What to do when somebody refuses point blank that they have a problem?

[OToole]

Anyone been through this & has any ideas?

My 23 yr old son is verbally abusive & has mental health issues but refuses help or admit that he needs it. He will not discuss the matter .Not been diagnosed. Have tried & begged for him to talk to me but he just screams at me.

He doesn't work, has driven out his twin brother because of his violent physical bullying. He has some very compulsive behaviours, hoarding, non stop on line purchasing, doing things a certain number of times & has physical meltdowns when he is stressed, not bathing for a week at a time, refusing to sleep in his room  - I could go on. Have called the police & ambos  many times but they always declined a DVO on my behalf- He doesn't drink or take drugs.Sometimes he really scares me. They say they cannot force an assesment on him.

He has all but taken himself off the grid - no proper id or mobile not a single friend. I am confined to my bedroom because every room is now full of rubbish & rats & roaches. My father was desperate to help me & gave him fair warning that if he didn't clean up within a certain time frame he would do it. My father made good on the promise - I told my dad about how obsessed he was with his "stuff" but I came home to find he had dumped everything & he spiraled into a complete meltdown- screaming, wailing, abusing 24 hrs a day..

I was so desperate, that 4 days ago that I took a civil DVO  but the police have still not served it despite me calling them. I'm so distraught because he has nowhere to go & my family will help him anymore.

Now, I am depressed & anxious - I no longer have a permanent Dr & it is all med centre Drs who tell me to lose weight & exercise (which I do) but don't hear me out about my son, They offer me 1 day off work & cannot get any proper time off work & cannot afford to lose my job (my employer is not very supportive) & am in a financial hole from yrs of trying to deal with this..My physical health is failing.I am almost estranged from my other child as he wants me to choose a child.

I am just so frightened for him but have tried every mental health & legal ave.Am physically ill with worry about what will happen when I throw him out. My cousin died alone when his parents stuck to tough love due to drug addiction & it haunted & broke them. He will not survive out on the streets - he has no coping skills.

I feel so cruel  but I am struggling to want to wake up every day.

[white knight]

Hi O'Toole, Welcome to Beyond Blue

You are involved in a complex situation. The first thing that comes to mind is to sit the other twin down and explain to him that you cannot desert his brother. And that is your choice at this time. Adding a ultimatum that you'll also lose him is not right nor ethical. It also places more pressure on you.

I assume your son is buying online with his own funds? If not and you are helping him out- stop now.

Are you in a location that it is easy for him to find work? If not then perhaps its time for him to board nearer to where work is available. If that occurs you can then clean up his "stuff".

Can your dad move in for a short time? Then there is two of you to tackle your son and his issues especially hygiene.

I dont have the answers I'm afraid. But it isnt your fault. He is scaring you and that is unacceptable. He is undiagnosed and that is a big issue. Can you get a doctor to do a home visit. Perhaps then, the wailing and screaming will act against him and action might follow by the authorities.

Good luck with this.

Tony WK

[OToole]

Thanks for your reply - A problem shared & all that

I don't give him money, he is obligated to work for the Dole. He struggles to go but the need to buy stuff wins out. I do give him train fare as I humor myself getting out will widen his horizons.

My other lad doesn't mean to be so awful his Brother has killed the joy in all of us.He has started a law degree & wants attention. I have reminded him that he has pulled some stunts but he was smart enough to get help when he was down & I provided that. There's no business like Twin Sibling Rivalry business. It would just make all the difference if one of the would thank me for my efforts.

I live approx 500 mtrs from pub t'port & 10kms from the city. He has also had a very good education (not that it matters where you went to school) so his options are better than most. He has both a chip on his shoulder & a monkey on his bank.My Dad, bless him was only trying to help but he has a Good Irish Temper & went in all guns blazing. I tried to keep most of this from him before I cracked. He was just coming out of the other side of grieving for the sudden loss of  my mother & was just starting to enjoy his retirement & now I have financially & emotionally crippled him with this. I feel so guilty - I have a Catholic father & a Jewish mother so needless to say I have an enlarged Guilt Gene. He does visit from interstate  once a month. We have been joined at the hip since the day I was born & when my husband left me  the day before my boys were born my Da has gone above & beyond for me. He has raised a family, indulged a loved but very difficult wife, helped me with the care of his never very kind in laws & never put himself first. This is his time now & I can't ask anymore of him. 

My son is presently screaming like a Banshee & nothing makes any difference. 

My son is smart enough to know to behave when I have had outside help in- all I can hope is that maybe on the streets he may wig out enough for someone to get him some help.

It still doesn't really make me feel like a good mother.

[white knight]

Hi O'Toole,

His behaviour is his...all his, not yours. Guilt is a terrible thing to feel so you have to remove this emotion and think logically. You have zero reason to feel guilty.

Your sons most effective weapon is fear. You have little choice but to stand up to him and regain your authority as his mother (and house leader) and whatever the consequences so be it. Easier said than done. With this option if I were you I'd carry on as in a normal home, do as I please and do what is required. For example...if his room is due for a clean- clean it, same with his clothing. If he is going to continue to act like a child- treat him as one.

What is the alternative? You allow him to be as he is and treat you as he is and so on.? No, it isnt an alternative. Throw him out of the house? That's for you to decide.

Mentally it is you that needs to stand firm. He knows you are hurting. He knows your boundaries and worse still he knows your breaking point emotionally. You must change that breaking point and remain firm. Ever been in a doctors surgery or other place and a toddler yells and screams to get his own way? Same thing. And the parent that lets him "win" loses in the end.

It's tough. But the alternatives are worse. As they say, dont let the tail wag the dog...

Tony WK