How to help someone that understands she has depression, but wont get help

[needtohelpanother76]

Hi All.

I have been with my partner for over 5 years and we are pretty good as relationships go. We both have kids and are a blended family. As time has progressed I have discovered more and more about her previous demon's to which it seems there has been a battle of sorts going on with the black dog at various levels over the years.

Lately there has been an escalation in these feelings, to which whilst she has always been a big drinker this has increased to a very unhealthy level. There have been moments where, she has sourced other items which she feels might help her which a few years ago she never would have done.

She can recognise she is depressed, however for one reason or another will no go to the Dr now matter what I do to convince her. Living with this person is becoming very hard, we are well and truly ingrained together financially, unwinding this would be a nightmare, but quite simply I truly love her and dont want this to end. I just want her to get as well as she can be...

Some of the behaviours when drunk, which is becoming more and more often (it's gone from on weekends to off her dial a few times a week)

She has gone from what I considered a functioning alcoholic to one whose functioning is becoming impaired...

Falling asleep in the shower, the toilet, hurting herself (accidentally as smashed, falling over etc) and occasionally dabbling in other items when she knows I really dont like that has become the norm.

Financial issues, kids issue's etc all come into the mix.

Just dont know what to do, she wont go to the Dr and regardless, she has said this hasnt really helped in the past. Self medication with alcohol and other has reached a point where I am really worried. I dont think she will do anything, but it's hard to live with. As much as it sucks for me, I cant imagine what it is like for her.

I know I'm probably just going to be told to try and get her to get medical help (I am trying believe me) but guess I just wanted to put it out there and see what the response is.

Thanks

[white knight]

Hi 76, welcome

You are in a pickle. My last relationship ladted 10 years and for 9 years was unaware she was an alcoholic. Her mood changes werent linked to the bottle. In the end it destroyed us.

We were also intertwined financially with blended family but, it was a big relief to part ways. Luckily finance issues was amicable.

I'll send out a call for other champs experienced in alcohol abuse to assist with this one. In the meantime google these

Topic: does stubborness have a place?- beyondblue

Topic: is there room for stubborness?- beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello 76, I'm sorry but can understand the position you are in, unfortunately I was just like your partner self medicating with alcohol as well, and I was in denial refusing to go to the doctor until something happened that woke me up.
There were several psychologists/psychiatrists that wouldn't help me until I stopped drinking, catch-22, I needed their help so that I wouldn't need to drink so that was disappointing, until I found a psychologist who was also a Gp who put her hand up and wanted to help me.
Firstly can I advise you to contact Al-Anon not only for yourself but for your kids they will come to your house on a regular basis, plus ReachOut as well as 'www.adf.org.au/‎' who are Australian Drug and Alcohol Foundation and ask them about who can help your partner.
When you are intoxicated then it's possible to 'dabble in other items' because the care factor doesn't exist, I didn't do any of this but certainly know of people who have do so, so this only increases the danger of the situation she is in, and may possibly take over, so she is in a terrible way and needs help and that's where the problem begins.
You can try and drag her off to the doctors but it's probably going to do much, the doctor will just tell her that she needs to stop, that's only water off a ducks back, it won't mean anything to her, but you can get rid of all the alcohol you can see, but she will have some hidden away in different hiding spots, that's what I did, so she will always have some.
My wife divorced me, the house sold and split up, the car was dumped on me and our 2 sons were over 18, it upset them but have now gotten over it, that was 13 years ago.
There is a reason why she's drinking which she may not tell you unless she's intoxicated but whether it's true or not, it's something on her mind, but there are much deeper problems here.
Contact those links and please hope you can stay with us on the site and ask any questions you want, I'm almost out of characters. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear 76

Hello. Great you have written in to Beyond Blue and this difficulty. Geoff has given you some great information about Al-Anon etc.

How are the children going? May I ask their ages? If they are young children they may be afraid of her when she is drunk. Please keep an eye on them because it is not obvious they are suffering at times. Children learn to hide their feelings as well as adults. They may become very quiet and withdrawn and/or believe it is their fault your partner is behaving in this manner.

Are there any family members or friends who know her from before you met. It sounds like telling tales about your partner I know, but if someone can tell you when she started drinking and hopefully why, it could be useful to you.

I echo Geoff, please continue to write in.

Mary

[needtohelpanother76]

Thanks people. I know the why, there are lots of reasons most of which took place long before I met her which have been talked through ad- nausium with many parties.

There have also been some deaths including ex husband who took his own life a few years back.

I was already well and truly on the scene by then. He left behind 2 children, one now an adult plus teenager.

Had an opportunity to have some rare 1 on 1 tonight with her but drama followed as it tends to do with a fam friend so it was another 5 am come to bed blind situation.

Meanwhile I've been in bed since 10 but worried sick and not sleeping in case she has a breakdown or hurts herself.

I have things to do today out of house from lunch till dinner roughly. Her day will consist of bed, convincing someone to bring Maccas as she will be hung over and tired plus netflix.

Then probably press go again.

In terms of Fam and friends yes plenty but she is known as a party girl and they dont see it, I see it every time where they see in 1 in 4 if that makes sense.

I am not a "wowser" by any description but I just think she is doing damage.

My kids are teenagers and here every 2nd week. I shield them from it as much as I can, but I still don't like it.

I do love her, she has a massive heart just so much baggage and issue.

Given the state of the property market, seperation would destroy us financially and to be honest without me she would go so much further down the rabbit hole, I'm her stability, glue, normality whatever the words you get the idea.

She has got so low any thought of intimacy is also out the window due to her feelings about herself.

Sorry I feel like I'm venting now, but I'm stuck. I really care and don't want out but damm, it's not fun. I just dont know what else I can do to help and it wearing me down.

[finman1981]

Hi needtohelpanother76,

Your story is so familiar - my husband knows he has depression (as well as diabetes), but does nothing to help himself - sleeps in all day, has no energy, eats bad and high sugar'ed foods. And every couple of months decides he no longer wants to take his medication (this usually happens after we have a disagreement, so it could be to spite me, who knows).

I dearly love him and try to remember the good times, but your comment "I really care and don't want out but damm, it's not fun ... it wearing me down" really resonated with me.

I don't have any answers, but I wanted you to know that you are no alone in feeling this way. I pray that she, and you get the help you need.

x

[EdenF]

to me it sounds like she is trying to deal with some PTSD instead of depression which may be a symptom of the PTSD. her past is so painful she drinks to excess to lessen the pain or stop the thoughts from coming back into her head. In this case she may be right in saying going to a doctor for depression wont work because you are treating a symptom not a cause. i don't recommend playing her saviour but instead find things that can help her deal with her past. Maybe a community of people where she cant drink or doesn't feel the need to, a support group could help her a great deal, where she can talk to people who understand what exactly she has gone through that way she can see how they are coping and dealing with their lives and she can see that it's not all hopeless for her and she can get better too. Dont tell her to get help, just show her there is help out there. Find out what happened and then find a support group people who have suffered the same and have found a way to grow from it.

just trying to help out.