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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Dallygirl Getting a depressed mate to keep in contact
  • replies: 2

Hi all, as a sufferer of depression myself I understand, but. How do we get a close friend who suffers depression and keeps withdrawing, to keep in contact. How many messages, emails, unanswered phone calls? we have shared hobbies, and close personal... View more

Hi all, as a sufferer of depression myself I understand, but. How do we get a close friend who suffers depression and keeps withdrawing, to keep in contact. How many messages, emails, unanswered phone calls? we have shared hobbies, and close personal friendship, but he lives hours away, and we cannot keep running up there to check. is it ok to not keep calling so often? Are we doing too much? He is not suicidal that we are aware of. any thoughts or ideas?

MP I'm a dad-to-be with a struggling mother-to-be
  • replies: 4

Hi guys, This is the first time I have used an online forum. My wife is pregnant (12 weeks along). She has a history of depression, is lost in her career direction, and is now terrified of being a mother. All fairly normal themes obviously. She has c... View more

Hi guys, This is the first time I have used an online forum. My wife is pregnant (12 weeks along). She has a history of depression, is lost in her career direction, and is now terrified of being a mother. All fairly normal themes obviously. She has complete melt downs (tears, yelling, darkness) almost every day. We have done a lot of counselling in the past and have more booked in. I really do understand her concerns and try to help her as much as I can. But it is having an impact on me. I really hate to admit it (but maybe it is good to say it anonymously), but I feel 'short changed' with life, that things could have been/should have been 'better.' I know this is all really self-centred, but I guess that is why I am asking for some help, but I feel weighed down and disappointed that every 'exciting' phase of life (children, wedding, etc. etc.) comes with all these blues from my partner. I find it frustrating that I feel I can't have an adult, mature, stable relationship and conversations with my wife. At the first sign of her doing anything 'wrong' at work, she falls apart emotionally when she gets feedback. I think it is all having an affect on me. I am worried that the cortison that must be excreted each time my wife is stressed and upset, will be heightening the stress levels in the baby and it will effecting the baby's development. Cheers MP

Luciferase Help my depressed friend (long read)
  • replies: 7

So i've known John (not real name) since 2006 when we both came into Australia. He's a great guy with a lot of potential in him to achieve great things, but sadly has been held back by himself, or rather the depressive side of him. Lately however, it... View more

So i've known John (not real name) since 2006 when we both came into Australia. He's a great guy with a lot of potential in him to achieve great things, but sadly has been held back by himself, or rather the depressive side of him. Lately however, its been so bad that he's barely living, all he does is eat at really odd hours, watch TV and browse the internet. He sleeps when the sun rises and gets up when it sets, and the whole process repeats. I've tried coaxing him to sleep on time, to have his meals on time, and while he agrees with me that he should be doing all that, he somehow just doesn't do it in the end. He always ends up defaulting to that vicious cycle. Its sad, because John always tells me how much he hates getting up or sleeping at ungodly hours, but at the same time it keeps repeating itself! In 2011 - 2012 I convinced him to see a medical specialist to have his depression checked out. From there, he was referred to a psychologist whom he had for about 4 months. The psychologist had a more practical approach to tackling his depression, he was told to do practical activities (set goals etc.) and basically to have a more active lifestyle. I did notice a small improvement in his mood, there was a sense of structure in his life. Then he complained that he was still having sad/depressive thoughts, he was then referred to a psychiatrist. He was put on anti-depressants (I can't remember which one it was) and the psychiatrist was more concerned about his thought process rather than being practical. So this continued for a good year. His mood was generally OK, but he still had his depressive tendencies and mood swings. Alas, at the end of 2012, he told me that he felt the treatment wasn't working for him, that it didn't 'fix' his depression and decided to quit, thinking that he could tackle the problem himself.

