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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Jo3 I'm so over my mum
  • replies: 21

Hi everyone A lot of you know my story - memories of childhood sexual abuse, PSTD, anxiety and BPD. Parents abandoned me for 4 yrs and I just started talking to them in Jan this year after my grandma passed away. So the relationship between me and my... View more

Hi everyone A lot of you know my story - memories of childhood sexual abuse, PSTD, anxiety and BPD. Parents abandoned me for 4 yrs and I just started talking to them in Jan this year after my grandma passed away. So the relationship between me and my parents is not that great, although I am so so happy that I can get to see my dad. I feel that he is caught in the middle of a very domineering and controlling wife and their children. I had no contact with my dad because of her. Now I have changed, I don't phone her every day like I used up until 4 yrs ago. I would come home and first tyhing I would phone mum. Now I couldn't care less if I don't phone her, so I only call her when I feel like it and it could be days or a week between calls, Tonight I came home from the hospital outpatient program (which was good today but a bit confronting and I was teary). But I had the support from the therapist and I was okay. I phoned my mum when I got home while cooking tea. Mum answered the phone and the conversation was over in 2 mins. She was so cold towards me, very very short conversation with me and then she said oh well i better let you go, and she hung up. I thought what the hell have I done to deserve this? I am so over her and her behavioiur, I am not taking it anymore from her. I am not going to call her now and wait and see what she does. I have done nothing wrong so if she wants to be like a child, well let her. I am over it. I have my own issues to sort out and it is affecting me so much, trying to deal with the abuse, the people involved, relationship problems and communication problems with hubby and my self esteem, my confidence, just everything. I don't need an extra crap from her. She apparently is annoyed that I am talking to my sister (who supported and spoke to for the 4 yrs) because she doesn't like it when we are close. How can a mother not be happy for her 2 daughters to be close. I just don't get it. The only person I feel sorry for is my poor dad - yet again caught in the middle of family crap and he never speaks out. Actually I just thought - I don't care now if we don't speak again because they didn't speak to me for 4 yrs - so now it doesn't matter if it happens again. Why does my mum have to be like this? Jo

Brian_1958 Who can I turn to get help when my partner has Bipolar
  • replies: 2

My partner was diagnosed with bipolar in early April this year. While she was on a real low she was fine (just wanting to feel normal) unfortunately she went from a low to being manic in early June. She has since packed and left and now living with o... View more

My partner was diagnosed with bipolar in early April this year. While she was on a real low she was fine (just wanting to feel normal) unfortunately she went from a low to being manic in early June. She has since packed and left and now living with one of her son's, She recognises that she is high which is a 1st but cannot seem to control anything. After being with her for 9 1/2 years I thought that we were actually starting to get somewhere what with now knowing that she has not been suffering depression all this time but bipolar. She has 4 grown up kids who to put it bluntly as long as she is safe they really do not seem to care or understand nor willing to try and understand what she is going through. They either laugh about when she is manic or say things like get out and go for a walk sort your stuff out. I feel like I am alienated and have no idea what I can do to try and help her. We have had some really difficult and trying times over the last 4 years we started a business and had to fold that last year when she had a manic attack and as a result we have both had to declare bankruptcy, she has not been able to keep a job for more than a month and this has put a lot of strain on us financially, I wonder sometimes if I am doing and have done the right thing for us. There are a lot of post on here about people who have bipolar and lots of good advice but really struggling to find find anything about where family members can talk or get advice about there situations. Please anybody reading this please do not think that I am being selfish or ignorant because I cannot imagine what it would be like to be a person that has bipolar dealing with this condition must be horrific. Some friends who I can open up to not having known or associated with people that have biploar simply say I would not put up with it. I feel like I do not have a choice and try keep a positive attitude in handling this issue I have to treat this the same as you would if the person you love and care for deeply had an illness that is more common and people understand more about that problem.

Mauvaise_foi BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE WITH THE DEPRESSED GIRL I LOVE. NEED SOME HELP/ADVICE/THOUGHTS
  • replies: 9

I’ve been in a relationship with my ex girlfriend since February 2013. It was great, she even told me I was one of the best things that had happened in her life. In the end of March this year however, we kind of broke up, because of her not feel well... View more

