Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

[Blackboy]

Please can I have advice about where I can turn to for help. I am 67 and my wife is 61. She is an alcoholic and matters have reached a point where she is so bad that I can't keep looking after her. She has reached a blood alcohol level of over .4 (NOT .04) several times. She has been to one clinic after another and while she is there she's fine but as soon as she comes home she starts drinking again. I am in despair because I can't stop her drinking (she buys the stuff herself and starts screaming and crying uncontrollably if I try to take it away), can't force her to eat (she is thin and weak), can't do much to help if she falls on the floor as she has often done, can't persuade her to take any exercise. She is often in bed sleeping or crying for most of the day. She also has severe depression and irrational thinking.

My doctor says the only thing I can do is to wait until next time she is taken to hospital and then refuse to accept her discharge to home. He says the hospital will then get a team of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers to find care for her. But what if she dies? I love my wife dearly. I don't want to separate from her and she would quite possibly die of grief if she was separated from me. Is there any alternative to find long-term care for her? Clinics will only take her for a few weeks. Would there be any home care packages that would be available? I will pay whatever it takes. I just want to see her well and happy. At present she is wasting away and I can't stop it. I sit by her bedside and watch and my heart is breaking.

I suppose the position is different in different states. I'm in Victoria, near Melbourne.

[Soberlicious96]

Also, FYI, I won't be on here for the next 2 weeks, because I am going away for a holiday, so please don't think I'm ignoring you if I don't answer you.

[Blackboy]

I hope you have been having a good holiday and enjoying life! My wife will be going to 3-month rehab on 21 October and I am really really hoping that this will work for her. I will be extremely lonely and miserable but I intend to make the best of it. Look forward to hearing from you.

[Soberlicious96]

My holiday was great! So very relaxing. They seem to live and function at a different pace up north ..... slower and calmer than where I am. It was really lovely. We spent most days having a walk in the morning around the forests and along beaches, and then in the afternoon we just relaxed on the couch doing pretty much nothing at all. Was so nice!

So today is the day when your wife went into long term rehab, yeah? Would you like to tell me about how that was for you? I understand it will be a lonely time for you. Perhaps once she has settled in a little you could visit her and set up a regular visiting schedule, so that at least you have that in your plan, and will have something to look forward to, yeah? I'm sure that she will miss you too.

Anyway, still here, as always. Take care. Talk again soon. xo

[Blackboy]

I'm glad you had a good holiday. I'm sure you needed it and deserved it! A slower pace is just what so many of us need.

It has been a lonely time for me, as you would understand, the last 9 days. Seems like months! The place she has gone to is like a boot camp and she can only phone once a week for a short time. No visiting until 17 November. They get them up at 6.15 and work them hard every day with hardly a break. My wife did do her weekly phone call to me today, for about 10 minutes. She is upset because she finds some of the other inmates unfriendly to her (this is what always upsets her the most) and she has almost no quiet time to herself. She is a quiet, shy, retiring person and she is aged 62. Most of the people there are in their 20's and she describes them as immature and noisy. She feels she has nothing in common with them and is left out of their gatherings. I said she should speak to a staff member, but she says to do this she has to go through the inmates, because they make the rules. It's not a good situation. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder just before she went there. Unstable emotions and lack of self-esteem. Maybe this is not the ideal place for her. For the time being we will just play it by ear and see if she might start to feel better after a little while. I hope so.

[Soberlicious96]

Yeah, I can only imagine how difficult it must be without her there, given that you have been together for so long. And I must admit, it doesn't actually surprise me, now that I think about it, that there are people there much younger than your wife; most of the people that I drank with didn't even make it to 50. They all died quite young, in car crashes, or from alcohol-related diseases, or from suicide. The ones that have made it past 50, are the ones who turned their lives around, like I did. It's quite amazing that she has made it this far, being alcoholic and with mental ill health.

