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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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syvio Depressed husband suddenly happy again
  • replies: 5

I have been married for nearly 15 years and most of this time my husband has suffered with depression to varying degrees. He has had medication on a few occasions but never any further treatment. This week he has announced that he suddenly feels bett... View more

I have been married for nearly 15 years and most of this time my husband has suffered with depression to varying degrees. He has had medication on a few occasions but never any further treatment. This week he has announced that he suddenly feels better - like a weight has been lifted. He says he hasn't felt this good since he was a child. He only now realises that when I had said to him before that he wasn't happy in himself that I was right. He now feels happy and content - and I'm nervous! Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted that he's feeling so good but is this normal? Should I be concerned about this sudden change in mood and attitude? After years of distance and lack of connection or good communication, he says he feels like we're dating again. He also says his sleeping pattern has changed from where he could never remember dreams to having vivid dreams that he remembers in detail. I would really appreciate an opinion as to others experience of coming out of depression and if I should be concerned or just happy! Thanks

BW75 Advice on depression - first steps
  • replies: 6

My husband is displaying characteristics of being depressed or anxious and at work is predominately where these behaviours are displayed. Feeling really emotional, upset belly, lack of concentration, self esteem and motivation. Last week he took a we... View more

My husband is displaying characteristics of being depressed or anxious and at work is predominately where these behaviours are displayed. Feeling really emotional, upset belly, lack of concentration, self esteem and motivation. Last week he took a week off work to just 'unwind' and see if that could re-set the system. By day 3 back at work this week, it all feels the same again. It's not a long term solution but to kick start improvement is it best he just stops working for the moment??? He has got a referral to our counsellor and will begin these sessions next week but I cant imagine the despair in coming to work feeling like this each day. Or is it a cop out?

jordie33 partner with bipolar
  • replies: 1

Hi all, My partner has bipolar disorder we have been together for just over 2 years now and in recent times she has spoken about trading me in for a younger model ( in jest) but I often have feelings that she is doing stuff behind my back she has bee... View more

Hi all, My partner has bipolar disorder we have been together for just over 2 years now and in recent times she has spoken about trading me in for a younger model ( in jest) but I often have feelings that she is doing stuff behind my back she has been medicated for bipolar but hasn't been on them for a little while. I always ask if I'm doing enough to look after her both day today and also during the intimate times. If I'm having thoughts that maybe she is doing things behind my back how do I approach the subject with her.

embo Need help dealing with my daughters depression
  • replies: 7

Hi there first time on here. Really need some advice on how to deal with my 15 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with severe depression and has resorted to self harming. She is an extremely empathetic girl. All the girls at school go to my dau... View more

Hi there first time on here. Really need some advice on how to deal with my 15 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with severe depression and has resorted to self harming. She is an extremely empathetic girl. All the girls at school go to my daughter with their issues. She has just broken up with her boyfriend of 7 months because he had sucked everything out of her due to his own depression and anxiety issues. We are left with a very sad girl. We have been getting her regular counselling and even doing hypnotherapy recentely she has been really good my son just turned 18. The attention has been on him for the past couple of days versus her all the time. She sat at the dinner table last night and declared that she was disappointed with our lack of response to the card she wrote for him. She was looking for attention. She has always been a very dramatic child. So she turned on the tears. By the time we got home she was screaming and carrying on we got our friend around to calm her down (he is a policeman who deals with this stuff) he sat up there for two and a half hours to calm her down and talk to her. He has since advised us that she was basically being a brat. That there really wasnt anything wrong. That she was just making everything about herself when she went to bed she advised us that she was angry with us! I also need to mention that she has a little brother age 9 whom she is malicious towards who is very confused and heartbroken about what is going on in our home at the moment today we basically dragged her out of bed and to school. I have since had the school phone me to advise she is refusing to go into class so this is where I need help. I am a tough parent. Behaviour like that would normally be dealt with. Removal of priviledges etc however anything we implement pushes her into depression can someone please help me and tell me how I can handle her. I understand she is going through a difficult time. We have all been so supportive for her and truly dont know what else we can do to help but it is really starting to effect all of us thank you in advance

white knight EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL- likely extreme BPD?
  • replies: 7

Hi all, just a background. I have bipolar 2, dysthymia, anxiety and depression and ADHD when younger. My sister has depression. My mother undiagnosed as in denial for her 82 years has BPD (?). Her symptoms are so severe my sister and I dont have anym... View more

