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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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jasper781 How to i help my mum?
  • replies: 3

Im new to this forum and definitely new to helping with anyone close to me diagnosed with depression. My mum had breast cancer earlier this year and had a mastectomy. She underwent radiotherapy and about two weeks to go of that my dad got sick. Mum w... View more

Im new to this forum and definitely new to helping with anyone close to me diagnosed with depression. My mum had breast cancer earlier this year and had a mastectomy. She underwent radiotherapy and about two weeks to go of that my dad got sick. Mum was trying to do everything and then it hit her in the last month, lethargy, no interest in anyone and anxiety and feeling nauseous all the time. She went to the dr and they have given her medication.I would like some advice on how to help her more. None of us live with her - she is 76. My dad is still in hospital so she doesnt have to look after him.She knows she has an illness but what other methods can help her to recover or at least deal with it as the fact she feels this way gets her down as well. Thanks for any advice....

era1988 Boyfriend pushing me away
  • replies: 2

Hi. My boyfriend is going through a really bad patch with his depression. He has seen the doctor and been given meds and has had a session with the psych. However I am really struggling to support him and he is shutting me out and he is ignoring his ... View more

Hi. My boyfriend is going through a really bad patch with his depression. He has seen the doctor and been given meds and has had a session with the psych. However I am really struggling to support him and he is shutting me out and he is ignoring his friends. I don't know what I can do. I want to support him and I'm being patient any suggestions?

Pixie15 Can family pets be early warning system?
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am just wondering if family pets can detect changes in mood. I have been woken in the night recently by the partner's dog barking beside my side of the bed at my partner who was standing next to it. I am not sure how to explain this and if I sh... View more

Hi, I am just wondering if family pets can detect changes in mood. I have been woken in the night recently by the partner's dog barking beside my side of the bed at my partner who was standing next to it. I am not sure how to explain this and if I should be worried by it. My partner said he had not done anything and could not understand the dog's reactions. I am wondering if the dog could have reacted to my partner's moodiness. Does this sound unusual to anyone else? Am I just overreacting? thanks Grateful.

BrisFirstTimeMum7 Can anyone recommend a good Brisbane based psychologist & GP who specialise in men's depression?
  • replies: 0

Hi, please help, looking for recommendations for a good psychologist and/or doctor in Brisbane specializing in men's depression. All the GPs and Psychologists on the Beyond Blue directory had to do was register their details. They didn't need to spec... View more

Hi, please help, looking for recommendations for a good psychologist and/or doctor in Brisbane specializing in men's depression. All the GPs and Psychologists on the Beyond Blue directory had to do was register their details. They didn't need to specialise in depression & anxiety or have been highly recommended to make it to this list. I'm desperately seeking a good psychologist for my partner who is my carer & primary caregiver for our 1yr old son. I was diagnosed with prenatal & postnatal depression & about 4 months ago have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. My partner has been doing everything around our house for months, plus taking care of our son so I can rest. He has lost 15kg in the past month, can't sleep at night, has poor appetite. He saw a female psychologist in Spring Hill 6 months ago twice & he didn't like her. He used to be a very gentle and calm, quiet person. But now he gets frustrated and angry with me, to the point where he bangs his fists on the table and throws things & has loud outbursts of anger in public. He has agreed he needs to speak to someone but I'm afraid he will get referred to another dud psychologist. His current GP is obviously a did as he has run a few tests to determine the cause of this dramatic weightloss & hasn't done one of those depression scale tests - the dr said come back if you lose another 5. My partner is 6 foot & now weighs 70kgs. Not healthy, his bones are sticking out. I phoned Beyond Blue this afternoon & they can't guarantee anyone in their directory is specialized in men's depression. So I'm hoping someone out there reading this in Brisbane can recommend a good GP and/or psychologist and help us please!

Working_hard Even I'm now feeling the strain..
  • replies: 1

Hi all.. hopefully someone has an insight/recommendation that I've overlooked. my wife has severe depression/anxiety (medication prescribed) and has periods of not leaving the house etc. she is currently employed and takes a lot of time off. I unders... View more

Hi all.. hopefully someone has an insight/recommendation that I've overlooked. my wife has severe depression/anxiety (medication prescribed) and has periods of not leaving the house etc. she is currently employed and takes a lot of time off. I understand that a business cannot sustain this type of employee and believe that it won't be long before she loses her job. i earn "good money" and will be able to sustain the house (and dogs), but if she loses her job, I will also be responsible for "the extra person", her financed car etc. it may sound "selfish" but I work 70-80hrs a week and the extra responsibility will "stretch me". It will mean that the hobbies etc that I do - will need to stop and each $ will be carefully analyzed Obviously a depressed partner is "not easy" but the extra financial bourdon and ceasing of my "fun stuff" is something I'm struggling to prepare for. I already deal with "feeling like a flat mate/being unable to actually help etc" and it's now starting to "annoy" me. The illness has relegated me to a "housemate" feeling and I have plenty of "bad days" where I am unable to go home for support because the wife's illness is the focus..I can deal with myself but the extra baggage is sometimes tiring. is is there any form of "financial assistance" for "carers/partners" etc that can ease the bourdon? Anything that can alleviate a little pressure from a partner "in for the long haul"? I'm looking to "prepare" for the worst..

