Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Is it me?

replies: 4

My husband is suffering from depression but feels the root of the problem is the marriage. I feel angry that l have to deal with all his anger and break downs but l also have to shoulder the blame for him. He feels unloved and unappreciated so l do feel like it’s my fault I worked this weekend but have to say l struggled emotionally as l feel there will be no end to this roller coaster we are on. It has been a nightmare for the whole family. While all his focus is on the marriage he seems to take no notice of what he can do to improve his mental health. All the advice he has had from professionals just goes unheeded. He saw a psychiatrist on Friday that told him not to drink for two weeks and to exercise daily. He has been drinking since Friday and drank this evening because he said it was the only way to get any enjoyable from his miserable life. Over the weekend he was in a great mood and wanted to start a fresh and forget about the past, just to spend the next few months working hard to sort out the relationship. He had spoken with his friend who felt they were small issues that could easily be worked out. Today l called him at work and his voice broke up, he couldn’t speak and he hung up the phone. I talked with him this evening and he feels unloved, unappreciated and feels we have different values and beliefs. He says he doesn’t blame me but when l listen to how he feels all l hear is blame. He is feeling very low and is finding everything a struggle. I’m not sure what to do any more if l am causing him so much pain would it be in his best interests to separate? Before my husband started taking medication to manage his anxiety we had some extremely difficult times. Chairs went flying because a high electrical bill came in, he has had me by the throat on a few occasions. Medication made a big difference and l believe it helped save our marriage. Over the last year medication seems to make no difference despite try different types and doses. He seems to go from a cheerful high when drinking on the weekend to a low, then something will happen which triggers an angry, paranoid almost psychotic event then crash a day or two of crying in a heap this is followed by a low period where he is at a point where he can work. Then he might be ok for a week or two until we go through it all again. Im at a loss as to what to do anymore, we seem to have both lost trust in each other and are stuck in this terrible cycle that has completely taken over our lives.

Partner of a amazing guy who suffers depression

replies: 4

Hello everyone I’m lennie and I’m completely new to this.I have been seeing my wonderful partner for over 2 yrs now and he suffers from depression.I on the other hand do not no much about it at all.I spend a lot of time reading books about depression,looking information up on the internet doing my best to understand what he is feeling.im hopeing someone on here may be able to help support me through trying to learn all I can to better support my wonderful man.

My husband says he's depressed, but won't get help.

replies: 3

Hello, I'm hoping someone can help me here. My husband and I have been married for only 18 months, but in the last few months his behaviour has changed dramatically. He hates his job (not actually what he does but just the pressure of it and the culture) and says he is stressed about his weight and money. I am a very emotional person so as soon as he is feeling down I react. We recently spent an entire weekend of me trying to get him to talk to me, him refusing to, me telling him how much I loved him and wanted him to love me back, him not responding, me crying uncontrollably. And just repeating that. I don't know what to do! I haven't talked to anyone about this, so far have covered it up from both our families. He went on some anti depressants a few months ago and he says they ruined his job because they made him too relaxed and not focused. He refuses to talk to anyone, and he won't even talk to me because he believes talking doesn't do anything to help. When we're both very frustrated he says things to me that make me feel even more that he doesn't love me the way I love him. I try to push them aside because more than anything I just want us to be happy and how we were before and I apologise for overreacting and ask if we can just make up - this used to work but now it doesn't because he says he knows it'll just happen again. I just want him to feel something for me! I am trying to forgive all the negative things I'm feeling and I want to just be there and be a support to him and help him but he's just shutting everyone out, mostly me. What do I do? I know if I try to bring up real issues he just goes into self destruction and says he knows he's a failure and doesn't need me to tell him, but when I try to be supportive and just caring he says he's not a baby and doesn't need to be handled like one. His way of coping is by getting very angry but my way is by crying, but my crying aggravates him SO much - he cannot stand it. I'm so worried for us, for him - he's told me he's suicidal. This is not who he is, he's a funny, motivated, driven, very intelligent guy and it's just a combination of his job, finances and weight (he's not even overweight - just a fitness fanatic) that has led him to be like this. Does this sound like depression? Or is it just a really stressful period? What's the best thing I can do for him? Because I've told him that I care and that's why I'm so emotional but he doesn't believe I really care which breaks my heart.

