20months married to 60 yr old man suffering depression.

[Sonrisa]

Hi there. I am a newbie. I am 52 with 13 yr daughter and 20mths ago I got married to a 58yr old man who's mother had died 3yrs prior. She was the light of his life.My husband who I had known for a few months prior to our marriage was absolutely a gentleman and charming and attentive when we met which is why I fell in lov but he has struggled in stepping up as a husband and father. This is the first marriage for both of us I am not sure if he has delayed grief. Has no interest in sex and constantly takes medication for headaches. He has recently started working but not even that has improved our relationship. I am struggling staying married to him. I am not financially dependent on him as I have my own home and he moved into my home. He has a lovely warm family who love me and my daughter but he is so distant with me and doesn't like to communicate. He doesn't like affection and struggles to even kiss or hug for more than 10 seconds. I have tried to get him to get help but he is too scared or stubborn knowing fully well that I am at the end of my patience and feel that there is no hope for a future with him. He doesn't like any confrontation and has anger management issues. I have asked him to leave but he won't and then becomes over aggressive with me trying to have rough sex which I don't enjoy. He has never forced himself as when I say stop he does. He promises to change and seek help but He never does. I am at a loss of what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Sonrisa~

Welcome here to the Forum. This sounds a pretty devastating situation for you and the change in him must seem very puzzling. It must also be most worrying as it looks like you are not completely in control of you home, which you own. On that basis if you ask someone to leave they should. Yes I know it is not as cut and dried as all that. Still if you are in any way frightened then if it was me I'd take action.

May I ask what you would like to happen - all things being equal? Also how does your daughter feel? If she sees her mum not being treated well I'd imagine it could have a pretty profound effect on her.

As someone who has had depression which really affected my relationship with my partner I can relate to being distant and struggling with intimacy, though not with any form of violence or 'rough sex'. At the time I just wanted to be alone and not have to deal with people and things. Physical symptoms, such as headaches were bad too. If I'd been told to leave I would have, irrespective of how practical it was. It took professional help, medication and therapy and time, to improve . Now I'm miles better and my ability to give and receive love has been restored.

Assuming you would like things to work out it looks like your husband has to make a decision, get medical help or let thing build to the level where you are no longer willing to let the marriage continue. As you have found getting him to take the first step and contact a doctor has not been successful to date. Perhaps it may take the shock of a separation to motivate him. Is there anyone in his family that could help persuade him? - What do you think?

In relation to sex, I'm sure I don't have to tell you there is no way you need to put up with anything that makes you uncomfortable. I guess that is something else he has to learn.

Do you have anyone to be on your side and give you support in all this? I know you said your husband's family was pretty good, however I'd imagine there might be some strain if you talk of separation.

Please feel free to come back and talk more, we would welcome that

Croix