I’ve been in a relationship with my ex girlfriend since February 2013. It was great, she even told me I was one of the best things that had happened in her life. In the end of March this year however, we kind of broke up, because of her not feel well due to mental issues. The reasons she gave me at the give were quite vague, but she didn’t even know herself what was going on. She said she still didn’t want to lose me, and we remained in contact. I tried my best to be as understanding as possible, telling her that I will always be there for her. She appreciated it very much, and she still said that I was one of the finest persons she has ever known. Although, I can be a little needy sometimes, and at some point I felt that I couldn’t take it anymore. For about two months I tried to hide how difficult it really was for me. I would tell her it was difficult, but not in what extent. We saw each other only one time during those two months, which resulted in that the longing and the missing after her was too much for me to take. So when she asked me one day how I was, I told her that I felt worse than I would admit to myself or anyone else. She really cared about me, and during the weekend we talked about it and she really tried to cheer me up. Everything seemed reasonably fine. I made what I right now feel to be the biggest mistake of my life. With nothing but the best of intentions, I ordered some D-vitamins to her over the internet. We had spoken before about her illness condition maybe was seasonal defective disorder (SAD), even though she was skeptical. At the moment, I didn’t think it was that harmful, or that big of a deal. But she became very hurt. She lashed out at me, that she wanted me to never contact her again and other mean things. I panicked. Tried to apologize several times, and wrote her an email trying to explain that I didn’t meant to hurt her. She told me to just leave her alone. That was now over a week ago. When she lashed out at me she said she was depressed. I’ve read a lot about depression since then, and I can see now that I’ve done most things totally wrong. I beat myself up for being so uncomprehending. I really don’t know what to do right now. I feel awful and am under so much stress. I guess the best thing to do is to give her the space she needs, but it’s really difficult for me. I really do want to do what’s best for her at the moment, but at the same time I am really afraid that I might lose her for good.

Escapist I Want My BPD Ex Back
  • replies: 2

Honestly, I'm feeling frustrated and constrained right now.I want my BPD ex back, and I'm not sure if she's gone for good.

Honestly, I'm feeling frustrated and constrained right now.I want my BPD ex back, and I'm not sure if she's gone for good.

Mel74 My partner left me.
  • replies: 1

My partner suffers from depression but wont get help, he blames me everything and left me today. I didn't see it coming and I'm shocked and hurt, he seems so cold and distant,I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down, this is all new to ... View more

My partner suffers from depression but wont get help, he blames me everything and left me today. I didn't see it coming and I'm shocked and hurt, he seems so cold and distant,I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down, this is all new to me & I am struggling and dont know what to do.

Stressed Do I stay or give up?
  • replies: 4

I have been with my second husband for 13 years. I have 2 grown up daughters from my previous marriage, he has no children. He has suffered depression on and off over the years. He has sought help over the years, he has been on anti depressants for y... View more

I have been with my second husband for 13 years. I have 2 grown up daughters from my previous marriage, he has no children. He has suffered depression on and off over the years. He has sought help over the years, he has been on anti depressants for years and has had counselling. His mental state has affected me greatly, bringing me down to his depressive state. I feel can't continue like this. I have tried my very best to support him over the years. I want a happy marriage, with love and laughter. He goes into his depressive moods when I say something he doesn't like. It's now got to the stage, again, where I have told him that I can't go on with this marriage any more, that I want a marriage of love and laughter, and fun in the present, not dwelling on the past and thinking of the bad all the time. I am very angry with his behaviour. He no doubt has depression/stress and is undergoing counselling, but it's not the first time he has had counselling. I give him lots of suggestions (having suffered myself many years ago) but he doesn't stick to things. He starts talking of committing suicide, which I don't doubt he feels at time. I find I've lost my empathy. He has threatened suicide a number of times over the years, especially when I say I will leave. I'm sick of getting so low. Round and round we go, a vicious circle. I've now told him I can't deal with this any more as it's affecting our relationship. All he does then is cry. I don't doubt he's suffering but isn't enough, enough? Help please, because I don't know what to do because I do love him but I'm exhausted. He blames me all the time for asking him to do things "all the time" and then he gets depressed! I've told him he has to accept responsibility for his own moods/state of mind, not me. I'm sick of being blamed for how he thinks. If I leave (which I did before) he threatens to kill himself. Last time I called the police, he was taken to hospital but then released. This is all too much, especially when I have my father in a nursing home, and work stressors. I've given him an ultimatum - get to see a psychiatrist to re-assess his mental state and medication (not just the psychologist and his GP) and make a commitment to me that he will work hard to get better or we separate for my own well being. Is this too much to ask? How do I keep my own sanity, in addition to work pressures and family pressures?beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

peach84 Living with my depressed fiancé
  • replies: 2

I have been with my fiancé for 3 and a half years now, and we only recently got engaged. He has suffered depression since before we met, and it has always caused problems between us from the start. My fiancé when he is happy is my perfect guy, I love... View more

