Why do we compare ourself to others?

[Cornstarch]

This is more of a stream of consciousness style statement other than anything else.

Why do we all relentlessly compare ourselves to others even in the arena of our own minds? My mates tonight have told me that I am a strong little bugger with balls the size of watermelons, and yet I feel like a complete weakling compared to them.

Depressed people compare themselves to anxious people. Anxious people compare themselves to depressed people. It is a relentless loop of self-judgment.

How does one dissolve feelings of victimisation when you have literally been victimised, while living in a society that tells you feeling victimised is ugly and unattractive, and yet you somehow have to come to grips with your victimisation?

It won't budge. Be-gone self-judging mind you are a poo bum wee.

[Paul]

Hey Cornstarch,

I like philosophical questions. I don't like it when they cause someone pain. I hear that all the comparisons and judgement are a source of pain.

Humans are programmed to be in a group. If we weren't in a group we wouldn't survive (That's the hard coded programming from way way back). To ensure we stay in a group we constantly compare ourselves to others to ensure we won't be rejected because our wiring tells us that means we won't survive, so we always compare and always try to be 'liked' to survive. There are a number of theories but I like this one the most as it makes sense to me.

So despite your friends paying you an accepting compliment your own judgement says "nup". There could be many reasons for that - it's like something happened that stops you from believing that your group accepts you, it seems you tell yourself "I don't believe I'm accepted" (Sometimes this is because we don't accept ourselves or a part of ourselves for whatever reason)

When someone is victimised, they feel it. That part is a very much expected reaction. I think society has difficulty dealing with victimisation unless the person/people in society who know the story have the capacity to understand. They can only have that capacity if the story is told.

So, I'm going to come right out with it and ask - if you feel comfortable would you like to share your story? I'm certainly happy to listen and offer as much help as I can.

If you need to talk to someone urgently there's a 1300 number here on the website - Beyond Blue have a 24 hour service where they can listen and help out as well.

Hope to chat soon.

Take good care.

Paul

[Doolhof]

Hi Cornstarch,

Some time ago there was a thread here about how we accept or reject compliments and how that ties in with our self esteem and to use your words self judging.

For me, how I think, feel and relate to people has a lot to do with how I grew up, how I felt I was treated by family, friends, kids at school and people in the wider community.

Thankfully I have been able to let go of some of the self loathing, low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness, judging myself against others and all that rubbish that I drag around with me.

One thing I really like about this forum is the lack of judgement voiced at other people. There may be a little spat here now and then, we are all human after all and that will happen.

As people we do have feelings of inadequacies. Just look at some of the commercials on T.V. advertising, and so on. Listen to the messages behind them. You must have this otherwise your life is worthless.

I also dislike sayings like "Toughen up Princess" or "Build a bridge and get over it". How are those comments helpful to people, especially those suffering from mental health issues.

Comparing, self criticism, self judging all those thoughts can have a very negative connotation to them. Maybe the thing to do is to recognise those thoughts and emotions then consider how you can change them to be beneficial.

Your mates think you are a strong little bugger, but you don't feel that way about yourself. Consider why they feel that way. What do they see in you for them to make that comment? Accept they see something in you that they admire and respect.

Like Paul mentioned, if you need to chat or want to share further, this is a good place to do it!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Paul for the information, I'm not in need of urgent help, I have good support.

I have divulged my story on other threads. It's not a particularly interesting or unique story, some of it's elements are very mainstream, and other elements I've been told are very extreme.

I'm a victim of early childhood sexual assault amongst other traumatic things, and when you have been physically restrained it is close to humanly impossible to not feel all the emotions that come with being 'victimised' so to speak. My humiliation occurred in front of two other people and one did nothing and the other started making me gifts and ensured I felt 'special' to muzzle me.

So when you've had an acute incident of victimisation and all of the muck is still being dealt with, trying to re-wire your head can be tough at times. You logically know it is completely irrational and that you are 'good' and the perpetrator was bad. But when you received powerful messages at such a young age it sticks around.

I think it's beautiful that we have friends to help unravel and re-wire awful experiences, I suppose I'm inpatient.

[Cornstarch]

Thank you Doolhof you have some really good suggestions.

Toughen up princess is an awful thing to say to you.

Mine is more in the category of how does one come to terms with crossing paths with evil and accepting random acts of cruelty.

It's hard some days. I'm really uncomfortable with the word healing being thrown at me because all that does is put me into 'fixing' mode and I become more braced and less flushing out of yucky, toxic trauma. It doesn't mean that I am a misery guts with no sense of humour and I don't experience joy.

I don't have to heal to still love life, and I've realised that other people say healing to me because of their own fear of strong emotion but mainly their fear of someone not being in control. Not being in control is terrifying to everyone so they push it onto me to ease their own suffering and distract themselves from hard facts without answers.

[Doolhof]

Hi Cornstarch,

The word HEALING and how it affects you sounds a little like how I feel about the word TIME.

"Mine is more in the category of how does one come to terms with crossing paths with evil and accepting random acts of cruelty."

I don't know how anyone does manage to cope with this kind of horror. Unfortunately in this world of ours, people do subject others to such viciousness, evil and cruelty.

My first husband used to beat me up and do despicable things. I have survived. I would like to be able to forget, but how can a person forget? We don't have an erase button on our memories.

As humans, we could all endure the same event, but all cope with it differently due to how we are put together.

I'm not saying that one way is better than the other, or that if one person manages to rise above the situation and another person collapses, that the person who collapses is worthless, that they should be able to pick themselves up and keep going like nothing happened.

We each need to deal with our situation the best way we can. Some days that may mean crying, feeling defeated, feeling hurt, lost and alone. The next day we may feel excited about life, willing to give anything a go and to move on.

I guess that is why life can be so confusing. One day the trauma may not be noticeable at all, the next day the memories could be overwhelming.

There may be some days where dealing with all the toxic memories are just too much and "healing" will not happen at all on those days. That is when we need to be kind to ourselves. To realise we are human with many emotions and feelings.

Not sure if my ramblings are making any sense.

Thinking of you and the pain you are enduring. Also wishing you opportunities today to have a smile on your face and a little peace in your heart.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools