A difficult place to begin

Cool_Change · ‎10-01-2022

Just today I have turned to Beyond Blue, and I'm embarrassed and distressed to admit to be in this situation.

At 66 years of age, I'm living in a constant state of depression, anxiety and lack of confidence. It has gradually gripped me over a period of many years. This has to stop, and get my happiness and confidence back.

I'm at the top of my game in my professional career, but my personal and family life is destructing.

I am unhappy in my marriage. Don't get on with my in-laws ... they are self centred and judgmental. Have lost most friendships. Have lost the connection to many important family members.

People can pick up on this lack of confidence in me, and often I find myself in a position of having to defend how and why I do things, or otherwise this opens the door to be over ruled. This agitates me.

I have just one close & valued friend who is important to me, but whom is not respected by the rest of my family. I can't allow things to get to the stage of losing this person.

I have 2 grown-up children (and who have their own children). My daughter is supportive of me, however my son has no contact with me.

This is not the way that I expected my life to be at. Not at this stage of my life.

white knight · ‎10-01-2022

Hi CC, welcome

I'll take one issue at a time. Please dont be embarrassed, your issues are common sadly.

"At 66 years of age, I'm living in a constant state of depression, anxiety ......" Have you sort medical help with these conditions or have a history?

'....lack of confidence" There is some things you can do to regain it, usually multiple actions collectively can help. Tackled here-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

"I am unhappy in my marriage" Have you considered separation? If not, is it too hard?

"Don't get on with my in-laws ... they are self centred and judgmental. " You didnt marry your in-laws. Perhaps you should release yourself from their world? It's ok to do so.

"People can pick up on this lack of confidence in me, and often I find myself in a position of having to defend how and why I do things, or otherwise this opens the door to be over ruled. This agitates me." You sound like a 'people pleaser' lack of confidence results in seeking others approval for actions and when they are objective it hurts. Remove their chance of over ruling by firm decision making with one party only, never a group eg your wife.

"valued friend who is important to me, but whom is not respected by the rest of my family." Is there a reason this valued friend is not respected by your family. Perhaps the same reason you aren't? Some families dont like outside influences that support the person they like controlling.

"my son has no contact with me." Very common. My youngest of two daughters has no contact with me either. After many years of her hurting me (like my ex, her mother did) I've decided after research that she is narcissistic and bad for my health. My parental heart takes a battering but overall I'm better off sadly. Talk about this if you wish.

"This is not the way that I expected my life to be at. Not at this stage of my life." Big question- why dont you entertain changing your life? Is the unhappiness tolerable for the rest of your life or you feel stuck.?

I've listed another few threads below- just need to read the first post of each.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/confidence--how-do-you-get-it

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/boredom-the-closed-door-to-fun-

That's a start, reply anytime

TonyWK

smallwolf · ‎10-01-2022

hi and welcome to the forums.

I will reply to one point you made in your post. You mentioned you have lost friends and connections with family members. I assume you mean you just do not talk to them.

That being the case, what is stopping you from reaching out to them?

I ask this question as there was was a time when I felt I had no one to talk to. So I reached out to someone I knew on FB and we renewed our friendship from where we left off. From many years ago. It is doable. Wanting to is another thing. Would you like to renew those relationships?

There are other things you could try such as assertiveness with the inlaws. But will leave that for another post.

I hope to hear from you again.

Cool_Change · ‎11-01-2022

Hello TonyWK

Thank you for your post.

Some years ago I raised some of my problems with my GP, and he referred me to a psychologist.

The psyc was a decent enough person, but I felt that we simply didn't "click". I have also been on various prescription medications, but that was not helpful. I am still on a regular medication, but that isn't a cure.

My wife and I run our own business. I have tried to hold onto my marriage moreso to keep the business operating.

My close friendship is a part of the reason for my wife & in-laws to play the judgmental card. I am rid of my in-laws and their meddling, however of course my wife remains close to them.

This past Christmas period has been particularly difficult to cope with, and my thoughts for myself started to become "dark".

I will go back to my GP, and seek another psychologist.

We will chat again soon

Cool_Change · ‎11-01-2022

Hello Smallwolf,

Thank you for your post.

An overview of the family and lost friends of the situation:

The friends I lost were as a result of my decision to drop them, some of whom I had known from school days, as they had reached a point of being patronising and arrogant towards me ... as my opinions and choices didn't matter to them ... as long as I met their expectations.

I don't understand why my son keeps his distance from the rest of my immediate family. He simply disconnected from seeing members of my family. Yet he knows of the difficulties I've gone through.

As for the in-laws: They are out of my life, however my wife remains very close to them (of course).

During my early years I enjoyed a close connection with a cousin & Aunty & Uncle. This connection fell apart a few years ago on account of interference by my wife. This hurt deeply, and remains so.

I have previously seen a psychologist some years ago. Nice enough person, but we just didn't seem to "click".

I will see my GP and get a referral to a different psychologist. Perhaps that could help.

My wife and I run our own business. It worries me that if our marriage ends, then the business will end also. I built this business up from it beginnings around 30 years ago.

Thank you for our chat. I will keep it going if OK with you.

white knight · ‎11-01-2022

That would be good.

TonyWK

smallwolf · ‎12-01-2022

finding someone you can click with is can be hard. They might be the best at what they do, but if you do not feel any connection.... rapport counts a great deal in therapy and the clients ability to trust and open up.

Regarding professional help ... depends on what you are looking for help wise? A counsellor might be able to assist. And talking to your GP should help. I would expect them to have some sort of referral list.

Have you thought about reconnecting with your cousin & Aunty & Uncle? I don't know what happened to make the relationship break down. Do you think that relationship could be repaired?

Otherwise what sort of things do you like to do? Maybe time time to create new relationships?