I have been with my fiancé for 3 and a half years now, and we only recently got engaged. He has suffered depression since before we met, and it has always caused problems between us from the start. My fiancé when he is happy is my perfect guy, I love him and we have so much fun together. But for me it's like walking on egg shells, we can be happy and having a laugh and if I say one thing wrong it throws him into a foul mood and i watch him spiral into someone that I don't even recognise… the things he says to me and the way he acts rips my heart out and can often scare me. All I can describe it being like, is like being stuck living with your worst enemy, living with someone that despises you so much that they will use every word and accusation they can think of to bring you down. I am trying to be strong for him, because I know it's the illness that makes him lose control, but I am almost out of strength to deal with the mood swings, the things he says to me stick in my head, and it's hard to shake it off and pretend I'm not hurt when he returns to himself and acts like nothing is wrong, and never apologises. He is on medication but he refuses to go see a counsellor. I don't think I can go through with the marriage if he won't at least try to help our relationship by seeing someone with me. Does anyone have any tips on how to get him to WANT to seek help?

El2912 My boyfriend is depressed and bulimic
  • replies: 4

My boyfriend is depressed and has been so for a while now. He also has an eating disorder which only myself and his mother know about. She doesnt seem to take it too seriously, I suspect it's out of denial and she chooses to be ignorant to how bad it... View more

My boyfriend is depressed and has been so for a while now. He also has an eating disorder which only myself and his mother know about. She doesnt seem to take it too seriously, I suspect it's out of denial and she chooses to be ignorant to how bad it actually is. Every time I try to explain to him the consequences of this and how it is impacting his body, he gets extremely angry and feels it's not my right to give him advice on something I dont directly understand. I cant tell my friends or family, I feel as though I'm guilty by letting it exist without actively doing anything - but then my hands are tied due his reluctance for help. He gets in such down and depressive moods, really mopey, whiny and almost as though he has not one ounce of testosterone in his body. He has also become very paranoid and fears death constantly. He rarely gets out and about with his friends like an average 22 year old would do and literally locks himself in a room while he binges on sweets and sits in a depressive state. I feel like I'm his mother at times, he becomes so sexually unattractive to me during these times as he reverts back to being so child like and needy. I love him so much, but sometimes its so difficult to keep the relationship going when he gets into these moods. He wont do anything for himself and I come home to a mess that I have to clean after work in addition to his other mental health issues. I feel as though I'd be a terrible person for leaving, however I see my life ticking away and I dont know if it's a dead end situation for me. I want to help him, but I dont know if I can. I feel helpless and not sure what to do.

Dilemma Struggling with my depressed husband
  • replies: 4

I really need some advice. My husband of 16years was diagnosed by our GP with depression 2 years ago & has been medication since. We recent increased his dosage as it seemed to be losing its effect. I discovered yesterday that he stopped taking the m... View more

I really need some advice. My husband of 16years was diagnosed by our GP with depression 2 years ago & has been medication since. We recent increased his dosage as it seemed to be losing its effect. I discovered yesterday that he stopped taking the meds about a month ago & didn't tell me. It became bleedingly obvious to me through his behaviour. & he has now started to be emotionally and verbally abusive to both myself & our 15 year old son. It's hard for other to see his depression as I think he has the atypical type. Add to this that he is from Italian background, & the issue is just swept under the carpet. Due to this, I am his only support person, & have stood by him to ride out the hard times in the hope we come out the other side intact. However, this recent turn of events has me really concerned - he actually believes he doesn't need there's anymore, & he truly can't see his behaviour & the impact it has. I'm so torn between leaving & staying, my number one concern our 2 teenage children, & my own health is suffering. Any words of advice on my dilemma would be much appreciated. I have a great psych I'm going to see tomorrow, but frankly, it's my husband who needs to be going.

witchy_poo Crisis point
  • replies: 7

I have been with my husband for 26 years and he has always had period of depressions, We have two boys who are grown. When they were younger my husband brought up the kids while I worked. We were happy most of the time. I never put pressure on him. I... View more

I have been with my husband for 26 years and he has always had period of depressions, We have two boys who are grown. When they were younger my husband brought up the kids while I worked. We were happy most of the time. I never put pressure on him. I supported him.I loved him. The last 18 months he has been withdrawn and both emotionally and physically distant - going to work and returning home to his bedroom where he pretty much lived. He has the ability to make me feel guilty for expecting anything from him. This weekend it came to a head. I told him he has to engage more and he.has to decide if he wants to stay married to me. He has been doing extensive drives saying it helps him think. He started saying he was thinking of suicide. I got upset and called a mental health line for advice. When he skipped work on Saturday to go driving while I thought he was at work and sending me texts like say goodbye to the boys, the mental health people called the police to find him. They did and took him to hospital. He sent me text saying he will never forgive me and that we are getting a divorce among the nicer of his texts. Now he is awaiting assessment by a psychiatrist. I have been distraught, and beside myself. I feel guilt and fear. I think he will never forgive me, I am so tired. I am now afraid of what will happen next. I feel so alone.