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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Mainstay Anxious Family
  • replies: 3

Son says has symptoms of schizophrenia.He's intelligent; handsome; artistic; insomniac; risk taker; elite sportsman; ;impulsive;charming;witty;thirsty for knowledge;angry;verbally aggressive;loner.World class athlete, gained a lot of attention.Then c... View more

Son says has symptoms of schizophrenia.He's intelligent; handsome; artistic; insomniac; risk taker; elite sportsman; ;impulsive;charming;witty;thirsty for knowledge;angry;verbally aggressive;loner.World class athlete, gained a lot of attention.Then chronic fatigue glandular fever his world fell apart he changed.Now he has photography takes off at ridiculous times to climb Mountain 5100 feet sits on summit until dawn and captures it on camera.When buying, item must be the best even though he cannot afford.Credit card is always maxed out.He is a tradesman and won apprentice award every year.Told hes an artist and should be working on cathedrals.Fussy one day then next?Tells his dad he has terrible life,he wants to do better things not the life his dad has.Dad is methodical practical hard working provider.So admires him then disrespects. He reads book saying if he does what he loves and make a living from that and he won’t have to work another day in his life.My husband says not much and holds it in for the sake of peace at work. Our son and my husband were once close but now it’s like he wants to be the exact opposite of the man he admired. His first marriage failed.He has two daughters & is now in another relationship.He is aware that he has made so many mistakes in his life, not only with relationships, but with impulsive spending.As a little boy, you would never have known such an easier child to raise.He was so obedient, obliging & affectionate.Now he lashes out at his father and I.Dad is a gentle soul and does not really stand up to him, but he is easily hurt by the outbursts our son makes but for the sake of peace, we all walk on egg shells.Daughter is fed up with his behaviour.Our daughter does not look forward to these occasions as a family just in case he should explode.Two Christmases, he lost it and stormed out-the next day he comes back as though nothing had happened.Inability to say sorry.He sees me as the one to pay out on.I am always left feeling that he does not love me and am never good enough.His daughters are 6 and 7 see his behaviour sometimes and just look at us for support.We do not know what to say.We change the subject and make the atmosphere loving for them.We get along really well with our ex daughter-in-law and although our son sees the sense in this, at times, he also resents it and is always trying to find ways of showing her up.Then the next time he is singing her praises.He Loves his new inlaws they awesome for now in his mind.

Indescribable URGENT: NEED HELP. LONG DISTANCE BOYFRIEND HAS SHUT ME OUT. AFFECTING ME NOW. BEEN DIAGNOSED
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend of 2 months who has recently moved away told me he had depression. Ive been coping ok with it until now. There was communication between us, not fluid but it was there. Now in the last week he hasnt spoken to me at all. Ive messaged him ... View more

My boyfriend of 2 months who has recently moved away told me he had depression. Ive been coping ok with it until now. There was communication between us, not fluid but it was there. Now in the last week he hasnt spoken to me at all. Ive messaged him to see if he has been ok. No response. Ive facebooked him and hes been online but hasnt responded to anything that ive sent. He lives in another state. I dont know how to cope or if something has gone wrong or if he merely doesnt want to be with me anymore. I dont know how to handle this situation anymore. He has completely shut me out. I recently went to the doctors because Ive got alot going on in my life at the moment and have recently been diagnosed with depression. I have been seeing a psychologist and the 2 sessions have helped. But now im at a stand still with what to do with my boyfriend. Do people with depression go into episodes like this. If hes still on facebook can it be affecting him this much? What do I do? Does he want to be with me anymore? He hasnt given me any indication about if he still cares about me and hes ignoring and completely shutting me out so it seems clear he does not. I dont know what to believe anymore and I feel im burdening all my friends with these questions and dragging them down with me. Please help!!!!!!!! Am I to wait? Im utterly confused and I feel like im going to have a panic attack.

Brady Long Distance Girlfriend Has Depression--Am I Helping and What are We In For?
  • replies: 5

So my girlfriend lives 7 1/2 hours away and had a history of depression, although she rarely showed it, so I thought the worst was behind us. Recently, she had a "depression attack" after loosing both her job and financial aide from the college she's... View more

