Wife not coping with medication withdrawal

[wheredowegofromhere]

Hi everyone, first time posting here on this forum and Im hoping that sharing my story at this present time will maybe give me some support or answers on how to deal with a tough patch that my wife and I are currently going through. Basically my wife decided to stop taking an anti depressant after taking it for 8 years to combat her anxiety ,she weaned off it under a doctors advice for just on two weeks ( that was backin December last year ) , now she is very irritated , moody , pissed off witheveryone and the world and she said she doesn’t have love for me like she used
to .I still think she is withdrawing from the meds and I wish I knew what else I could do to help , I feel so helpless and useless .The words she said  “ I love you but Im not in love with you “ rang alarms in my head , now I am living at home with her and mytwo beautiful children and I feel like Im walking on eggshells , I try to give her as much space as I can and we don’t talk much about anything in depth ,basically today my wife said that she knows that shes being mean and feels guilty for it and she knows shes being snappy to the kids and I which is hard to
take at times.We went to a counselling session together where she tore strips off me for being “needy, wanting
affection all the time , being loud and with stupid humour , and she felt
pressured whenever I proposed we have an early night “ , I felt humiliated but at the same time I took it all on the chin , it still hurts though.My wifehas her good days and her bad days , some days shes both in that one day which is hard to handle as I try to be as supportive as possible and be there as I want the marriage to work simply because I love her too much .
Im in my early 40’s , my wife turns 40 soon and shes dreading that as well .
We have two beautiful twins both 8 years of age , our house is paid off and I thought that we had a wonderful future all together until recently .
Today we spoke about her withdrawals and I honestly think that she is not coping well at all ,its like a wedge / a barrier has been put up against myself , the kids and the world to a degree which is hurtful .She mentioned that she wants to see how things go and revaluate things in 6 months time as to whether the marriage should continue , or whether we should just go separate
ways ( which I don’t want and I worry about my kids emotional wellbeing
with it if it happens as well as mine ) . My wife said she wants to re-evaluate things in 6 months time , I fear divorce .

Please help

[trustlife]

Hi,

Thanks for your post. I can certainly feel for you with the load you must carry. I'm not a fan of medicine but wonder if it was wise to come of it after so long a time. I guess the point here though is her wish to make a change. It's a small point but perhaps something we can build upon. I'll come back to that. Try not to put too much emphasis on the current 'words' being throw around. I know it's hard not to take them to heart. I believe your little widow (small as it is) is her comment to you that she knows she's being mean and hard on the children. What I suggest you do is to pick a moment when you are both alone, preferably out on a walk or at a beach. Begin the conversation with "You have no idea how relieved I felt when you said ......... Then wait. It's important she does not feel cornered but you need to praise her for her honesty (which is probably one reason why you both got together), mention that if it's true. If she is reasonably responsive, I'd then introduce something coming up in the twins life that you both need to work on together. With 8 year old boys there will always be something. Birthdays, something in school or sports. Point is, a project to distract you both and will instil your family spirit once again. She's reaching out to you, albeit in a strange hurtful way, but take it as a small win. So to her decision to get off the meds. You'll need some input from your doctor here. What did the counsellor say at her outburst to you. His input is a bit lacking in your post. Are they doing a good job? Do you need another?

[Kathryne]

Hi,

I believe a 2 week weaning off period after 8 years on a medication may in some cases not be appropriate.  Depending on the medication.  Anti depressants usually replace some component that is missing. Therefore you would need a longer period to wean off.

I note you state she has been depressed for 8 years,and that your twins a re 8. Did your wife have post natal depression,  and support then. Also I know 40 is young however some women commence menopause around 40 and the resulting hormone levels can cause serious mood swings. Maybe a full review of her health status with blood  tests to see if everything is going as it should,  then act on any findings.

For you maybe you could consult a counselor to explore your own feelings and  needs.

I agree with Trust life,  in that you aim to do family activities with your boy's and wife. Take the pressure of .

I believe it's good that you're wife recognized her inappropriate manner with you and the boys. Take that as a positive and try and build upon it.

Kathryne

[wheredowegofromhere]

Thankyou for your response Trustlife , I sincerely appreciate it .

 Yesterday was a good day when my wife came home from work and grabbed me close , kissed me and it was a nice feeling , today she's a little cold which is hard but Im trying to hold onto the little things in which are positive .

Some days are good , most days are pretty terrible but Im in it for the long run and I hope that it works out , I just get down about it and fear the worst which I know isn't doing good for my health .

