Is this an invasion of privacy?

[FringeDweller]

I've been seeing a psychologist in conjunction with my mum to try and sort out some issues in our relationship mainly stemming from her not believing me when I told her about my cousins physically assaulting me.(this started when I was six, I'm now late 30's) At my last appointment with the psych, she informed me she had already asked my mother for my school reports to see if anything shows up in them. When she told me this I started to panic and cry, I was 6 or younger when the abuse started. I know she is looking for some evidence of a change in behaviour but what is likely to show up in my reports when it started so young? If nothing shows up, is she and my mum going to think I'm lying? Is this an invasion of my privacy? I feel like I should have been asked before my mother, these are my reports about me. I've tried looking around online to find any laws, policies or guidelines that would cover this and I can't seem to turn up anything that answers this.
Psych told me she didn't tell my mum why she wanted the reports, but my mum isn't an idiot, she will look over them, she will make her own judgements, if nothing shows up it will give more credence to mums theory that I'm lying.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome FD;

It takes heaps of courage to post on this forum for the first time and share your story with us, so well done. It seems you're in the middle of a fact finding investigation to substantiate what happened to you when you were young. It seems quite a difficult situation you're facing emotionally you poor thing.

Can I ask if this 'physical' assault was sexual in nature? It's ok to talk about it here. I, as well as many others on here suffered sexual abuse as children too, so we know how it feels and what's involved with working thru it as adults ok.

I'd also like to ask why it's so important for you to 'prove' things to your mum. I believe you, so please don't worry that you're not heard, acknowledged and validated as a survivor; because you are. I hear you loud and clear.

My mum didn't believe me either just as so many other people have said. It's a horrible experience opening up only to find their responses are less than what a child needs to hear from a parent. But unfortunately it's the reality of child abuse.

It's very likely your mum doesn't want to believe it because it makes her feel guilty of letting it happen; that's hard for parents to face.

I'm not a professional, but what your psychologist's doing; being a go-between for you and your mum, seems a bit odd. How would you feel about seeking a 2nd opinion? To my way of thinking, your well being is far more important than proving yourself to others.

I'd also ask why you agreed to open up old files from school and give the information to your psych. Isn't it you who should pick them up and decide if they're worthy of including them in your therapy? It seems maybe you could take control of this situation instead of your psych. How do you feel about this?

I'm here if you want to talk, but be aware your posts will take a while to come thru due to moderation for first time posters ok. I'll keep an eye out for you..

Write as much as you want too. This is a great place to purge all those pent up feelings and ask for help. We're here for you and care..

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[FringeDweller]

Thanks for your reply Sez.

It wasn't sexual at all, just physical assault. Bending my fingers and laughing while I screamed in pain, making me get down on my knees and say mercy before he would let go, hitting me, throwing things at me, general bullying type assault.

I didn't ask anyone to look at my school files.

Mum and I have been seeing a psych together like couple counselling to try and fix our relationship. At my last appointment on my own the psych just told me she had already asked my mum for the reports. I had no idea she was going to do that, that's why I'm asking if this is an invasion of my privacy, I didn't give permission for my school reports to be accessed. I'm not trying to prove what happened, I know what happened and I know there is little chance of proving it.

Sorry if this wasn't clear in the first post.

[Just Sara]

Thankyou so, so much for clarifying this. I feel a bit silly, though caring as I do, I wanted to be as helpful as I could. When people highlight 'physical', this usually means the poster's embarrassed or fearful of writing the true nature of their assaults. I'm sorry for the mix up.

As for your records, I don't think your mum can access them without your written permission due to your age. I personally would hit the roof if it were me to be honest. All you need do is contact the school and tell them you don't want them released, or pick them up yourself I think.

I'm glad you and your mum are doing the hard yards trying to mend and improve your relationship; it's a credit to you both.

Is there something bothering you about her 'intent', or is it more about the invasiveness of it that drives you? Or both? I'm here if you want to vent your feelings ok.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[FringeDweller]

Don't feel silly Sez, it's a good thing to check.

I'm not sure if the psych has asked for the reports held at the school or if it's just what mum might still have at home. If it's the ones at school I will be mega pissed if she can access them without my permission and will be looking at making a complaint to whatever authority/board. If it's the ones at home, I understand mum would have needed to be asked to get them but I should have been asked first as they are written about me and I feel it's murky whether or not that's an invasion of my privacy.

In regards to intent or just invasive-ness. Yeah, it's both. It just blindsided me, the psych telling me she had already asked for them. I don't know if the psych believes me or not, she hasn't really given me confirmation either way. I'm more concerned about my mum'd interpretation. She will look over them before sending on to the psych, mum is a counsellor so has some idea of what is being looked for.

Mum now claims she knew nothing of the abuse but I never hid it from her. I went to her for help when it happened, she told me it was my fault, if I didn't want to get hurt I shouldn't have gone with him, it was my choice and if I didn't want to get hurt I needed to behave differently. I remember asking to stay with my other Nana and not go to mum's family events because of my cousins (of course she didn't allow it). I even remember mentioning it in my mid twenties and mum telling me "I know". But now she claims to have no memory of it.

The only thing I hid from her was when my brother hit me across the head in my early teens, I was too scared to tell her because of all the times she blamed me for my cousins assault. When my brother threatened to hit me again when we were living independently of my parents, I did tell mum, she was angry at me from the first phone call. I found out last year mum never said anything to my brother about his behaviour even though mum was a domestic violence/family violence counsellor at the time..

I know I told some big lies to my parents as a kid, after the abuse started, I know it was a way of getting attention because I wasn't being believed about my reality. I'm concerned mum will bring that up if there is nothing in my reports.

[Just Sara]

Ah...now you're getting to the nitty-gritty. I'm getting the drift of where you're at with things so thanks.

If your mum already knows about your cousins, then maybe she's trying to save face (in front of the psych) and put it back onto you just as she did back when. Have you told the psych this info? I gather yes from what you've written.

As I've said, I'm at odds with this type of relationship therapy while ever you have unresolved issues of physical abuse as a little one, especially when you were blamed for the cruelty by your mother.

Toxic parenting causes lots of adult issues with trust and self confidence. These are the topics that IMO should be addressed thru therapy, not whether or not it happened. I'm sorry you've had to sit thru these sessions hun.

I've also said a 2nd opinion might be in order, or someone who's just there for you. It really sounds like your therapist isn't focusing on your relationship at all; it's more about being believed and this isn't productive. Your mum was told; end of story. That's her cross to bare IMO.

Has your mum said that it would've still been your fault if she'd accepted she'd been told? It seems to me she's trying to prove her innocence, not deal with your childhood problems. What do you think about this?

Sez (Hug)