LeslieM My dad has PTSD
  • replies: 2

My dad has PTSD, we have asked him repeatedly to get help but he is worried that an official diagnosis from a Psychiatrist will result in getting his bike/car licence revoked.. His condition is tearing our family apart and being exposed to it for ove... View more

My dad has PTSD, we have asked him repeatedly to get help but he is worried that an official diagnosis from a Psychiatrist will result in getting his bike/car licence revoked.. His condition is tearing our family apart and being exposed to it for over 25 years, has effected me emotionally, mentally and living with him has become unbearable and I am severely depressed. I am unemployed and as a result I can't move out and away from it, and get a place of my own. He would rather keep his licence than mend what is left of our family. My sister works overseas and we always used to help each other through it, but I have no one, as my mother lets him walk all over her, it's all she can do. We argue OFTEN, and sometimes it can become physical, but the verbal attacks hurt the most. It's got to a point where I no longer want children because I worry his attitude will rub off and me and I am terrified of treating my children the same way he has treated me. I am also worried that if I have children, he will lose his temper one day and possibly hurt them out of impatience, frustration, or taking his bad mood out on them. I have grown up understanding and accepting my dad for all he is, his strengths and his flaws, but he cannot accept my mother and I for our faults and he holds it against us when he is in a bad mood. Sometimes I fear him. My dad is beyond getting help or wanting it, HELP.

Indescribable Helpless
  • replies: 4

My partner and I have been going out for 2 months. Everything seemed fine, until he stopped communicating with me. The messages began to be infrequent, to the point where we were previously consistently messaging each other all day and now if I'm luc... View more

My partner and I have been going out for 2 months. Everything seemed fine, until he stopped communicating with me. The messages began to be infrequent, to the point where we were previously consistently messaging each other all day and now if I'm lucky its now once or twice, sometimes even nothing at all. I began to think it was me and it started to have an impact on our relationship. He hadn't told me he had depression but as he was communicating with me less and I was starting to worry about what was happening with us he was honest about what he was going through. He also suffers from ADHD and he is in his early twenties which I have read is directly related to depression. He recently found out he was moving away to be with family for under a year, and I am unsure if this was the trigger as everything seemed fine before he was told this. He keeps apologising to me for dragging me into this, saying he is selfish and he's sorry when I talk to him about how his actions or lack thereof make me feel, but now this has made me feel like an awful person as I am aware he can't help it. We have decided we are going to do long distance as he is only a state away and we genuinely really like each other. But I have found it extremely difficult to deal with his behaviour. I am trying my best to stay positive about everything as I am a naturally positive person but it seems like I am upset every day. He has said that some days he gets so bad he completely shuts off from the world including myself and I feel that when that happens I'm unaware of whats going on. I have asked him to try and make a solid effort with communication as its the only way the long distance relationship will work but every time he says he will it just goes back to normal, 1-2 messages a day usually instigated by myself. I feel the need to be there for him by messaging to see how he is and try to uplift his mood but I feel foolish because I feel like it doesn't make a difference to him and I am hurting myself in the process of trying to help him. I feel its only going to get worse once he moves away which is in a day and I know it takes two to make a relationship work, especially long distance. He finds it extremely difficult to express his emotions and to talk about them, and he is extremely forgetful of arranged plans to the point where its hurting me. I have no idea how to handle this situation without getting hurt in the process. Please I need some help and guidance to help him but also me.

MissMoobelle Helping my friend with anxiety
  • replies: 5

Hi, I have just had a friend come to me who is suffering with anxiety. I sat and listened but felt totally helpless as I didn't have the words to help. Thankfully they recognise the anxiety and will be seeing someone tomorrow. What can I do to help a... View more

Hi, I have just had a friend come to me who is suffering with anxiety. I sat and listened but felt totally helpless as I didn't have the words to help. Thankfully they recognise the anxiety and will be seeing someone tomorrow. What can I do to help and support them through this tough time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance!

vip Need some help for my friend
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone look my friend came up to me today and told me she suspects her husband is cheating with a 21 yr old blondie OMG this guy I know him people he loves loves blondes and he loves loves younger girls. What a man he is 40 haha. Anyway there ar... View more

