Wanting advice for parenting adult child with mental illness

[krainb01]

Hi. My 18 year old daughter has severe anxiety and depression. She was first diagnosed with anxiety at age 7 and depression at age 12. She is currently on medication and we have seen many GPs / psychologists / psychiatrists through the years. She is not currently seeing a psychologist because she did not like the last one and now refuses to see one (she has always been reluctant). She is currently studying at TAFE so there is no legal school obligation involved. For years we struggled with getting her to do anything, but she was a child and we were 100% responsible for her. Now she is an adult and we don't want her to be dependent on us forever. She is very bright and capable of being a functioning member of society, but she doesn't seem to have any desire to. She has missed quite a bit of TAFE and does not complete enough TAFE work at home during lockdown. If we don't "nag" her, she won't shower or eat properly. She spends most of her time in her room and doesn't have her licence. Now that she's an adult I feel like we should just leave her and let her make her own decisions (and cop the consequences), but I think she would be more than happy to live in our back room forever! She hates talking to people about herself and when she is "forced" to she simply tells them what they want to hear. For eg, she tells her TAFE teacher she will catch up on all the work, she tells her GP she will look after herself and agrees to talk to a psychologist. Once we're home she refuses to do whatever it is she "promised". I'm just looking for some advice from parents of adult children with mental illness who are older than my daughter. Do you leave them alone? Do you still heavily parent them by "making" them do things? Do you still take the lead when corresponding with doctors, teachers, bosses etc? Do you still remind them of everything they should be doing? Has your child managed to be a fully functioning adult and live outside of your house? I'm just really worried what the future holds and don't know what to do now that she legally is an adult. Thanks.

[Guest_1584]

Thanks for that very cool hearing from you too and with what you've been through yourself ,so glad you were still around actually. Your clued in beyond yrs let me tell you, hope your proud of yourself. We become aware of such intricacies in caring for someone MH wise and ourselves too don't we. Not to mention the ton of reading involved.

We spend a lot of time around ea other normally when she is like this bc l work at home and both wander about doing our thing or in her case mostly in bed or out somewhere atm. We do things too though, go have some lunch with the whales , my fav' , ride our bikes , go up town or for drives or a look about or somewhere. We use to go away a bit too but as she get's older of course if she does feel like something she'll take off to somewhere, do her thing of see someone. With her first bout we'd talk a lot, but she'd also talk to her mum a lot too and l started thinking both so intensely with everything going on for her was too much and so this time l've tended to just let it be and she can focus more with her mum one on one and tbh , l think that's enough. Don't wanna dwell on stuff 24 7 all over the place it's not healthy. lf she wants too though or we just touch on something yeah but otherwise l keep it light atm, seems to help, and it helps me too. So yeah you do really need to preserve in these situations or it will drain you which l already have quite a bit going on besides too so l'm careful not to get too drawn in and mostly do my own thing too.Hangin round worrying about her doesn't do her much good anyway, she knows l'm about or there she feels like it. Yeah we've tried of course getting her to at least try her meds and keep her MH appointments, without much luck l'm afraid,

It is the most common age for an onset and often caused by things yeah and we're finding ourselves to at your age that age too and it can be a confusing time in that alone can't it. lt can also pass if your lucky, life levels out and we find their niche which l have hope for her with. But no she's pretty safe we hope and we keep an eye on things.

Your a very caring and thoughtful bugger you wouldn't be going into psychology by any chance would you , any interest in it in that way or ? Could be a come natural field for you if you have , or something else your into. Mind my own business, ok, no worries, kidden.

take care eh.

rx

[Guest_1584]

We did use to cook actually or go shopping sometimes, we had favorites like making a big roast living of it all wkend with movies and we'd both make it all up. Weird thing food wise though she turned vegetarian so since then we just eat and buy totally different stuff. We still get pizza together though haha.

Nice wkend all .

rx

[Isabella_]

You're too kind :') Thank you for your words, it means a lot. I'm studying psych actually haha, I'm in my first year. But I'd love to go into social work and work as a mental health social worker.

I think yeah bottom line my own first hand experience helps.. But surprisingly I've been in a few situations where parents of friends have asked me for some help.. I had to visit my school counsellor to get help for a friend who was hurting herself and things like that, and her school had no mental health services for their students. I had become very close with her and her parents as a result and well they're pretty much a second family to me now.

It sounds like you've gone above and beyond to help her when she was in serious trouble. It's great you guys cook, go shopping, go for drives and have movie weekends 🙂 Man I wish I had something like that when I was going through it.

You've set your own boundaries by talking lightly to her about it and trying to step back. You're so right.. It can become all consuming where you dwell on it 24/7 and it's not good for you. Good on you for looking out for yourself. And you're right, you worrying doesn't help her as well because you're doing the most you can, and I can understand how that can feel like it isn't enough. I think you're an empath like me who wants to fix the people in their life haha.

I'm glad to hear that she's safe. She will find her way.. It'll take her time, but hey, with covid restrictions becoming lesser hopefully she can motivated to look for jobs and she won't have to worry about the uncertainty of getting let off. Too much change can be a lot, maybe she also interprets it as a failure. Actually taking the step to go to MH appointments is something you have to be ready for, and maybe you know from personal experience.

I have full faith that she'll get there. I hope I can give you some peace by validating that you're doing what you can and the right thing, and that's really enough at the end of the day. I hope that you can come to a place where focusing on yourself is more of a priority..

I hope you're having a good weekend also ❤️ Take care.

[Guest_1584]

Ahh , that's fantastic that you've got a direction your really interest in , it's such a huge thing and it will help you so much. That's one of the main things d is in such anxiety over , she's put so much pressure on herself about what to do. Wish she'd just get a pt job and just live life for awhile take the pressure of and things will just come for her then whenever they do and fall into shape. Wish she could just relax on it all.

She wouldn't see the school counselor , tried it once reckoned she was hopeless and wasting her time , nice to hear you tried it though when you needed it ad it helped even if just a little good on ya.

But ahhh , it sounded all rosy in those things l talked about with us but they've been over yrs though and just some good sides. Sadly there's been lots and lots of heavy heavy and really upsetting stuff for her and us too this last 18mths though and yeah this bloody Covid stuff has just been the icing on the cake. Butttt, me and her mum have yep , we've tried and still are and we've got faith in her. l know she can get through and be happy again and things will fall into shape.

Hope your having some fun over the wkend too , don't forget some of that stuff too eh and thanks a lot for the thoughts and tips . l went kayaking yesterday haha.

Take care . rx