Trying to understand and comprehend

[stillunderstanding93]

Hi Guys, I will TRY to keep this short but we will see how we go. My name is Maddi and I am 23 years of age. In August 2015 I met my current partner Michael 45, we both bonded over the fact that were were freshly out of serious relationships. I left my fiance whom which I had a house with and Michael was going through his seperation/divorce with his now ex wife of 10 years. At the time we met we both lived in separate states and would catch up ever 4-6 weeks, we both help each other through a very tough period in our lives. After a year of long distance we both decided I would move to Darwin to give our relationship a chance. I moved in with Michael and his twin girls who he would have every 2nd weekend.

Once I moved in with Michael I noticed moods and behaviors that I didn't notice or see when our relationship was long distance. I then found out Michael is suffering from depression and PTSD. He is currently going through a horrible separation where he was kicked out of his home and his kids taken away from him by the ex not allowing them to visit him. He was left with nothing and under great financial stress and having to start a whole new life again. This whole situation has been hard on us both.

I need advise on how I can help and support Michael through his depression and PTSD. I feel like he is always pushing me away and putting walls up. We don't really have an intimate relationship at all now, and when I try to address it he tells me its the depression and that I don't understand. So here I am now trying. The lack of intimacy in our relationship really affect me as its an important thing to me. He is currently on medication and I have read that this does kill your libido. But that aside I just want to see him happy and overcome this horrible disease, it just feels impossible when I feel like he doesn't want me around or want to be with me.

The only time I seem to see him truly happy is when his kids are over visiting, and that makes me feel even worse about myself and our relationship. I am not a parent myself so I don't completely understand his situation. PLEASE HELP! I cant be the only person that has/is going through a similar situation.

[MarkJT]

Hey Maddi, welcome to the forums and well done for posting. This is what the forums are for and you are now in an environment that is very caring and supporting.

I am a PTSD sufferer so not a carer but it is a very complex injury to have. I also live with depression and anxiety. PTSD does all kinds of things to you:

• Anger. The smallest things set you off. The noise of people eating crackers sends me through the roof. You get volcanic anger but you can learn to control it by grounding yourself. I practice mindfulness and that is awesome for me.
• Numbness: When you dissociate, you lose all feelings, for pretty much everything and everyone. It is a horrible place to live. Some people like this when they do it but for me this was by far and away the worst. You are just numb.
• Motivation: You simply have very little. Even the most easiest of things to do becomes mundane and boring and you don't want to do it.
• Anxiety: Pretty much goes with the PTSD. This is where mindfulness really comes into play. Must learn triggers and learn to combat them.
• Hypervigilance: Really hard to control. Everything is a threat to you. I once checked the windows and doors eight times before i actually went to sleep.
• You just want to be alone in the quiet. It is hard to describe why, guess it is because you just want to shut the world off.

It must be so terribly hard for you but it is not him that is causing this. Be warned though, it is a long time in recovery. This is not an overnight fix so you are in for the long haul, sorry to inform you of this.

Is Michael seeing a psych? Is he on meds? Is he active in trying to recover?

Importantly, has he dealt with his triggering event(s)? This is the core issue and without treating that, it is being bandaided.

There is a partners and carers thread: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers) - this would well be worth a look at.

Have you openly discussed the PTSD with him?

When he is in a good place, is he open to talking about it?

Sorry but my brain is just not working to well tonight, another lovely (not) side effect of PTSD!!

Please feel free to ask any questions you want to - happy to answer.

Mark.

[stillunderstanding93]

Hi Mark,

Thanks for the reply it a greatly appreciated! Michael is currently medicated for his depression, and he did see a physc about 2 years ago for about 8 weeks but that stopped and he hasn't seen once since. I have said to him it may be good to go see one again, and that i would come for support but he think that he doesn't need to see one again as he knows what the issues are.

Michael is still currently dealing with his divorce. He is still waiting on custody arrangements for his kids and for his house to be placed on the market and he believes all this is causing the depression and when that's over and dealt with everything will be fine. I am not so sure.

I am just finding it really hard to deal with the fact that he doesn't appear to be happy in our relationship and want any intimacy between us. Its the feeling of rejection. I really want to be there for him and support him and understand, but also it makes it hard when i don't feel wanted by him.

He is opened up about it once after having a few drinks and he is relaxed but generally he wont talk about it, and when i try to bring up issues in our relationship he will just change the topic or wont answer. Its gotten to the point where he doesn't like me touching him, and I'm not sure anymore whether its the depression or our relationship coming to an end.

I would imagine you would have some understanding of this situation Mark.

Thanks,

Maddi

[MarkJT]

Maddi, you're welcome. It would be hard work going through a divorce at the best of times but a particularly rough one as he is going through would be massively harder. Clearly this would be impacting heavily on him and it will be very interesting once he is on the other side of this and the divorce is finalised and settled. Your not so sure but I think that will allow him to really concentrate on getting his PTSD under control.

I would well encourage him to seek out some more psych session. He says he knows what the issues are but has he dealt with the core of the issue and get that treated?

It is one thing to be on the meds for depression but as per above, the core issue needs to be solved. Do you know what his triggering event was for his PTSD? Has he ever spoken about it?

The intimacy part is a hard one. There may be a chance that he thinks he is not good enough for you and cannot be the man he wants to be with you. PTSD seriously damages your self worth and ego. I am not an egotistical person but i was stripped of mine. It is incredibly difficult to build back up but it can be done. You need the intimacy but you may just have to bide your time and allow it to hopefully progress naturally. Personally i didn't like anything being pushed onto me, not saying that you are being pushy but be mindful that if he is not wanting physical intimacy, don't try and convince him.