Hi everyone look my friend came up to me today and told me she suspects her husband is cheating with a 21 yr old blondie OMG this guy I know him people he loves loves blondes and he loves loves younger girls. What a man he is 40 haha. Anyway there are text messages where he keeps smiling at his phone coming home late from work leaving early in the morning and on his ipad late at night that she has walked in the room and he has slammed it shut. She said she has asked me a number of times about it at dinner time and he grabs his dinner and throws it in the bin and looks like he is going to throw up. Please men on this forum could this be a sign ?????? I have no idea about cheating ive never done it and ive always been honest with ,my husband and my motto is if you don't love the person just leave them why do the dirty especially when kids are involved I don't get it well I suppose I don't think like a man. And get this mr friend knows who this girl is she dabbles in a bit of drugs well her friends do and she is the daughter of somebody this guy knows you have to see what my frind looks like wavy brunette hair , funny, honest, caring would do anything for her family and frineds never goes out always home always cooking cleaning the perfect wife and mother . And this girl has been propositioned by guys and been left telephone numbers by guys but has never taken any action she is truly not a cheater . Poor lady how do I comfort her is this situation and she is in process of getting the proof together this girl has been chesated on before by other guys in her life wow are there any men out there that don't cheat??? or any women this is all too boldnthe beautiful to me and young and the restless and all too American things film stars do . Up for any suggestions please ????

Neil_1 Advice needed - Please ....
  • replies: 83

Dear friends I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense. I’ll try this. Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son ha... View more

Dear friends I don’t know how to write this – I’ve been thinking on how to do this in the best way – you know, without giving away too much information – um, that’s not making sense. I’ll try this. Last year we (my partner and I) knew that our son had self harmed. Not good as you know, self-harming can lead to life-time memories/scars. I’ve run this by Beyond Blue and I’m not allowed to mention the where’s and how’s for what he did – but just to say that it’s highly concerning for us. The school called us and we were able to speak with him – after some time, we found out that he was doing this because he had friends who were in really bad places and were considering the ‘s’ word. That really shook him up, as he is a deeply caring boy. Fast forward to last Tuesday – we were called to his school (a new school by the way) – he was found by some other boys self-harming again. The same kind of self harm that he was doing last year, only last week, it was a lot more. We met up with the head teacher and also our son (he’s 16yo by the way) – he had bandages where he had self harmed. We were both in shock about this – and had no idea that he was doing this – and apparently he’s been doing it for some time (like months and months) and he’s just been very good at hiding it. The clever little bugga! Only he's not so little anymore - he's about my height now. So this was the post I was going to send last week, when Maresy was saying she thought there was something up with me, and I told her back that she has amazing intuition. But I decided not too, until now – and I do this now, because he’s done it again today! He's bandaged again and I’m just gutted! We’re beside ourselves with worry – he is unable, or won’t tell us why he’s doing this. There is no anger at all, there is nothing but love and support in this family – he’s told us it’s not what prompted it last year for him. He has said there’s nothing wrong at his school and that that’s all fine. He has said that it’s nothing to do with his home/family life. (Wow, it sounds like he talks a lot, but that’s not the case – we just gently ask questions and he’ll just say, ‘no it’s not that’.) We’re now trying to go through different things for what it might be – because there is something there for him that’s really terrible (he’s suggested as such) but he cannot tell us. I’ve told him similar stories that I’ve responded to on this site, and where if the person keeps things to themselves, the situation will only get worse. He’s been to see a counselor and also a GP - but again, that is something that is in strictest confidence and that nothing said there can be known by us. This is ripping us up inside and at the moment, I’m injured in legs and in arms, so cannot go to the gym for my workout sessions – so with everything else that is affecting me mentally, this new thing has just swept over everything else and is like a ‘news alert’ a siren with flashing lights attached and is dominating my mind terribly. I know we cannot force him to tell us – and my partner has tried to be with him to see if he’d open up, but all to no avail. I have tried on a couple of occasions – in fact, only just half an hour ago and I was met with – “I just don’t want to talk about it”. I have my own psychologist appointment this Thursday – hey can you guess what might be on the Agenda for that session? I don’t know what to do. I really feel helpless. Any thoughts/suggestions would be so welcome. Neil