I do hope that she starts to settle in at least a little bit soon. For me, when I first got sober, I felt a bit the opposite; like I was the only young one, and that it was 'about time all those older ones stopped drinking, but what about me?' I thought I was too young and the wrong sex, and should come back when I actually had a poor pitiful story to tell. But that feeling and thinking didn't last for long. I began to really identify with the way that they described their feelings and their thinking patterns, and began to notice less and less of the 'age' of people, and more and more of that common thread; alcoholism and all the crap that comes with it.

Anyway, on another note, perhaps you would like to tell me about what you have been up to in the last 9 days? Have you managed to do something nurturing for yourself, like catch up with an understanding mate, or family member? Or maybe some gardening or golf or .... I don't know, something that helps you to relax, even if it is more mental relaxation than physical?

Given that your wife is obviously being kept very busy while at the rehab, perhaps this could be a good time to remember what you like to do, as well as what she likes to do, and develop a plan for the 'idle times' that may occur when she comes back home in a few months, yeah? If you are both retired, or not working as much as before, then it's the perfect time to do what YOU BOTH WANT to do, yeah?! Idle time can be dangerous time, as it's the perfect time for our minds to 'turn' on us and plummet into all those worst case scenarios it can possibly muster, and then some! Having a routine with plenty to do, is good for both mental health and physical health.

And now, I'm running out of room again! Must go. Keep in touch, yeah? You are both often in my thoughts.

Regards, Mel. xo

[Blackboy]

Hi Mel, I am very sorry for the delay in replying. This is because sometimes I feel weighed down by hopelessness and think there is no point in even trying to find any help. I try to find some hope somewhere. I go to U3A courses, I go to my walking group, I go bushwalking, I write poetry and am in a poetry group, I have a FB page and am in nearly a dozen FB groups, I read, I garden, I do photography, I surf the internet. But I have no family and only 1 friend, and he's in Adelaide while I'm in Melbourne. The misery keeps on breaking through no matter what I do. Fact is, my wife is all I have in life. If she were fine, I would be fine; but her situation is desperate and so I also feel desperate. My only solution is to try to find a way to help her.

My wife was a functioning alcoholic for most of her life. She was a senior lecturer at university for some 30 years and was fine during the day, but drank in the evenings at home. I didn't like that, but it was bearable. The problem began when she retired in 2017. Then she began drinking during the day also, and much more than previously. She has gotten drunk after AA meetings (because she felt not accepted), at her psychiatrist's office where she collapsed and vomited all over the floor, after seeing a counsellor (I had to rescue her from the train station where she was crying and screaming), at another counsellor's office where she was writhing on the floor, after going out for coffee with a friend, and of course at home. Yes idle time is the most dangerous time for her though. But inevitably there is going to be a lot of idle time in her life. We can't always be doing things. I have the idea of her going to a yoga retreat, which will be alcohol free but she will have to get used to being on her own. Her self-esteem is extremely low (for no good reason) and she desperately needs to learn a positive image of herself.

When we go away on holidays she is fine, has nothing at all to drink and is very happy. She has something to look forward to every day and says she doesn't even feel like drinking. But we can't always be off on holiday!

Anyway, I apologize for being so late in replying to your kind post. I promise that in future I will be quick in replying. Thanks for all the help you are offering.

Rory

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Rory,

It sounds like you are certainly keeping yourself busy anyway. I too was in a few Facebook groups, when my marriage was in meltdown a few years ago, and in fact still am. Just different ones now. I found them them to be wonderfully supportive and were just what I needed at the time.

But yeah, all the busyness in the world doesn't necessarily stop the grief and sadness altogether, hey. When someone you love is sick and you can see the illness progressing, and there is nothing you can do to stop it, then hopelessness will always surface from time to time.