Rollercoaster

replies: 17

Almost a year to the day of his first admission my husband is back in hospital. He has relapsed quite badly despite being on lots of medication and under good care from psychs and doctors. He was improving but it seems like they change his meds he gets a lift and two months later starts to fade. He is very low right now and they are considering treatment resistant approaches. I was floored initially as we were thinking about graded return to work just a month ago as he was doing so well. He has been off work for a year but a great help to me around the house doing the job of a stay at home dad and doing all the kids after school activities as well as laundry, pets, gardens, bins, shopping etc. Now he is back in the clinic its solo parent time again for me. Its a big adjustment for me - trying to get the kids to lessons and classes, working two jobs, looking after the dog and chickens (I wont even go near the beehives!) trying to be hopeful for him that they might hit on a treatment that works, and generally running myself ragged!! My kids have something almost every day after school and sometimes multiple runs are required - I drop one somewhere then the other somewhere then pick up the first boy then back for the second. I have started my weekly plan again - its a good way for me to make sure I am scheduling some down time. I am just posting again here as writing things down is also a helpful strategy for me. I am blessed with family support and good friends but sometimes depression just sucks and I like coming to a place where I know others are struggling too. I hate people pitying me for whats happened, it just is. The depression has caused a huge upheaval to our lives, I dont know if my husband will ever be able to work again but there are more important things in life than money and work.

Husband with Bipolar Disorder

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am looking for advice and support regarding my relationship with my husband. We married nearly 3 years ago (together for 6 years in total). When we first met he was in a terrible place mentally, however with some support he picked himself up and seemed to have gotten through what I thought was a period of depression. There have been warning signs over the years, lots of highs and lows in his mental health, impulsivity, lying, cheating (which he still denies) but I continued to try my best to be a support for him, as challenging as it was. Over the last few months he had become increasingly aggressive, explosive and violent. I had to pack up myself and my children (he is not their biological father) and leave our life, home and relationship. I thought he was just a bad person and didn’t want or deserve us in his life. A few weeks after I left, I found out from a family member that he had been diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder just prior to us meeting 6 years ago. His family assumed that I knew and never thought to check that I actually did know. He had been hiding it from me our whole relationship. In hindsight it all makes sense and I feel like such a fool as I am a health professional and should have been able to identify this. He had stopped taking prescribed medication and treatment because he was embarrassed and didn’t want me to know. Since separating I have confronted him about his mental health and he has now made a huge effort to seek help. He says that he wants to be the loving husband I deserve and a role model for his stepchildren. At present he is in hospital receiving treatment, which is great, however I have now just fallen apart. I have history of depression and PTSD, so keeping myself afloat during this time with no support is proving to be terribly hard. I need my husband, he is my best friend and I have to pretend that I am ok so as not to interfere with his treatment and progress. I am a very private person and don’t have anyone that I can openly talk to. I don’t know how to continue on with the relationship as trust has been shattered and I have been so afraid of him at times. Any advice about being in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

How to help and understand my husband

replies: 3

Hello, iv come over here for some advice and support from people who have maybe gone or are going thought similar situations and could maybe help me understand what I should be doing. I’m not diagnosing but I believe my husband does suffering from a mental illness. This has happened more then once and I’m starting to see a pattern and my husbands mother also suffers with depression. We have 1 children and another one on the way, very pregnant I’m wondering how I can help him, and help myself as it’s really starting to affect me. I would call myself a naturally caring person. I do understand some types of mental health. I have actually done a course in mental health to do with my job as I am a care worker. But due to being pregnant I have to say I’m not really %100 strong myself at the moment. As I said he has done this before but it starts with him becomesing very insecure and feeling as though I don’t love him or an attractived to him. He needs constant reassurance and affection. He was doing amazing for 2 weeks, happiest I had seen him in months it was almost over the top he has now come crashing down real hard. He has come withdrawn, won’t talk to me, or go near me and just comes home and goes to bed. He says he feels horrible and really crappy about himself but doesn’t know why and doesn’t want to deal with it. im trying so hard to love him, care for him, even just hold his hand, cuddle but he doesn’t let me and pushes me away. Iv tried sending sweet messages daily and doing sweet gestures liking bringing him his favourite drink into work. Iv mentioned I’m here to support you, you know how much I love and care for you, I said I can’t help you if you don’t let me, and have said about maybe talking to someone, his father, friends or even a professional. As i am pregnant I can’t help but to take it a lot more to heart. Along with trying to be strong for my toddler and baby inside me and now my husband. It’s hard to be around someone you love and care so much for who will not let you in or help them. I’m starting to think about maybe seeing someone myself to help support me to help support him as best as I can. Maybe then if he sees I’m getting help he might feel more welcome to come along or go himself. Iv tried talking to my own mother and sister in law but I don’t really want to worry them or get them involved. Just any advice or stories would really help me get a grasp on where I can go from here. thankyou even for just listening.

