Erectile Dysfunction causing stress on a long time marriage

[Danpherdanley]

Hi all , first time posting here but exploring all options for assistance and support. I am a 53 year old male , married for over 25 years and still madly in love with my wife. Life has had some real ups and downs over the last few years and i have battled depression and anxiety and am proud to say I now manage these issues medication free after some lifestyle changes.

Over the last 12 months I have suffered from erectile dysfunction and its really starting to have a negative impact on my wife as she feels I no longer find her attractive and its causing some serious stress on our marriage. Everytime I try and perform and fail it knocks both of us down and its at the stage I feel pressured when trying as I know failing is going to cause issues.

I have spoken several times to my GP and have tried oral medication but this has very little impact and only gets to about 50% improvement. How do I install confidence with my wife that this is nothing to do with the way I feel about her or my attraction to her and what steps can I take to improve the situation and get help. My GP doesnt see it as one of lifes biggest health problems and doesnt seem to show the interest level I would have liked. I also have type 2 diabetes which I believe may be a contributing factor to the problem.

Would like to hear from anyone in a similar situation and if anyone has actually found a solution that works.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well for the first time I would suggest trying another GP, that lack of interest and urgency from them is unacceptable and would contribute to your anxiety around the issue.

There was a time when I used a certain medication that I had the same problem and eventually I took the erectile meds before sleeping with it working far better half way through the night. I identified the med that caused the issue and changed for another and hence no longer have the issue.

I also have type 2 diabetes when I was more overweight than now and lost 13kgs since from injection weight loss system, that loss of weight might mean I am no longer type 2 but havent had the test yet. So that could be an associated topic for your next GP. Taking your wife along to an appointment might help with her awareness of your sincerity of tackling the topic.

Doctors are no different than truckies or police- you get good ones and not so good ones in terms of their techniques and communication. 

Finally I'm pleased you have resisted meds for anxiety and depression which isnt common. Below I've got a post on anxiety you might find interesting that could help with maintaining a low anxious life.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hi there all,

Thank you all for contributing to this thread, we know that medical conditions can have a big impact on your general wellbeing and can impact relationships with those close to you. We just wanted to jump in as a reminder that the forums are not an appropriate place to seek medical advice or suggest specific medications. We do, however welcome discussion regarding how this may be impacting your life / mental health.

Please seek all advice for medication from your prescribing doctor. If you are wanting to seek a second opinion, consider seeing a secondary doctor.   

For future reference, you can find our posting rules here: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/community-rules  We understand if this topic has bought up any feelings for you, so if you’d like to talk things through with someone, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our helpline on 1300 22 4636.    

Kind Regards, 

Sophie M

[Fiatlux]

Hi Dan,

I am going to be cautious about what I write about this subject.

My husband is 61 and I 56. 

Firstly, my husband has had a problem with testosterone production since 40 and did seek treatment from a specialist in this area. He is still extremely frustrated that hormone replacement therapy is not taken seriously by GP’s. His treatment was strictly monitored to ensure that it was not causing other issues with kidney and liver function. As well as blood pressure and cholesterol levels etc. It’s a treatment that is strictly monitored and controlled due to the misuse of these medications in certain sectors of society.

As a female who hit full blown menopause mid last year, I also had some difficulty accessing hormone therapy to help with the awful symptoms and side affects associated with menopause, but I have been able to get treatment a little easier than my husband did.

Type 2 diabetes is also a common cause of ED even in younger men. 

There is literature available for intimacy for the over 50’s that you could share with your wife. Just understand that as we go through the changing decades our bodies change and so to our sexual activity. 

When I was 21 I could cycle up to 30kms without any difficulty. Now at 56 I am happy when I get up 4-5kms in a day. 

Of all things, sexual decline has caused a lot of angst in our marriage, more so for my husband but I have come to terms with it. 

Good luck and reassure your wife that this actually does happen in most marriages. 

[Danpherdanley]

Thanks Fiatlux , where would I find the literacy for the over 50s intimacy ?

[Fiatlux]

Dan, I simply googled the term “intimacy for the over 50’s” and found some interesting information.

I don’t think I can suggest a particular website or book. It will be a matter of researching this for you and your wife. 

Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[therising]

Hi Danpherdanley

I'm wondering whether leading your wife to become a researcher on the topic would perhaps make some difference in a number of ways. 1)It could lead her to better understand these are some of the reasons as to why it can happen, this is how the male body actually functions under a variety of circumstances, these are some of the leading research areas on the topic (as opposed to old info that hasn't necessarily helped a lot of guys in the past), these are some outside the squares way of addressing it and so on. 2)It can lead her to help educate you on the topic, given all the info she may have gathered that you've never come across before. 3)It could lead her to suggest different ways of experimenting with what works and what doesn't. Bit of a human guinea pig factor there. 4)It could lead her to reach the realisation that you are far more than your body, with its chemistry and biology. You're someone who faces the mental and physical challenges that your body presents to you. You're you in a body that's frustrating you and it's not about her.

I did a heck of a lot of research on the topic myself some time ago, in order to find what could make a positive difference to my husband. The thing that challenged me the most was not the intimacy factor, not at all, but that he was putting it down to 'just a part of getting old'. He tends to put a lot down to 'getting old'. With him being only 57, I said to him 'Oh well, you may as well call it a day now, seeing that you're an old man or else you could ask 'How do I need to better understand and manage my body in new ways at this stage of my life or under the circumstances?''.

There are so many different factors that can lead to ED and it's a shame your GP isn't a more enthusiastic detective, helping you solve the mystery. While I'd mentioned to my husband that his drinking habits aren't doing him any favours (as alcohol can contribute to lower than normal testosterone levels), there are a variety of other reasons for hormonal or chemical shifts, which can also involve stress hormones. Then there are structural factors, such as prostate and vascular changes which can play a part for some guys. Sleep apnea can be another factor. What used to work but no longer works can be yet another factor (aka 'the need to spice things up'). Then there are psychological factors including 'The more I focus on getting there, the less success I have'. How to focus on other things and let nature take its course can involve strategic meditation. That's a whole other topic: How to not focus on the one thing you can't get your mind off.

There are so many different possibilities to explore in the way of why a part of our body's not functioning the way it used to or is designed to. Whether it involves our personal bits and pieces, our pancreas, our brain, our heart, our muscles or vascular system or something else, a bit of detective work can go a long way. It seems you're already in detective mode, coming here looking for clues from those who can possibly relate.