What do we do when our son has given up trying??

[Soulmumma]

Desperate and heartbroken......

What are we supposed to do when our son has given up trying to help us help him. He will not talk to anyone now, our pysch has discharged us from her care and referred on to a pyschiatrist but the waitlist is ridiculous. He has hit rock bottom and I can honestly say I feel I have as well. We've tried everything that has been suggested. He is unable to go to school and i don't know how to get him back there. His anxiety about everything is awful and there's nothing I can say or do to make him feel better. I feel we are out of options and GP has suggested hospitalisation but without private cover this is well beyond our reach. I dont want to lose my boy...........I've never been so scared in my life 😢😞😖

[Summer Rose]

Hi Soulmumma

My daughter was in the hospital for three weeks for treatment of OCD and anxiety. I was allowed to visit daily in the evening and she was allowed to call me twice a day. I needed permission to take her off hospital grounds when I visited and I did this during her second and third weeks. I was too afraid if I took her offsite during the first week that I would not be able to get her back. Sometimes we would go to a local McDonald's or for a walk on the beach or the local park. She was permitted home on weekends to practice the new CBT skills she had learned and she would then go back on Monday. The hospital also offered a support worker to her integrate back into school upon discharge, but I didn't take them up on the offer--I was able to do that myself.

This was an exceedingly difficult time for her, for me and for our entire family.

She did not want to seek treatment in the hospital. She was terrified. But she also knew that the way she was living was unsustainable (unable to attend school or leave the house being so consumed by illness). By posing the question, What's the alternative? and lots of discussion I was able to persuade her that this was going to be a good thing.

The first weekend she came home she was furious with me and I could barely get her back on Monday. She was miserable. The second weekend was much better. By then, even though it was very hard for her, she was beginning to see the benefits of treatment. For the first time in a long time, there were limits on her OCD and she could function much better.

Like you, I was terrified. I looked at it like this: if my daughter had diabetes, or chronic eczema, or Chrohn's Disease and none of the standard treatments were working, and our GP advised me that she needed to be hospitalised, I wouldn't have blinked. In our case, there was no alternative and I simply could not let her continue to suffer in such pain.

She is in recovery now. Attending university, lots of friends, part-time job, etc. I'm not sure she would be where she is today without the treatment that she received in hospital. Life gets better.

Post any time. Ask anything you want. I will continue to be here to help you through it x

[White_Rose]

Hello Soulmumma

What a great suggestion from Shelley about home schooling. If you are able to take on this work it may be good for your son, at least until he starts to get well. My daughter's friend home schooled her three sons and I believe it was successful. Perhaps something to talk with the psychologist about.

I am sad for you that the school counsellor and the psychologist did not work out. Hopefully the new one will have more specific skills with children. It is so important for the child to be comfortable. It was good to read about the success of Summer Rose's daughter in hospital. It's good to know public hospitals have good resources.

Every time I remind someone about managing their own care I feel I being a grandma, which I am. So if I nag a bit just think of me as a grandma who wants the best outcome for your son and you. I know you are busy chasing up various options so I hesitate to say please keep us up to date. We are here to answer questions and give support.

Mary

[geoff]

Hello Summer Rose, I am pleased your daughter is slowly getting the strength she needs, and by going to uni, making friends and working a part-time job.

I would like to know what ' there were limits on her OCD' actually meant when she was in the hospital.

You don't have to reply but I was just interested.

Many thanks.

Geoff.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Geoff

Happy to answer.

When my daughter entered hospital she was sleeping all day and staying up all night to perform her cleaning rituals, so no one would interrupt or challenge her. She showered in excess of 10 times a day, her hands were red raw from an elaborate ritual involving washing and disinfecting. She had condemned certain rooms and objects in our home as contaminated.

Not all of these issues magically disappeared after discharge. But she could then sleep at night and be around us during the day. The number of showers per day was greatly decreased and the elaborate hand washing routine became less intense. For the first time since falling ill she had hope that she could reclaim her life.

I saw these changes as limits on her OCD. A five year battle followed. She is the bravest person I know.

Does that make sense to you?

[geoff]

Hi Summer Rose, yes thanks it absolutely explains what you meant, many thanks.

Geoff.

[Soulmumma]

Thanks for your suggestions Shelley Anne we are looking into the option of Distance Education at the moment. Looooong process though and stacks of hoops to jump through to have him accepted on special circumstances but may be an option. I'll let you all know. Thanks so much for your kindness xx

[Soulmumma]

Hi Summer Rose thanks so much for sharing your story, I'm so happy to hear your daughter is successfully moving forward in life. I don't have to tell you this is so hard as you already have lived it. Today i feel as though i just wish some terrible thing would happen to me to shift his focus....what a horrid thing to say/think but my brain is exhausted from trying and getting nowhere! I'm not giving up just having a break from trying to stay positive for a brief minute......😢 your daughter's story offers me hope and for sharing and caring i truly thank you xx

[Summer Rose]

Hi Soulmumma

Hope is a powerful thing, maybe the best of things, and I'm glad our story gives you light. Never give up. But do take breaks and take them every day. It is exhausting providing emotional support 24/7.

I used to get a coffee and drive down to the beach. Sometimes I would just sit in the car and cry, other times I could sort of relax. Most days I couldn't get a break till she'd fallen asleep. I used to have a cup of tea and watch the stars from my deck. That feeling of "awe" is amazing and I could relax, listening to the quiet sounds of the night. It was a reminder, a connection, to the world outside the pain we were living. My family bought me a telescope for Christmas a few years back and I still watch the sky.

We also considered home schooling but in the end my daughter opted to change schools, repeat a year and then got through with a reduced (but mainstream) program. Something to think about, maybe?

How is your son now? Did he enter hospital? I hope there's been improvement. You don't have to answer, just want you to know I'm thinking of him.

You take good of yourself. One step at a time; life will get better it just takes time, patience and a lot of love x

[Soulmumma]

Thankyou so very much for your reply, you've no idea how much it helps xx he has not been to hospital and I'm hoping we don't have to resort to that. We are still waiting for a pysch appointment for review of meds, takes forever to get in!!! Ridiculous when we need help now! He currently does partial attendance at school and it does help but it seems that nothing can break through to give him any hope. My heart is tired and broken today 😞😟💔😢

[Summer Rose]

Hi Soulmumma

I don't know if this helps you but a paediatrician can also manage your son's medication. You might get in faster. With my daughter, we engaged a paediatrician for medicine and a psychologist for treatment.

I know how much you hurt. And I am so very sorry for your pain. I cannot offer you anything except my kindest thoughts and words via this forum, so I want to share with you some of the most beautiful words ever written by Emily Dickinson, A wounded deer leaps highest.

Mothers like us, who are fighting for our precious children's lives, can do remarkable things x