Trying to be strong...

[Indescribable]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for around 2 months now and known each other for six months. A lot has happened in his life over the course of us dating.

He has had to move interstate due to family reasons for what he says will only be 6-8 months, he has been trying to sell his car, and his grand mother had a stroke, all of which has been awfully stressful for him. He had told me he had depression after a month of seeing each other as he wasn't behaving like his usual self and was shutting me out a lot which caused me to raise a few questions.

He says sometimes he just shuts everyone out, including myself. He's letting me in bit by bit which is a big step on his part and I am very grateful that he trusts me enough to share that part of his life with me. He is a very closed off person which is completely different to me who is like an open book.

I have spoken to him about the future of our relationship and he says he sees me as a long term serious girlfriend and has recently told his mother about me but his actions speak otherwise. Although he will be back every 4-6 weeks as he didn't want to move away I can feel the relationship slipping away due to his lack of communication with me.

He has been gone for around 3 days now and I am feeling anxious that we will eventually break up because his depression will take its toll and I will be shut out completely. This is new territory for me, and I don't know how to deal with his lack of communication which I have addressed with him already, though understand that because of his condition he may not be able to.

I love him very deeply and want to help him, but I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts of getting my mindset to understand that he is not communicating because he doesn't want to its because he says he can't. But this is really taking its toll on me especially in a long distance relationship where you can't see each other all the time.

How can I be strong for him and expect the best out of the relationship without jeopardising my happiness as well? I find I am wondering why he isn't texting or calling me, and sometimes (I know this may sound bad) but he may be using his depression as an excuse when he doesn't want to talk to me.

I feel confused, upset, disappointed, hurt, angry even though I know he can't help it at times. I just need some guidance on how to deal with this in a constructive way.

I don't give up on people, hes not an exception. I know I need to be patient but lately I am overwhelmed. 

[geoff]

dear Indescribable, I want to thank you in posting your comment, and your username explains exactly how you feel.

There are many problems with trying to love and support someone that you really love who has depression, because it becomes so confusing to say you in this instant, because all of a sudden the communication between the both of you has been broken.

This lack of being able to talk to you is what happens when someone is in depression, it's not necessarily any fault of yours, and I mean this in loving and caring way, all it means is that your boyfriend or anyone else just closes the door to everyone.

They do this because their feeling is that they don't want to upset you and pretend to believe that all will be OK, so it's called procrastination and they always want to put off the discussion and hope that tomorrow will be OK, but it's not and won't be until he seeks help, firstly from his doctor.

All you can do at the moment is just say to him that you love him and will do anything to get the relationship that you dearly want back on track.

Please get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Indescribable]

Thank you Geoff for your reply,

I am just finding it very difficult to connect with him on some level. As it is very early on in the relationship its quite hard to find a balance between showing my support for him and smothering him. I don't know how to act around him. Whether if I am to tread lightly or to enforce how I'm feeling. Its all so confusing and I feel I am not dealing with this situation as best as I can and I am unaware of how to address it. Please help!

[AGrace]

Hi Indescribable,

You write about a very common concern for most carers, so it's definitely not you, and I highly doubt it's that your boyfriend doesn't love you.

I was just replying in another thread about a similar topic, and wanted to re-state what I said there, that caring for someone, and loving someone with a mental illness is an extremely difficult job.

You mentioned that your partner has only been gone a few days, which may feel like forever because your relationship is still new, but think of all the things he would have had to contend with upon arriving. Has he spoken to you at all in these 3 days?

(not trying to generalise or be sexist) Most men are not very expressive about their feelings or very communicative, when you add depression into the mix lack of communication would be even more prominent. When someone is depressed it's difficult to think logically or rationally, so your boyfriend may not be able to process that you need consistent attention. It's also difficult when you get into a relationship when you have depression because you don't want your symptoms to scare the other person away. He took a huge step in trusting you in order to share with you the fact that he suffers from depression. I think try to give him some credit for this.

Deciding to stay in the relationship possibly means putting a bit of faith in the person, but it's also important that you get your needs met. Beyondblue do have some great resources available for carers, particularly about communicating with your loved one who has mental ill health. It could be worthwhile having a look under the RESOURCES tab on the homepage.

Are you willing to give him some time to get settled? You said that he's happy to visit you ever 4-6 weeks, are you able to visit him alternate fortnights? Is there anything you can offer to do to help ease some of his stresses (eg help him sell his car)? If you're feeling overwhelmed a phone call to the Beyondblue hotline might also be worthwhile, it's important for you to get support for yourself as well.

I hope this is useful, let us know how things progress.

AGrace

[Indescribable]

Thank you so much for your deep and informative reply! It really has made a difference to me. I need all the advice I can get and I just want to thank you for taking the time to respond. 

I did help him sell his car. He was communicating a lot with me when I was doing so, every day in fact, though now I feel a little used because I haven't heard a peep from him. At times I feel I am almost his friend as opposed to his girlfriend. I went away for the last couple of days where I had no reception so that could explain it, though I am a little upset I haven't heard from him yesterday or today for that matter. I feel like I am being left out of his life, like he won't let me in. Its taken a while to even get this far. I do feel awfully consumed by it and I don't know how to help him. He's said in the past that he doesn't ever want to hurt me and that I deserve better, and that he's sorry he got close to me. I have always reassured him that I will be here for him as his girlfriend so the relationship continued. I understand he's a man and doesn't want to talk about his feelings but I really do need that from him because being shut out is really taking its toll on me. Id rather know and understand whats going on in his life and know I can try to make a difference than to be left in the dark. I am unable to commute up there unfortunately due to my career and financial reasons, but how do I address the issue of communication yet again without scaring him away because we've made such progress.