Hi Peony88,
Just wanted to say hi and welcome to the forums. Thanks for being here.
In your post you closed with 'I don't know where to begin to fix the problems I've created myself'. Right there - you've began. I can see so many things in your post that show me you've already started.
I want to lay them out for you because I think it's really important for you to see -
1) You're aware that you lie. A lot of people are in denial for a long time about lying. The lying can become so natural to them that it's a blur. You have that insight.
2) You know why you lie. It's a bit of a defence, for the nervousness and anxiety. This is a huge step in itself as a lot of people don't have the insight or flat out don't want to know why they might be lying.
3) You want to fix it. Sounds like this has been going on for a long time. Wanting to fix it is a big step. Lying can be protective and kind of safe; for a long time it's served a purpose. It can be a big decision to want to stop lying; because the alternative of perhaps being a bit vulnerable can be hard and terrifying.
4) You said that 'I created myself'. This is ownership. It shows me that you know that you've had the capacity to make these choices and then see some of the consequences of them. It also means that you have the capacity to keep making choices; whether that's to keep lying or to start to break that cycle.
Since it's been a long time, perhaps it might be easier to start with small truths. I'm kind of thinking it's like a tight knot in a necklace; if we pull too hard we might break it; but if we can just get the ends and play with it a little trying to unravel it it will get easier over time. I think the same thing might apply here. Baby steps. It may help to talk this over with a therapist too.