So my girlfriend lives 7 1/2 hours away and had a history of depression, although she rarely showed it, so I thought the worst was behind us. Recently, she had a "depression attack" after loosing both her job and financial aide from the college she's studying at. She moved back in with her parents and has decided to take off a semester of school and wait to find a job until she had started fighting off this chemical imbalance she's been struggling with since she was 14. I told her I would be with her, if she would allow me, every step of the way, providing whatever support I can from such a long distance. She believes she has Atypical Depression based on her research, although she'll be visiting the doctor in a couple days to be sure. In the meantime, we talk almost daily, usually via text. Most of the time, we joke about things and good around, which at times worries me that she just kind of buries it. Occasionally we will get on the subject of her depression, where I'll try to be as encouraging and positive as possible, saying stuff like "I'm really impressed with how you're handling this" or "that's one more problem taken care of!" etc. She's also a big Doctor Who fan, so I've taken up watching the show (kinda painful) so I can have a subject to bring up that seems to get her mind off of her current state of being. Everything seems like it's fine for now, but based on stories I've read, though, I'm really afraid it could all come crashing down after a while. 1) Is my approach of trying to distract her from her stress the right way to help? I usually let her steer the conversation, so I listen when she's down, but I try to keep it upbeat. 2) Assuming she does have Atypical Depression, and she's actually very determined to treat it as much as possible, even making a daily list of activities to do to fight it off and not worrying herself about a job or school until she thinks she's ready, would anyone know an approximate amount of time it might take to see substantial improvement?

Copper Climbing the mountain
  • replies: 5

Today has been a day of just hanging on. My husband is suffering from major depression and anxiety. He is currently going through the worse depressive episode that he has ever had ( he has had 4 in the last 14 years). He was discharged from the state... View more

Today has been a day of just hanging on. My husband is suffering from major depression and anxiety. He is currently going through the worse depressive episode that he has ever had ( he has had 4 in the last 14 years). He was discharged from the state hospital last week after spending 2 months in treatment to stabilize him enough to come home. Now he doesn't want to leave the house and he is convinced that he cannot ever work and that we are going to end up on the street. He does not want to exercise or use the cognitive behavior tools that he learned in the hospital. I love him very much, but I am struggling to know how to help him.

Hmmmmmm Helping Someone Who Is Depressed
  • replies: 2

Hi guys, I'm having trouble with my boyfriend at the moment. I think he is depressed or struggling and I'm not sure on the best way to help him. I'll admit he has had to put up with more than most recently, but he is gradually getting more and more l... View more

Hi guys, I'm having trouble with my boyfriend at the moment. I think he is depressed or struggling and I'm not sure on the best way to help him. I'll admit he has had to put up with more than most recently, but he is gradually getting more and more lifeless. He has issues with his car at the moment, he can't drive it and won't be able to for a few months so he is housebound. His housemate is a bit older and not quite as energetic as he usually is, so I think he feels trapped. He is not working at the moment as he suffered from Meningitis, Pneumonia and a bunch of other stuff so he lost his job because of it. On top of that he broke his arm. He wants to study to become a paramedic next year, which I really love and admire him for, but I want to help him as much as possible beforehand. His mother lives in rural Victoria and he has no other family, which makes me worry a bit more. I'm trying to keep him positive by calling him everyday, and by planning outings so he has something to look forward to. But I'm working a lot and I'm not sure that what I'm doing is the best thing for him. Could someone please offer some advice?

ndhlp help my sister
  • replies: 3

My sister was diagnosed with depression about 3 months ago. She has had ECT treatment along with taking medication. She was good for a month, and then she was down again. Not sure if this is the result of changing medication (her doctor reduced the a... View more

My sister was diagnosed with depression about 3 months ago. She has had ECT treatment along with taking medication. She was good for a month, and then she was down again. Not sure if this is the result of changing medication (her doctor reduced the amount of her medication she was taking). Doctor has increased her medication, but she is still down, show little interests to everything, doesn't like talk much... It is painful seeing her suffering. But I don't know what I can do. I assume doctor knows the best, she visits her doctor every 2-3 weeks. Can you please advise what I can do to support/help her? She doesn't seem interested in talking.

Shar My husband needs help but no one will help.
  • replies: 2

Hi my name is Shar, My husband has been depressed and anxious for years. 4 weeks ago he assaulted my children and myself, took most of our money and left. All the protection and legalities are in place BUT... Everyone tells me I just have to let him ... View more

Hi my name is Shar, My husband has been depressed and anxious for years. 4 weeks ago he assaulted my children and myself, took most of our money and left. All the protection and legalities are in place BUT... Everyone tells me I just have to let him go and it's up to him not. I've been told he needs to hit rock bottom, realise what he's lost etc... Alas I have two children with him and he has three from his earlier marriage, plus a grandchild on the way. They are all hurting. I have lost my mate. Is this the only option available in our society now. That we just have to sit and wait? Shar

Queenie Separated from depressed husband.
  • replies: 5

My husband and I seperated 4 months ago. He suffers from severe chronic depression and we were both so miserable and he was not acting like a loving, loyal husband. I wasn't acting like a loving wife either and was completely shattered. We have been ... View more

My husband and I seperated 4 months ago. He suffers from severe chronic depression and we were both so miserable and he was not acting like a loving, loyal husband. I wasn't acting like a loving wife either and was completely shattered. We have been working on our marriage, getting counselling and he is getting support and help for his depression. I am so frustrated though because it feels like everytime we get somewhere and things improve for us, he does something to jeopordise or stop the progress. Our relationship is so much better, I am stronger and more secure in myself, as I am getting help also, and a lot of the issues that were holding us apart have been sorted. Our communication is so much more open and honest. We have reestablished our relationship boundaries. We were talking about the future and how we would be selling our house and downsizing with the expectation that we would live together. Now I have a text (yes a TEXT) from him telling me that he is in a bad way and doesn't want to live with me because he is dragging me into his chaos. I understand that he had a bad day - but do I take this text at face value and accept that he doesn't want to live with me or do I be understanding that he may not actually feel this way? I don't think this is fair and even though I cried my eyes out when I first read it now I am angry. I am angry that his depression seems to call the shots in our marriage and is making decisions for us. I would be really interested in hearing what advice anyone has.