Depressed Husband left a year ago. Now what?

replies: 3

Sorry in advance for the long post. First time posting but I share a story a lot the same as some of you. Four years ago when I was pregnant with our second daughter My husband became distant, withdrawn from me and our family. I found some inappropriate text messages from a work colleague, I put a stop to this straight away but this went on for a few More years,I felt betrayed and rejected. he became more withdrawn, not seeing friends , painting or doing anything he liked. Long story short, he said he didn't know how he felt about me and I asked him to leave our family home if that's how he felt. Fast forward a year exactly and he is still out of home. He has been to 6 sessions with a psychologist who has said he has depression but doesn't need to be medicated. and also needing to reassess his values. He puts work ahead of family and to him we were getting in the way. So my question is this, it's been a whole year I've held all responsibilities, all hope that he will come home. He says he will and wants to. But hasn't. August is my time I said I will feel like letting go, I don't know if I be with someone who can be away from me this long. But Is this normal for them to be away? needing advice or to make me feel I'm not alone.

How to help me best friend

replies: 4

My best friend of many years suffers from anxiety and bipolar. It has caused a huge strain on our friendship over the years because of a core issue that he won't engage with me unless it is on his terms because he is so distrusting of people (both when he is manic and when he is not). I have tried so hard to educate myself about his illness and always try say and do the right things. When he goes through manic times I try and be reassuring that I am there for him. He is prone to periods of completly shutting down followed by exploding at me about how much he is strugglying. I know that some of the behaviours are out of his control, but others are and can be very hurtful. When he engages in these behaviours I try to calmly address them with him, but every time it ends up with him verbally attacking me or him disclosing that he is struggling with his mental health after telling me for weeks or months that he has been doing ok. For the most part I just end up trying to reassure him that it is ok and I am there for him and trying to say and do things that make him feel better. A few weeks ago I attempted to address the issue with him about how he shuts me out of his life and after we got through his initial aggressive reaction, we actually spoke and it seemed that there was a plan to deal with it and he was very positive about it. But when it became clear a few days ago that he might not want to fix the issue I tried to address it with him again. He told me that he doesn't want to lose me as his friend but he also needs a break from me. We spoke on the phone and he was very rude to me which has become more frequent recently. I very firmly told him that he is not allowed to speak to me like that and that I care about him but he is not allowed to treat me like that. Now he has completely shut me out. He has not been able to sustain friendships in the past and I am starting to understand why. I am absolutely exhausted, physically and emotionally. I am trying so hard. But if I ever show I am strugglying, he just says hurtful things. I am also so worried about him right now. He is in the worst place I have ever seen him. I know he has no support because aside from his psychologist, I am the only person he ever talks to and now he has stopped talking to me too. He said few days ago that he is going to get help, but I don't know that he will. I would love some advice about what others have done in a similar situation.

What do we do when our son has given up trying??

replies: 24

Desperate and heartbroken...... What are we supposed to do when our son has given up trying to help us help him. He will not talk to anyone now, our pysch has discharged us from her care and referred on to a pyschiatrist but the waitlist is ridiculous. He has hit rock bottom and I can honestly say I feel I have as well. We've tried everything that has been suggested. He is unable to go to school and i don't know how to get him back there. His anxiety about everything is awful and there's nothing I can say or do to make him feel better. I feel we are out of options and GP has suggested hospitalisation but without private cover this is well beyond our reach. I dont want to lose my boy...........I've never been so scared in my life

What to do when your friend or loved one's mental health affects your own.

replies: 2

Hi, My oldest friend has diagnosed mental health issues (bi-polar) that they've been on meds and counselling, for almost two decades. They recently moved quite far away further shrinking their support network; and I had a baby a couple of years ago, which has further shrunken my support network. Our supposed closeness along with this friend's consistent unreliability in our friendship over the decades has taken a toll on my mental health too, specifically anxiety, with the 'if my best friend doesn't want to hang out with me, then i must be a bad friend' mantra dominating, I've never talked to a professional about this, as it felt self-indulgent in light of the weight of my friend's issue. I've recently seen a counsellor for post-natal depression over the last year though. Every time this friend cancels a catch up, which is almost always, I get really down, and it affects all my other relationships. I know I'm not alone in dealing with this kind of 'it's not really about you' rejection, but i'm struggling with it now. I'm especially struggling to care about putting more effort into this old friendship. It makes me really sad. How do other people deal with this in a productive way? Do you talk with the person openly about this? Do you have a specific meditation or meditative activity? Do you make yourself exercise? How do you not let it bring you down?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Is it me? replies: 4

Partner of a amazing guy who suffers depression replies: 4

My husband says he's depressed, but won't get help. replies: 3

Rollercoaster replies: 17

Husband with Bipolar Disorder replies: 2

How to help and understand my husband replies: 3

Depressed Husband left a year ago. Now what? replies: 3

How to help me best friend replies: 4

What do we do when our son has given up trying?? replies: 24

What to do when your friend or loved one's mental health affects your own. replies: 2