My complex web of thoughts..

[Skywrath0135]

New to the forum, not overall new to the forums per-se and it's environment - greetings. Before I would bring up my questions, I would like to post my background and the usual web of thoughts an ideas that I try to sort out on a daily basis.

July 2018 - one fine day I was at the park, and I experienced something I never have - a feeling of crushing sadness that nothing could alleviate. After consultation with a friend, he recommended I see a GP because it sounded like depression. Initial results pointed at a mild stage of it, so without further ado I went on the SSRI's. By then it was October 2018, when I noticed the anti-depressant stopped working and was making me have suicidal thoughts. So I went cold-turkey off it. Was fine for the next few months, and I thought the depression has passed. Cue the relapse 3 months later, this time more severe then the previous one. Got prescribed an NDRI, and to this day I maintain it had a partial effect. Then it started giving me panic attacks and increased suicidal thoughts, so without further ado, I went off that.

So here is my web of thoughts - the pattern above is me being really unlucky or is this pointing at the fact that my body is resisting it? Seeing how I have tried an NDRI and an SSRI, which neurotransmitter is responsible for my depression? Do I want to go on a placebo pill where I get nothing but side-effects with a possible repeat of me developing what appears to be a resistance? My psychologist doesn't really help, as I feel I constantly preempt what he is going to say, and the only thing that genuinely works is 5-htp. But then I wonder whether the 5-htp is making the anxiety worse, while making the depression better. I am an astrophysics student on his last straw with university, which honestly this semester is looking to be, I'm set to fail. My parents don't acknowledge the diseases existence, let alone myself, and aside from a overly sympathetic landlord and a family friend I got no-one to talk to.

I'm frankly terrified nothing will work, and I don't want to go on MAOI's, TCA's, ECT therapy or whatever the other treatments are, as they are too dangerous. I've spent weeks if not months researching every form of answer I could find, be it in neuroscience, genetics, drug interactions, psychology, supplements, lifestyle changes. It feels I am running out of options and time with my depression/anxiety getting worse. I don't know what to do, and so here I am.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Skywrath,

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that you struggling to find the right strategy/treatment to help with your symptoms. This is really frustrating and hard especially when your mood is low. You are not alone in this and we are here and listening to you.

You have mentioned you have trialled a few medications and that you haven’t had a consistent result. I wonder if you and your GP have considered a referral to a psychiatrist? Sometimes people who have a hard time finding the right medication can benefit from specialist input.

I am really glad you have the support of your landlord and family friend. Sometimes support is found in places we don’t expect when we are going through a hard time. I would capitalise on these support avenues while you are finding the best path to your healing.

You have mentioned you are doing university courses and I wonder if you have chatted with a University support counsellor? Again, sometimes support is dependant on the right rapport and connection you have with a person rather than their position. Perhaps if your psychologist isn’t helping you could try someone else?

You also mentioned you had spent a lot of hours researching techniques and I wonder besides medication if you have tried any other strategies like regular exercise or mindfulness? Both of these have a lot of evidence to support their effectiveness against mood symptoms. Please let us know where you are at with other strategies and I can recommend a few different programs or techniques to try.

There are so many different treatment strategies for depression and anxiety it can feel overwhelming but you will find the right one in time. You are on the right track by talking with your Doctor and trying different techniques and treatments. In my experience persistence is key in finding the right kind of treatment combination that works. And support is another ingredient to keep you focused on finding the best path to healing.

We are listening on the forum. There is a huge community of people who face or have faces similar struggles. Keep on posting. Or if you would like to chat with a person on the phone, don’t hesitate to call the Beyond Blue Support Line as sometimes this can help you through a hard day or moment. Their number is 1300 22 4636.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[Skywrath0135]

Thanks for the response.

No, they haven't, however the possibility that I may have bipolar or a mental condition is plausible, but every candidate of a mental condition I could think off (even with my friends chipping in their advice) has either been in the mild indications of it, or none at all. A psychologist thought one time I might have borderline, but I just couldn't see myself agreeing to it and it's symptoms. There were a few that had things in common - such as an unstable identity, but I know where that sense comes from, bouts of anger, but I think that is common with anyone that is fed up with this condition. In other words, what makes up the basis of a mental psychiatric condition could easily be a thousand different things. Medication, nutrient deficiency, ways you were brought up and raised, etc, etc. If the condition adopted the solution if more than the sum of it's parts scenario, then yes, I would definitely be diagnosed with that. But I digress.

I haven't spoken to a university counsellor yet, but I see them as unable to prevent me from getting excluded, as their opinion at best holds minor weight towards that decision. That and I am not really the kind of person that easily opens up to new people, which would make this post a change in that mentality. By that same logic, that's why I will keep going to the current psychologist and not a new one - less people know about me and my condition the better.

I'm not sure how to respond to that in all honesty. On one hand, yes I have tried that, but it has little to no effect. On the other hand (pardon the bluntness), if I am looking at neuroscience and genetics at this point (rather advanced topic) what guarantees the simple methods will work? I've been trying to get into meditation, but find I couldn't really maintain that state - my mind is just wired to keep digging at the problem until I solve it, which in this case doesn't help.