St3ph89 Brisbane support groups for loved ones
  • replies: 3

Hi, I live in Brisbane and I am looking for other people who live with someone suffering depression. My boyfriend of 3 years suffers depression and I would really like to connect with someone who is in a similar situation. Does anyone know of any sup... View more

Hi, I live in Brisbane and I am looking for other people who live with someone suffering depression. My boyfriend of 3 years suffers depression and I would really like to connect with someone who is in a similar situation. Does anyone know of any support groups that meet outside of work hours?

gmc What to do when family doesn't care about depression?
  • replies: 6

My family doesn't only care about depression (not mine, but in general), but if the suffer from it (which is that they do, they have relapses, but they don't know about it), they ignore it, they strongly agressively refuse it. My depression is partly... View more

My family doesn't only care about depression (not mine, but in general), but if the suffer from it (which is that they do, they have relapses, but they don't know about it), they ignore it, they strongly agressively refuse it. My depression is partly related to them. My psych told me that now when she found out about my childhood, she understands part of my disorder. I am writing this mostly because today I met them again and they stepped again on my willing and decisions and on what I love and want. They don't trust me and they don't care more and more of what I like or want and mostly they don't care of the support I need from them. What to do to make these guys understand? Or should I give up and find help somewhere else? What to do so that I can give up?...

Tegan33 Stay or Go? Desperately Need Help!
  • replies: 6

Hi All, I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. (His 26, im 24) He is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. In February this year he told me he has been very happy with himself & life, so i told him to see a doctor. He did this th... View more

Hi All, I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. (His 26, im 24) He is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. In February this year he told me he has been very happy with himself & life, so i told him to see a doctor. He did this that day and told me he had been diagnosed with depression & mild OCD & said he had been feeling this way for the last 5 years but it seems to be getting worse now. He also uses weed heavily and i could never get him to stop as i shouldn't be "changing who he is". The doctor gave him a referral to see a therapist for CBT but he could never take that next step. He also only took his medication for two weeks and said he was fine and the feelings were getting less. He broke up with me at the start of April, but we got back together at the start of May. I didn't relate this to the depression as he said he was ok and the feelings arent as bad etc. I guess i didnt realise how bad it was and didn't do to much research into his condition. But last week he broke up with me again, saying its not working, doesnt see a future, his head is all over the place etc and went to stay at his mates that night. The next morning he came home and started crying saying he finally realised he has an addiction to weed and a real problem with depression and needs to see someone, his so sorry he has dragged me through this, i deserve better etc etc. I have done a lot more research this time, i dont want to leave him alone and i dont want things with us to be over. I want to support him through this and help him get better but he said he needs to work out how his feeling himself. Only problem is we live together (renting) and i don't know whether to move out, stay and wait till he has had a few sessions with the therapist or just leave and move on. The 4 years I've been with him, we have always had a great relationship and have so much fun together and only in Feb this year has our relationship been rocky which i can now see is do to the depression. Any feedback would be appreciated, or anyone who has been through the same thing and their outcomes?? xx

echoforum25 Desperate to help my 31-year-old Son who has gone off the rails
  • replies: 1

I never thought this could happen to one of my children. My eldest child has always been difficult. He didn't do well at school but stayed through Year 12 and managed a low score. He did some study but didn't finish. He worked for a big company then ... View more

I never thought this could happen to one of my children. My eldest child has always been difficult. He didn't do well at school but stayed through Year 12 and managed a low score. He did some study but didn't finish. He worked for a big company then just didn't turn up for work one day and abandoned his job because it was "just too hard". He has always blamed us his parents for his life, even though we have loved him unconditionally, been there for him always, fed/clothed him and picked up the pieces when he has fallen in a heap. We have bailed him out financially so many times I have lost count. When he abused us for "interfering" in his life we cut the financial cords and let him take the reins of his life, trying to get him to stand on his own two feet. Unfortunately this didn't seem to have the required result and he defaulted on many payments on his car and rent. He then begged us to bail him out yet again. Last year he met a wonderful girl and he seemed to improve for a while while she was around. After a year she isn't around any more and so he has spiralled into a pit even worse than he was before. He has started to cut himself off from us and his brother and sister, not returning calls and only texting us when he wants something. We have often suggested he seek counselling but he absolutely refuses. How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? I'm so worried he may harm himself or one of us if we visit him. His father and I cannot sleep for the worry of it all and this affects us so much as a family. How on earth can we help him?beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

hanaby Husband with depression
  • replies: 2

Hi all, signed up in a moment of desperation. I didn't know where else to turn. My sweet husband of nearly 3 years is spiralling. He never had any problems with depression til 3 years ago when he had a massive falling out with his mother and then fam... View more

Hi all, signed up in a moment of desperation. I didn't know where else to turn. My sweet husband of nearly 3 years is spiralling. He never had any problems with depression til 3 years ago when he had a massive falling out with his mother and then family. He has had problems at work, he had post natal depression after our precious daughter was born in 2010, she was very sick and had a lengthy hospital stay. He does see a counsellor, and that helps so much. But, what am I supposed to do when he relapses and sits and cries about wanting to die? How do I support him through this? Its so hard trying to keep it all together.