Indescribable Trying to be strong...
  • replies: 4

My boyfriend and I have been going out for around 2 months now and known each other for six months. A lot has happened in his life over the course of us dating.He has had to move interstate due to family reasons for what he says will only be 6-8 mont... View more

My boyfriend and I have been going out for around 2 months now and known each other for six months. A lot has happened in his life over the course of us dating.He has had to move interstate due to family reasons for what he says will only be 6-8 months, he has been trying to sell his car, and his grand mother had a stroke, all of which has been awfully stressful for him. He had told me he had depression after a month of seeing each other as he wasn't behaving like his usual self and was shutting me out a lot which caused me to raise a few questions.He says sometimes he just shuts everyone out, including myself. He's letting me in bit by bit which is a big step on his part and I am very grateful that he trusts me enough to share that part of his life with me. He is a very closed off person which is completely different to me who is like an open book.I have spoken to him about the future of our relationship and he says he sees me as a long term serious girlfriend and has recently told his mother about me but his actions speak otherwise. Although he will be back every 4-6 weeks as he didn't want to move away I can feel the relationship slipping away due to his lack of communication with me.He has been gone for around 3 days now and I am feeling anxious that we will eventually break up because his depression will take its toll and I will be shut out completely. This is new territory for me, and I don't know how to deal with his lack of communication which I have addressed with him already, though understand that because of his condition he may not be able to.I love him very deeply and want to help him, but I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts of getting my mindset to understand that he is not communicating because he doesn't want to its because he says he can't. But this is really taking its toll on me especially in a long distance relationship where you can't see each other all the time.How can I be strong for him and expect the best out of the relationship without jeopardising my happiness as well? I find I am wondering why he isn't texting or calling me, and sometimes (I know this may sound bad) but he may be using his depression as an excuse when he doesn't want to talk to me.I feel confused, upset, disappointed, hurt, angry even though I know he can't help it at times. I just need some guidance on how to deal with this in a constructive way.I don't give up on people, hes not an exception. I know I need to be patient but lately I am overwhelmed.

alexandra92 Could really use some help, pretty sure im making it worse and i dont want to throw away 4 and a half years..
  • replies: 2

Hi I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years, we have had a really up and down relationship and at the moment things couldn't get much worse. Long story short, 6 months after we started seeing each other I had a relapse with my depression ... View more

Hi I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years, we have had a really up and down relationship and at the moment things couldn't get much worse. Long story short, 6 months after we started seeing each other I had a relapse with my depression after several very stressful situations both outside and inside my relationship, I then began drinking heavily and went into rehab. It has been 2 years last month since I have gotten my life back on track. While in my depression and also after, we lied to each other, hurt each other (not physically), and lets just say a whole lot of stuff went on and most of it was bad. Since my recovery my partner has fallen to pieces, he started smoking pot, drinking and quit many jobs. I recognised a long time ago that he needed help and I tried to get him to agree to speak to someone about it but he refused. Things got so bad that we were fighting daily and even split up on more than one occasion. We decided to try again after a few months apart in November of last year. things were going pretty great, we barely fought and things seemed back to normal but then in February he lost his job and it all came flooding back. He didn't work for months and he just got worse, we fought all the time again and it killed me to see him turn into this mean, insensitive, spiteful and vindictive man when I know that's not him. I thought things couldn't get worse but then he started avoiding me and he finally told me he needed some time to work on himself. I cried and agreed to give him some space. he then spent every day and night with me for nearly 2 weeks and I was so confused. He started a new job 2 weeks ago and ive never seen him so miserable, other than a 3 hour argument I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. Ive hit the end of my rope, I promised myself that because I had been where he was that I wouldn't yell at him or criticise him or tell him what to do but this past month I have just snapped and I cant take him being so mean and hurtful to me that I have been giving it straight back to him. This is killing me. At the same time im trying to figure out what he wants from me and how I can be there for him and he proceeds to tell me that one day he wants to see me and he cares about me and the next he wants nothing to do with me. Do I give up and walk away? or do I stay and try and support him the best way I can? How do you be nice and supportive to someone who is so mean and hurtful to you? Thanks for any advice Alex