Work Upheaval whilst Partner undergoing Treatment

[Aussietor10]

My partner has been suffering from severe mental health issues for approximately the last 4 years. Ranging from OCD (intrusive thoughts), Anxiety and Depression. We have 2 beautiful children (with my second son born about 9 months ago and oldest being 8 years old).

She is going through a pretty severe depressive episode (suicidal) at the moment and is in hospital getting ECT. She has been in hospital for the last 9 weeks. Our baby is with her in hospital with her as she was breastfeeding (weening the baby off now).

So the last few months have been challenging for me in looking after my oldest child, juggling care for the youngest, holding down the home and doing my best in a very demanding job.

The job has actually been quite good of late but we learned today about a massive restructure whereby we have been asked to essentially re-apply for our existing jobs or get redeployed elsewhere within the organisation. Although I am sceptical about the redeployment at the moment.

I know it is part of her condition but she has expressed to me previously that she feels responsible for holding me back from progressing in my career due to her illness. Which is absolutely not true. However, this could potentially be a very stressful and worrisome time (from a work perspective) and I don't how / if to let my spouse know as I don't want to trouble her and cause further stress and anxiety.

[Croix]

Dear Aussietor10~

Welcom to the Forum. I hope coming here will help you, it sounds a pretty taxing time for you. Having your partner reach such a low is a real shock and it sounds as if being in hospital might well be for the best at the moment.

Doing everything at home plus work is a really draining life. Now that you have the additional worry about that restructure things are going to be even harder. Leaving your wife to one side for the moment what support do you have for you? Do you have family to help you with day to day matters and just as importantly be there to talk with and give support? It is very east to get isolated in the press of getting everything done, and that is not good.

When my wife had to look after me her mum helped and just the moral support alone made a big difference to her.

I can understand your worry over telling your wife, particularly as she has felt like a brake and has displayed suicidal traits in the past . It may be in time you won't have any choice as circumstances may make it obvious, perhaps if you had to relocate or something similar.

Before that however, when you yourself are not sure what is happening maybe it would be best to say nothing for now? If the job settles down then the extra stress on your wife will have been for nothing, and later on the job presents real problems she will find out anyway.

The only hesitation I had before writing the above is that it again puts further strain on you. A partnership does mean both people rely upon each other for care, support and help. All you have said so far paints a rather one-sided picture. While I can understand that your wife's illness makes a huge difference, and your motives are clear cut in trying to protect her it is not something that can go on for ever, not only for your sake, but hers as well.

People need to contribute. My wife took the weight off me when I was very ill, later I was able to return the favor, and that meant a great deal to me. I was no longer just a drain.

So I guess you may need to balance her current reaction against her long term feelings of worth. Sorry I can't give an answer one way or the other, your judgment as the person on the spot will be best

Croix

[Winterfell]

What a tough time - I do hope you have support and time for yourself. Its great you are so thoughtful about her current state and feelings. My husband was in hospital with ECT not long ago and I was holding the fort with the kids and 2 jobs. I know what you mean about your significant other feeling all sorts of blame and guilt, its very much a feature of my husbands depression. I tended to take my work or issues with the kids to my mum and my friends rather than my husband when he was unwell. He is much more stable now so I can talk about stress without him feeling guilty but when he wasn't travelling well it was not worth talking to him about it - all he did was blame himself and feel like a huge burden and go on about it and then I was even more stressed! I really hope the ECT is effective for your loved one.