How do I help my friend?

[Mel85]

Hello

I haven't posted in this forum before and I'm really hoping someone can offer some advice.

my best friend has suffered from depression for as long as I've known him (about 15 years). His parents took him to see psychologists when he was younger but he didn't want to participate and he usually just sat there and didn't say anything. Now that he's an adult he says he has accepted his depression, it's a part of him and it will never change. He has times where he seems ok and other times he's completely withdrawn, doesn't want to talk or see anyone.

I offer as much support as I can, telling him he's a great person, an amazing friend and that I will help him with whatever he needs.

I'm really struggling with the idea that he doesn't want to get help and I really miss my best friend. What do I do?

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Mel85,

I think anyone on here suffering depression (including me) will tell you the same thing.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.

When I try to explain the impact of mental health issues to people that struggle with (translation = disbelieve) their existence, I use a physical ailment as an analogy. I am not suggesting you do not understand, I am just putting his situation in different terms.

In his case, imagine your best friend has a broken arm. He knows it is broken. He knows that treatment is available. He knows the treatment will improve his condition. He just won't do it. If you offer your arm to the radiologist no break will show. If you take the image to a doctor, there will be nothing to treat. You cannot do it for him.

Unfortunately, apart from encouraging him to seek treatment and participate in it, I do not see that there is much you can do. In Australia people are free to decline medical help except in very unusual circumstances, and it is his right to not seek treatment.

I wish I could give you more hope, but it is down to him.

Kind regards, John.

[Mel85]

Hi John

Thanks for your response. I know you're right about this, I can only help him if he wants help. 

I'll wait for him to reach out.

I'm finding this particularly hard at the moment, I really miss my friend.

Cheers  

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Mel85,

Thank you for your feedback.

Have you considered talking to your GP about how you feel?

Kind regard, John.

[Mel85]

Hi John

I haven't considered talking to my GP, I wouldn't have thought they could help much with me missing my friend? Interested in hearing your thoughts on this.

I have suffered from anxiety for many years and have times where I feel down. It's mostly under control and don't see my GP about it much anymore.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Mel85,

I do not think your GP can help with you missing your friend, and without knowing much about you, am only offering information in case you are unaware of what is available to you.

A GP can assess you for your suitability for a Mental Health Plan, heavily subsidised or totally subsidised by Medicare if you need to see a psych for your own anxiety or depression. If those aren't issues, maybe just speaking to a counsellor or calling the help line here can provide some support and just someone to talk to.

Kind regards, John.

[Mel85]

Thanks John 🙂

[lookingforme]

Hi Mel85,

I just thought maybe I would write something down here as I can empathize with you on two fronts.  

Firstly, I've been where your friend is at.  No one has actually taken me for therapy sessions, but I have at one stage in my life accepting that depression was a part of my life and it'll never change.  And I have withdrawn from everyone and come back and gone through those cycles.  In fact, just yesterday my friend was telling me how my emotions seem to be going from bouts of indifference and anger and back again, to normal and back to indifference.

Secondly, I've been where you are at.  Worrying about your friend and simply wanting your friend back.  

With regards to the first situation, I completely agree with John.  I never wanted to go for counselling, and I always made excuses and always accepted where things were with me, and I rode it out.  I'm not saying I'm any better but after years of dealing with it and everything that comes with it, I have only in the last couple of weeks made the decision to go see a psychologist.  I made the call today, and that was a big step for me.  You can only hope that your friend wants to change, to see that change come about.  And when that happens, let your friend know that you're there to support him.  But you certainly can't force him.  The biggest thing for me when I came out of my isolation mode was realizing that I had at least one person there for me, who stuck around all along.

In regards to the second situation, it can be terrible to want your friend back, and with regard to how isolated you feel it can come with desperation.  Of course, these feelings could have been enhanced by my own depression.  You have mentioned anxiety, could that be a factor in what you're feeling?  Again, consider what John has said about seeing your GP about it.  Also, if it is you needing your friend, maybe you should remind him of that.  When I would withdraw, my friend would message me and ask me to come back to her because she needed me.  It worked.

With my friend and I, we have come to a settling point where we could be in each other's company but nothing had to be said.  If nothing else, I hope you can find that point with your friend.  Because as you need him, he needs you but might have a hard time showing it or even realizing it.

 I'm not sure if this helped at all.  Sorry if it didn't.

Joelle

[Mel85]

Hi Joelle

This is very helpful, thank you. 

I have accepted that I can't make him do anything he wants to do, I just want him to know that I am always there for him, in any way he needs. 

We're able to just sit on the couch an watch tv together without talking which I'm thankful for. When he's feeling at his worst he won't talk to anyone or see anyone and that's when I get worried the most, I think I just have to give him his space?

I do really miss him but I'm not sure I want to tell him this or that I need him because I don't want to make him feel guilty or add to the way he's feeling, do you think this is what would happen?

I feel selfish for missing him or needing him because whilst this is horrible for me he is feeling much worse.

Mel

[lookingforme]

Hi Mel,

From what you have written earlier, you have already told him that you will be there for him no matter what, and that's a great thing.  

With regard to giving him space; you woud know better than I if that is the right call, because friends develop a sense of each other when it comes to their interactions.  I can tell you that when I retreated into myself for a while, I replied to people's messages just to say that I replied.  I did feel my phone was a burden on me.  That's only because I got used to people not messaging me after, because they knew the kind of messages I'd reply with.  So they had stopped.  And I got comfortable with the isolation.  

If it's okay, can I ask what patterns you notice when he comes out of his isolation?  What makes him change his mind, do you think?  Does he contact you when he does?  Do you know what triggers him in the first place?  I know these are all personal.

For me, it was okay for my friend to tell me that she needed me.  It helped to snap me out of it, really.  It did make me feel guilty in hindsight for my actions at the time. But, because I was there for her after, it made up for all of it.  So it turned out okay.  

I think it's okay to tell someone you miss them.  I don't think it's selfish because while doing so, you're telling them that they are important to you  in a very simple way.  Important to you.  Being missed or needed is often an uplifting thing.

Knowing your friend, as you do, do you think it's okay to tell him you miss him, if not need him?

I'm sorry that all I can give you is my personal experience and not a definitive answer.  But you should trust your instinct because he is your best friend, and know the situation better than I.

How are you holding up?

Joelle