Unfortunately there is also the chance that your relationship could also be coming to an end. I certainly hope not as you are putting in the work by just being there for him.

There is a real fine line between supporting and over supporting. We love our space, to be able to chill without noise but then at the same time sometimes when we want space it is because we want to escape from the world. It is a hugely conflicting and complex thing to have is PTSD.

Obviously I haven't seen you and Michael together but from what you have written you are doing everything you can. Keep going as a lot will be known once the divorce proceedings have settled down. If you are with him for the rest of your life then the next few months and maybe a year or so, pails into a drop in the ocean in terms of time.

Great that you posted back and keep asking questions if you want.

Mark.

[stillunderstanding93]

Hi Mark,

Yes this divorce has heavily impacted Michael financial, physically and as a father and I can only imagine what he is feeling as I went through a heavy separation myself. Yes you are right with regards to his PTSD, I think once its done there will be an element of closure for him which he will need.

I will still encourage him but I don't want to push too hard and I have read that can do more harm than good. In saying that there is a lot of triggers and experiences in Michael's life that no doubt would need addressing. I don't know the exact cause of Michael's PTSD he was only diagnosed 2 years ago, but he did loose his dad to suicide when he was a teenager.

With the intimacy I think you have hit the nail on the head there. Michael has told me in the past that doesn't feel good enough or deserve me. Over the weekend I have had a good hard think about this and I have come to realise that he isn't being like this or purpose nor would he want things to be this way.

We have an illness that we will both work on and get through together as a couple, and I always remind him that he isn't going through this alone. We both are. Like you said too, what is a few months or a year of testing times compared to years together, he knows I am willing to get through this.

I need to be more self aware and stop thinking about how I am feeling and how his actions are affecting me/us, and start to put myself in his shoes more. I tend to get upset at times thinking he is doing the deliberately when in fact he isn't.

Mark your insight and comments have been beyond helpful and it has been really great for me to talk to someone else dealing with the illness at Michael. Thank you for being so honest and helpful!

[MarkJT]

Maddi, triggers, they are our kryptonite so learn them. Once you know what your triggers are you can move around to avoid them when you need to. You still must learn to combat them because unless you are moving to a desert island by yourself, you cannot escape them.

What you can do, say for instance, one of my triggers was people eating crackers. The sounds drove me to nuclear anger so at the start when i had very little resilience, when people were eating crackers, I would just remove myself from the room. Over time when my resilience started to return to me, i would sit with them until it got to much, then i would leave the room. I slowly increased this until i got used to it again. I still don't like it but the resilience I have now allows me to cope with it.

Losing his father to suicide would have a profound effect on him and it will forever. To lose someone in such circumstances is terribly tragic and this could well be playing a huge role on his mental health. Something he needs to explore with a psych to make sure he has dealt with it.

It is good that you are thinking about him more but you also need to think of yourself. You are a carer and carers need to be healthy. You won't be able to help him effectively if your own mental and/or physical health deteriorates. Make sure that you are getting some exercise in, eating well, plenty of water and green tea (love green tea!!). Make sure that you have "you" time. The things that you enjoy doing, what ever they may be. Your health is priority number 1. Make sure you keep it that way. You will be a lot more effective at caring if you are healthy.

It sounds like some good headway has been made and that is brilliant to read. Keep going and be aware that there will be bad days, so be it, it is one day, 24 hours, the next day is a new day.

One of my favorite sayings is "adapt and overcome". PTSD is very much about that. I know i will never be the same person i was prior to this happening to me. I have had to adapt to my new life and overcome the difficulties it provides. You can do this to.

Mark.

[stillunderstanding93]

Hi Mark,

Yes I do need to understand what does trigger him. I know nagging and pestering him about something is a trigger so I try not to do that as I know he hates it. Like you said once I do know I will be able to avoid them.

Slowly Michael is adjusting back to a normal life/way of living and being in a healthy romantic relationship again. This has taken some time to adjust for him. Like you said he has built a resilience to it and learning how to cope and deal with it all.

In relation to his father I completely agree with you. This is a topic i only allow him to bring up and discuss about and as of late he has been which is nice! I do think he still needs to talk to someone about the passing of his Dad.

Yes your right about taking care of me. I don't do it enough as I put Michael and his girls before myself as that's the type of person I am. I work 70 hours a week and about to commence University so I do need to take care of me, in order to be the best carer I can. Michael is and always has been my biggest support which is great.

We have had more good days that bad lately and its great to see, things are slowly getting better. I know Michael will never be the same person after this experience and I hope that one day soon all these stresses for him are over and he can move forward to live a happy healthy life.

Again thank you for all the help and advice!

[MarkJT]

Maddi, awesome to hear that you are having more good days than bad, that is a really good sign. I remember when that was happening to me and it gave me great confidence that i was on the right track.

I really think that you have a very bright future together. Couples getting through rough times together are much stronger together. Yes Michael will never be the same but i like to think that i am a better version of me because of my experiences. This is hopefully be the same for Michael.

Keep doing what you are doing. Sounds like you are going great.

Mark.

[stillunderstanding93]

Thank Mark!

All the best to you as well! Its been great chatting and getting some insight! Your information and honesty has been beyond helpful!

Maddi

[MarkJT]

Maddi, you're welcome. More than happy to help out where i can.

Not to pressure you at all but never forget that if you need more questions answered or help in any way, these forums are awesome for that.

Your insight is now building as well so it is kind of like a pay it forward moment. You will use your insight one day, the wisdom that you will obtain from caring for Michael could well be invaluable in the years to come.

Look forward to hearing how you are going.

Mark.