Lamb123 Friend possibly has schizophrenia
  • replies: 1

Hi, I've been trying to help a friend who I am pretty sure has schizophrenia. She has been showing symptoms (as far as I know) for about a year. She started off with a delusion that a man from a quite famous rock band was in love with her and writing... View more

Hi, I've been trying to help a friend who I am pretty sure has schizophrenia. She has been showing symptoms (as far as I know) for about a year. She started off with a delusion that a man from a quite famous rock band was in love with her and writing songs about her, this then progressed to him stalking her, and now he's apparently a murderer. There's a whole lot more things that she's been saying, but I'll try to keep this brief. Around a year ago now I contacted her parents as I was very concerned about her. She came back from the city to stay with them for a while and I assumed that they would try to get her some help. Unfortunately this never happened. They ended up paying for her to move back to the city and now she is worse than ever. She has been posting things about this man online and her delusion has now started to include a girl we went to school with. She has posted things online about this girl being a prostitute, etc, and I have heard through friends that this girl is considering reporting my friend to the police. I contacted her parents again recently, but I still don't think they are getting her any help. I think they are either in denial about how bad she is, or they are really clueless as to how to access help at all. They seemed annoyed when I contacted them, so I don't feel that I can do anything else. My friend knows that I talked to them and now she has ostracised me completely. She even hacked her dad's email and sent me a really nasty message pretending to be him. I feel really "crazy" thinking about the whole thing. It has really done my head in. Sadly, I can now see why people end up losing friends over illnesses like this. The things she has done and said are hurtful and at times it has been scary. I think I have to forget about it, but I really really wanted to help. If her parents don't get her help then what chance does she really have? What options do they have if she can't recognise that she is ill? I know that a lot of people with schizophrenia have a lack of insight and are unable to recognise that they have an illness. Assuming that she is one of these people, how would her parents get her help if she can't authorise it? I've heard that she would either have to be or harm to herself or another person for this to happen. Feeling very depressed/sad/alone and frustrated at the system

Neil_1 Talking to friends or rellies about our illness
  • replies: 18

Hi there There’s been so many people who have posted about these issues before, how they are an issue for them. And this is to be able to talk to rellies or friends about your mental health – your illness. Rellies: As many of you may know, I’m not mu... View more

Hi there There’s been so many people who have posted about these issues before, how they are an issue for them. And this is to be able to talk to rellies or friends about your mental health – your illness. Rellies: As many of you may know, I’m not much of a talker (or I get really worked up when I have to talk – even stressed out yesterday waiting to see my Doc) and as a result of this I positively detest the telephone. So for my brother, I’ll get on and do up an email and give him a pretty good blow by blow account of how things have been lately, etc. To this though, he generally leaves it a day and then responds by phone. I hear the phone ring of an evening, and knowing it’s the day after I’ve emailed, it just has to be him – so I let it through to the answering machine. To have temporary relief. What I should do is to pick it up and speak – but I can’t do that. So I worry and stress for the next 24 hours, knowing that I have to call the next evening and speak. And I did this just the other evening – and we talked and spoke about things, different things with his work, my work, his farm, our upcoming holiday; their holiday to the same place a year ago, my injuries – then he said, “but how are you going otherwise?” And I told him, “Not good – in fact really badly actually – hence a couple of recent Dr’s appointments to help me”. And he said, “Oh, wow that’s no good – but gee, you sound pretty good to talk too”. Now that’s the thing isn’t it people – you can’t really display how you feel via voice – because that’s why it takes me so long to phone him, cause I have to literally psych myself up to a level where when I speak, it’ll come across ok. Then after the call, it’s like you are a balloon being deflated and you just melt down into a chair and say, “thank goodness that’s over”. Friends: Was thinking the other day that someone asks you how you are? Now you don’t have to say this, but I feel I have too a lot of the time. “Not bad thanx”. My thought is you can’t tell them, no, I’m absolutely low as anything and terrible. Because if they ask you the next day or the next time you see them and you say the same thing, this is the belief isn’t it, where if we keep giving out our true feelings to friends, they’ll simply switch off and move on. Cause they don’t want to be around people who aren’t happy or are of a negative mind-set. Thoughts on any of the above? Neil