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I'm 26F and have been struggling with mental illness my entire life. I have had multiple diagnoses and I don't know what's right and wrong, but I'll just list them all: 5 years old: ADHD, ODD, conduct disorder 6 years old: Autism 8 years old: Depress... View more
I'm 26F and have been struggling with mental illness my entire life. I have had multiple diagnoses and I don't know what's right and wrong, but I'll just list them all: 5 years old: ADHD, ODD, conduct disorder 6 years old: Autism 8 years old: Depression, Anxiety, OCD 19 years old: Borderline personality disorder (this one is 100% BS), DPDR, pseudopsychosis (idk what this one is and it has never been addressed as far as I'm aware, but it's still on my records) 20 years old: PTSD I have not been successfully treated for any one of these. I was close to 100% compliant and optimistic with new treatments until about 2 years ago, but I have now completely and utterly lost all hope. As a child I had a paediatrician, psychiatrist, psychologist and occupational therapist, and since I turned 18 I have nearly consistently had a psychologist and psychiatrist. I have also consistently been given scripts for medication since childhood which keep me up for days and give me the worst brain fog. There were a few other meds as well, but due to severe side effects I was on them for less than a month. I am well aware that I was over-medicated in childhood. Some of the doses I was on exceeded the recommended max for children and teens. I have also done CBT countless times, DBT twice, ACT, interpersonal therapy, ketamine therapy, ECT, TMS, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, mindfulness therapy, and EMDR. The last couple of years I have been refusing things I have already tried - which is basically everything from what I'm being told. But I am being met with accusations of cynicism and not wanting to help myself. I don't think I have ever learned anything from therapy - nothing that particularly resonates or is useful anyway. Nobody listens to me, nobody believes me. From my experience, psychologists latch onto one thing you say that their textbooks teach them how to manage and zero in on that. It's nearly impossible to get them to see the big picture, and it's impossible for them to not jump to conclusions about how I think or feel. I have never felt heard by a psychologist/counsellor/social worker/psychiatrist/etc. in my entire life. I know I'm supposed to help myself and therapists provide tools, but I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I am constantly in absolutely excruciating agony from whatever this is. I am inherently a bad person too. I am selfish, I hurt people and don't feel guilty about it, I have an extreme amount of rage and need for retribution when I feel there has been an injustice against me, I am a pathological liar just to make myself look better/superior, etc. I am just about ready to give up because I see no hope. I don't see any opportunity to be better. If this is how I'm going to continue feeling, I can't live. I simply can't.