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Going into Hospital. Support from Partner
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Hi, so I've decided to go into hospital for TMS therapy to address my chronic depression. I'll be doing it as an inpatient which means being away from my partner and children for 2 weeks. I'm really anxious and nervous about the whole thing.
Today I asked my partner If she will be there to support me. She first said yes but then told me that while I'm in hospital she is still going to go out to social events and parties, which I can't stop thinking about.
When I questioned whether she thought that was the right thing to do, she got angry and said she was sick of talking about my "mental health issues".
Am I going crazy here or expecting too much that my partner be there to support me during something really hard and maybe not go out to parties while I'm in a mental hospital...??
I have no other people in my support network to talk about this either, so I'm really struggling with it 😔
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Dear Josh88~
Welcome back, it sounds like you have been able to talk about the nature of your treatment, at least with your partner. Living with chronic depression is horrible, and I hope the isolation from everyday life in the hospital and the treatment has a significant effect. I'm sure you have looked up TMS here before to see how others went.
You have outlined some of the problems your mental health has caused in your life and relationship, so to try this treatment sounds a reasonable idea. (I've not had TMS myself so cannot say if it is good or bad).
To answer you question I think a better question is - does you partner care about you? You may have differences over stepchildren, and living wiht a person who is often depressed is never going to be easy but fundamentally are you loved?
If so then one would wish that a partner the best in hospital, and maybe support (which often has limited opportunities) by being in contact by phone or whatever is practical when one can . This is what has happened to me.
I in turn would not wish my partner to live a limited or unhappy life in my absence, but hope they would find enjoyment in whatever they normally do. After all it may be a relief when one thinks of having to cope with me and my illness.
So it comes down to how much you mean to each other, and that's something only you can answer. Do bear in mind however that I found depression made me look on the black side of tihngs, it skewed my thoughts so my judgments were not accurate, they were tinged with hopelessness - so do not be too hasty in judging your relationship.
If you cannot decide then giving the benefit of the doubt might be best.
We are here anytime for you
Croix
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Dear Josh88,
I was thinking about your questions in the post.
Perhaps your expectations and your partners expectations of your upcoming treatment might differ from each other. Can you discuss them more with one another to understand each other's point of view better? The time away from each other is going to be so different from one another and you both with be dealing with different routines without each other to help. You both will need to cope with extra stressors. So you both will need to find balance and comfort in these times. Could your partner going out be a way to cope and deal with their stress? Can they still be available for the limited times that you will be able to connect with them? Do you know what your contact options are ,so you can organise them before you go to hospital?
I know you have already approached your partner and got the response that you did. However sometimes the difference in the way a conversation can go in, can be all about the approach and how levelheaded that you stay. Perhaps you could try again, but with a clear intention for a discussion between you two,not a argument and in a way that you don't come across as it being accusing to your partner. Or wording that may start any tension.
I wish you well. And I hope this may have helped.
ABC01
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Hi josh88
I think unless people have experienced mental health challenges for themself, such as depression, they don't necessarily realise how much we need them to feel for us in certain ways. When it comes to my experience with depression, I have wished those close to me could feel just a snippet of how I feel life at times, so they'd know or understand where I'm coming from and why things can be such a struggle. I think it comes down to the need to have people relate to how we feel because that can help make things easier at times.
While I can feel deeply for others, their pain, frustration, sadness, sense of hopelessness etc (to the point of tears on occasion), I can also feel the need to have a break from that, otherwise I'd be feeling those emotions all the time 24/7. For me, this would become deeply depressing. While, as a 53yo gal, I've managed the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, I have to be careful when it comes to not returning to depression full time or long term. I strategically manage through breaks from what can be or become depressing. Hope that makes sense. So, I manage through finding a sense of balance. I'm wondering whether this is a strategy your partner could be working with. In order to manage not feeling for you full time, she's managing through part time highs. Could it be a way of her recharging or feeling a difference she needs to feel, for her sake, the sake of the kids and for you? Does she see this as a 2 week opportunity for some kind of recharge while still being able to support you to the best of her ability? Another way of looking at it could involve how carers can deeply love those they care for and a couple of weeks respite here and there is how they manage continuing to care in the ways they do. The respite doesn't mean they don't care, it's simply a way of managing not reaching burnout.
Perhaps the question could be 'What best serves us in the way of mental health?'. If what will best serve you involves you serving yourself to some TMS therapy and what best serves her involves some 'social therapy', when you reconnect after the therapies, what could that look like or feel like? What could you both imagine and agree upon during the 2 weeks, in regard to touching base or connecting? Maybe a daily check in, in the form of a phone call and/or visiting you on occasion.
