechanism, until it becomes so destructive we have to look for other ways. You might be at this point.
The good news is that there are many people who have trodden this path before, and will greet you with love and understanding.
AA may be a good place to start - it's not just for people who are completely down and out, it's for anyone whose drinking affects their lives. And you can find a meeting almost anywhere. Just google and you'll find one. Don't worry, they won't ask you to change overnight.
In the meantime, please know that you can say anything here and not be judged. This forum is full of people who are trying to find their way, and they will just want to support and care for you.
