Could really use some help, pretty sure im making it worse and i dont want to throw away 4 and a half years..

[alexandra92]

Hi

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years, we have had a really up and down relationship and at the moment things couldn't get much worse. Long story short, 6 months after we started seeing each other I had a relapse with my depression after several very stressful situations both outside and inside my relationship, I then began drinking heavily and went into rehab. It has been 2 years last month since I have gotten my life back on track. While in my depression and also after, we lied to each other, hurt each other (not physically), and lets just say a whole lot of stuff went on and most of it was bad.

Since my recovery my partner has fallen to pieces, he started smoking pot, drinking and quit many jobs. I recognised a long time ago that he needed help and I tried to get him to agree to speak to someone about it but he refused. Things got so bad that we were fighting daily and even split up on more than one occasion.

We decided to try again after a few months apart in November of last year. things were going pretty great, we barely fought and things seemed back to normal but then in February he lost his job and it all came flooding back. He didn't work for months and he just got worse, we fought all the time again and it killed me to see him turn into this mean, insensitive, spiteful and vindictive man when I know that's not him. I thought things couldn't get worse but then he started avoiding me and he finally told me he needed some time to work on himself. I cried and agreed to give him some space. he then spent every day and night with me for nearly 2 weeks and I was so confused. He started a new job 2 weeks ago and ive never seen him so miserable, other than a 3 hour argument I haven't seen him in 2 weeks.

Ive hit the end of my rope, I promised myself that because I had been where he was that I wouldn't yell at him or criticise him or tell him what to do but this past month I have just snapped and I cant take him being so mean and hurtful to me that I have been giving it straight back to him. This is killing me. At the same time im trying to figure out what he wants from me and how I can be there for him and he proceeds to tell me that one day he wants to see me and he cares about me and the next he wants nothing to do with me.

Do I give up and walk away? or do I stay and try and support him the best way I can? How do you be nice and supportive to someone who is so mean and hurtful to you?

Thanks for any advice

Alex

[JessF]

Hello Alex, this is a difficult situation, and I am all for partners trying to be as supportive as they can when their other half is going through an episode, but it is very very hard when both of you are having issues at the same time. You can't look after someone else if you are having difficulty looking after yourself.  You have been together 4 years, yes, but it sounds like for a long period of that either one or both of you has been unwell.  I think for the sake of your own health, it would be best to at the very least take a break.  It is hard enought o support someone who is depressed but if they are pushing you away in a manner that is hurting you, then that is toxic and you will end up putting yourself back down the rabbit hole again.

[AGrace]

Hi Alex,

I think JessF has provided some insightful ideas. Where are you at at the moment with your partner?

It sounds like the best thing for your relationship at the moment is for both of you to get some outside support. It's really difficult to be in a codependent relationship, but even more so if the person you are with is not willing to get help. You can only love this person so much but beyond that the person still needs to acknowledge what they are doing to you even if it is a symptom of their illness.

I agree with JessF that the least you could do is take a break, but you also need to think of what you need from this person in order for the relationship to continue. If your partner is not willing to consider these things then I think it's time to walk away from the relationship.

In order to support him, you may like to download or request hard copies of some of the resources on depression that Beyondblue has available. It can be difficult for men to talk about their feelings so maybe seeing that he is not alone might provide some motivation to get help.

I hope this is useful, at the end of the day the decision is yours.

AGrace