Also, I noticed that you said "Her self-esteem is extremely low (for no good reason)", but I think there IS a reason for her low self-esteem; and it's highly likely to be the booze itself. Alcohol is a depressant. It takes all the 'good' brain cells and replaces them with fake bad ones. In fact, here's a link which may help to explain some stuff a bit better than I can:

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/alcohol-related-brain-impairment

Maybe you have already read up on all of that? I don't know. But if not, then maybe it will help to explain some things, such as why she behaves the way she does? It's likely that her self esteem is closely related to the damaging effect that alcohol has had on her brain, and its functions.

In the meantime, and on another note, you and I have a couple of things in common; I too have written a couple of poems in my time, and I too enjoy photography and in fact was in a camera club for a few years! I'm also currently training for a 20km walk that is happening at the end of this month ....... don't know how that's gonna go because I haven't trained quite enough, but anyway, I'll get as much training as I can over the next week or so.

And before I go, please don't feel you have to apologise for a delay in replying; you're not being timed!

Anyway, I'm running out of room now (again!), and the sun is shining outside and I need to get in some long-distance walking training!

Until next time, take care.

Mel. xo

[Blackboy]

Thanks Mel! I will have a look at that link soon. Meantime, pls note that I said her self esteem is low "for no good reason". I know there are reasons, but they are not good ones in the sense that another woman with my wife's qualities would have her nose in the air and extremely high self esteem! I'm aware that alcohol is a depressant. So is she. She is a professional biochemist and knows all about the chemical mechanisms involved. These things are cyclic, I believe. She has low self esteem, which she tries to deal with by drinking, which makes her self esteem worse than ever, so she has more to drink, and on it goes.

I am visiting her in Ballarat on Sunday, so we will see how things are going.

A 20 km walk is quite a feat (no pun intended!) - I go walking regularly but my upper limit is 16 km (sometimes I have exceeded that, but that's due to getting lost). Walking outdoors is a good way of coping with depression, as I keep reading on various internet sites. I wish you lots of enjoyment but don't overdo it!

Cheers

Rory

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Rory,

Yeah, knowledge is one thing, but having the power, the willingness and the actual ability to do something about it is another matter altogether.

I remember years ago reading a book called 'They're a weird mob' which was about an Italian guy who learnt to speak English, but not Australian English! The book was quite hilarious, but it was also a clear demonstration between the difference of 'knowing' something in an intellectual capacity, but then having the actual experience of it being an entirely different matter. It's a great book, but quite old .... I think I read it back in the early to mid 1980's sometime?

As for my walking training; I did 12.3 kms on Sunday, about 9.5 today, and will do somewhere between 9-12 kms on Wednesday. And everyone keeps saying that if I can do 10 kms, then I'll do the 20 kms 'easy'! ..... I don't know about 'easy', but I do know I am determined! I'll let you know how it goes.

Anyway, it's late now and I have to work tomorrow, so I'll sign off for now, and will talk again soon.

Take care.

Mel. xo

[Blackboy]

"They're a weird mob" - yeah, I also read that many years ago and found it very funny!

I think you should be careful with your walk. 20 km is a long walk and if the day is hot you could easily get dehydrated. At least take plenty of water and have frequent rest stops along the way. And of course there is also the current danger from fires, depending on whereabouts you will be walking.

I visited Swati (that's my wife) on Sunday. She is not at all happy in her rehab place. Essentially it's the problems I mentioned in my post of 30/10. She hates it there. I had great difficulty in persuading her to stay even one more week. She is due to ring me on Friday night and I anticipate she will want me to bring her home this coming weekend. She has a couple of standby options in the form of clinics she can easily get into, and the yoga retreat, and also she has been told about a "lodge" which sounds quite good inasmuch as they have "dual diagnosis" involving one-on-one sessions with psychologists for both alcoholism and her other mental issues. Nevertheless I am sick with worry as to what might happen on her return home, given what has happened within a few days every other time she has returned home.

Well anyway, I wish you a successful walk - just be careful and ease up on the exertion, eh?

Cheers

Rory