 In regards to the counsellor , she mentioned that my wife felt guilty over the outburst and the counsellor thinks that there isn't anything thats that far gone , Im seeing her again tomorrow by myself and Im hoping to get some more light onto how I can deal with this situation at the moment , I just hope that things workout as I honestly am scared of divorce and not being with my family as a whole unit .

In regards to a doctor he mentioned that 2 weeks is not long enough to wean off anti depressants after taking them for so long , I dont know what my wife is doing in regards to that , she said she wont go back on the meds after I said that "sometimes it takes people many tries to get off the meds ".

I just hope that things go ok and I have my happy wife back and life gets back to normal instead of this situation .

 Once again I thank you for your reply , its good to hear from other people on this .

[wheredowegofromhere]

Hi Kathryn , thank you very much for your reply , I appreciate it very much 🙂

in regards to post natal depression , I think my wife may have had some of that but it was more anxiety and panic attacks which she experienced from time to time as well as dizziness , the meds seemed to have balanced all that out over the years but now she is very moody on and off , some days she's happy and then the next 3 days she's pretty hard to talk to and the tension is high.

She didn't get any support then , we thought it was just something we go through and try the best we can through it which we did .

In regards to menopause I get the feeling that she could be entering that as there have been nights where she has had the hot and cold sweats and restless sleep for a while now even before she stopped the meds .

Thing is I think her weaning off for two weeks was very short and now there is much tension which isn't that great 😕

The whole " I love you but Im not in love with you " and now the whole " I feel the passion is gone is this the next step in our marriage and is this normal, is this all thats left ?" are hard things to take in and I try not to dwell on those too much otherwise it just makes me feel empty .

Im trying , everyday is a rocky road but Im really trying because I love her and I love my family so much .

[pipsy]

Hi there.  You certainly have a lot to carry, wife suffering withdrawal, plus weaning off medication, plus children.  I tend to agree with Kathrynne on this, two week wean off after 8 years.  How did she wean off, was it take one, miss one, take one.  When you wean off meds after years of taking them, I understood miss one a week, then two a week.  Maybe it should be miss one for two weeks, then two for two weeks and so on till she runs out.  Too fast, on top of her issues with taking care of lively twins, would be catastrophic.  How many was she taking each night?  It might be an idea to get her along to the Dr for some advice on how to wean off them.  Also Kathrynne mentioned menopause, sometimes hormone replacement is a good idea, although it too can cause problems.   Is she sleeping okay, if she has trouble sleeping, this will also cause distress.  With antidepressants, part of the idea of them is to help sleep.  If she is having insomnia problems, this could be caused by lack of medication.  The body gets so used to the medication that it can take a while to recover from them.  One of the first areas to suffer is inability to sleep.  I would definitely look at getting her to your Dr for help.  Lack of sleep will also cause depression because she's trying to sleep, you probably are asleep, so she gets irritated.  It's quite a vicious cycle and needs to be addressed.  Can I venture to ask why the Dr decided to wean her off. 

I'm pleased she has you for support, but you need support too to help you understand why it's happening and what is happening.  She probably said about your marriage because she's tired and not thinking straight.  When we get tired from insomnia, our thought patterns become mixed up.  I wouldn't put too much credence on what she said.  She doesn't love herself much at the moment.  She's tired, depressed, angry, re-acting to exhaustion. 

Hopefully a visit to the Dr will help sort out the situation and she'll soon be her loving self again. 

I wish you best of luck.

[geoff]

hello, can I ask whether the antidepressant (AD) she was taking was not working or she hated the side-effects, ot felt as though it was hopeless taaking them.
Many times when people stop taking their AD they then revert back to their old self, but they won't start them again unless their doctor advices them or your wife realises that it is causing trouble within the family.
With depression it's always very hard for anybody to feel love, want love or show love to those that they have loved before, so this then makes it so difficult for the people and family that surround them, and unfortunately I have to say that once someone has developed depression it then creates a barrier between the two that once loved each other, because we are afraid of saying something which may make them fall back into depression, and an example of this is walking on eggshells.
It also applies to going to counselling together, it may seem to be the right idea, but I'm not sure this time that it would work out, simply because of how it went, and because of how she was feeling.
The greatest fear when you love someone is that divorce may happen, which actually with me, but my biggest worry is that she is not getting all the appropriate professional help, or whether she doesn't want to go ahead with any, and if this is the situation then it's going to make it hard for you and the two children.
40 years old is old and you both have the enjoyment of your children growing up, but with everything depression puts a hold on what you want to do.
I'm sorry for you, because it was like hell for me which finally made me get depression.
I do hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.