Hi all, just a background. I have bipolar 2, dysthymia, anxiety and depression and ADHD when younger. My sister has depression. My mother undiagnosed as in denial for her 82 years has BPD (?). Her symptoms are so severe my sister and I dont have anymore contact. The extreme behaviour our mother had all our lives was so bad that living without her contact was a real blessing. Sad as it sounds. No regrets. Her need for control was unworkable. Manipulation was rampant and expectations very high of us. She owned us until we snapped. What I want to raise is emotional blackmail that we had as children right up till I was 28yo. I'm interested in the effects of it on you if you experienced it. I say till 28yo because it was then that I called my mothers bluff. "If you go out with that girl again I'll pack my bags and go on a holiday and you can fend for yourself." she blurped. To which I replied "Do you want me to help you pack"? That was a big step for me...to call her bluff. Now that seems rather nasty but it was required as were the several other incidences that followed until it ceased. But these blackmailing episodes began as long as I can remember. Sadly it also involved my father "If you kids dont pick up your toys I'll tell your father when he came home" following which often we got belted by dad. Bless him, what a good man sent on wicked disciplining methods on her whim. I dont want to paint all BPD sufferers with an evil coating. I'm curious if EB is a trait in BPD sufferers or maybe this side of my mother wasnt associated at all with the illness.? We can blame parents for many things - some not justified some are. Some parents go off on their own tangent when parenting their children and dont observe nor listen to others how they parent their child. And some dont even read a book about parenting....as if it all comes so naturally. Hence some errors occur and its only when the child gets to a certain age they respond to stamp out the incorrect treatment of them. Again I hope I dont upset other sufferers. I am curious as to emotional blackmail and if you have experienced it and what you did about it.

Browneyedgirl82 Struggling to be 'the rock'
  • replies: 6

This is my first visit to beyond blue forums. I have visited the site many times looking for advice on how to help my sister who is coping with severe depression. She has been on this rollercoaster for several years. Lately there have been a series o... View more

This is my first visit to beyond blue forums. I have visited the site many times looking for advice on how to help my sister who is coping with severe depression. She has been on this rollercoaster for several years. Lately there have been a series of events that have made things worse than they have been in a long time for her. Lost her job, relationship breakdown, car accident, and physical injuries. Since losing her job she has moved back with me and I am finding it very hard to be supportive of her. I know this may sound very selfish, and that is not the way i intend it, it is just heartbreaking seeing someone you love going through this and not being able to help. Sometimes i think just being there for her would help but she shuts me out. Locks herself in her bedroom for days and doesn't speak to anyone, which makes things worse. She has been to a GP and been prescribed anti-depressants but only takes them sometimes. She speaks to me regularly about not wanting to be alove anymore which is the most concerning thing. Every day i go to work or come home and she is in her room with her door shut i wonder if she is breathing in there. I have spoken to our other family members about it and asked them to help support but they don't, and she says that i and her troublesome ex partner are the only ones she can confide in about it. I'm wondering if anyone out there can offer advice on additional support for the families or carers of those suffering mental illness. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Voice_Mail Struggling with Bipolar friend
  • replies: 2

Previously it was thought that my friend just had depression, however she was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We are both currently on exchange, and living as neighbours in one-person apartments. Friend has trouble maintaining relationships... View more

Previously it was thought that my friend just had depression, however she was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We are both currently on exchange, and living as neighbours in one-person apartments. Friend has trouble maintaining relationships, and at times I have been her only friend. However this has put a lot of pressure on me as I am an introvert, yet she is constantly ringing my doorbell, calling me or messaging me, wanting me to go out and do things every day. I suffer from chronic depression and this pressure has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety, with my psychologist suggesting that I try and set boundaries. Friend also has a drinking problem, despite everyone trying to stop her from drinking, and expresses very problematic behaviour when drunk. Recently she has come home drunk and rung my doorbell at 3-4 in the morning, three times, shouting at me and accusing me of things. I know that these are symptoms of her mental illness, and all of websites say not to take these episodes personally, but as a depression sufferer it's really hard. I feel like I am sacrificing my own health and wellbeing by trying to stick by my friend, and it is becoming a real struggle to deal with her. I feel like it would be best for my own health if I broke off ties with her, but at the same time feel guilty about that possibility because I know what it is like to struggle with mental illness. (She is currently talking with a psychiatrist twice a week, recently started on a new medication, and will be changing from her anti-depressants to a different medication next month. The psychiatrist is also considering putting her on Antabuse to stop her alcohol abuse.)

Effie Supporting my children
  • replies: 1

My husband suffers from depression. Every now and then he will lose the plot and get very angry with (usually) a member of the immediate family - this takes its form in verbal abuse, threats to leave, shutting himself off from family, not speaking to... View more

My husband suffers from depression. Every now and then he will lose the plot and get very angry with (usually) a member of the immediate family - this takes its form in verbal abuse, threats to leave, shutting himself off from family, not speaking to us, sometimes going AWOL and extravagant personal spending. In some instances, the target has been one of our sons and my husband will verbally abuse him, ground him from 'everything' and have nothing to do with him for up to a week or so. My son (obviously) finds this very hurtful as he has a strong connection and bond with his dad (the rest of the time). Our other son is 3 years younger and he has been less impacted to date, but who knows about the future. My son is 16 and is reaching a point where possibly he is getting fed up with his father's behaviour and is looking to disconnect from his father. To what extent should I allow this or encourage him to maintain connected and bonded with his father.

jennyr My mother is experiencing extreme nausea
  • replies: 15

My mother has had depression and anxiety for the past year. With this she is experiencing extreme nausea. I would like to know of others who have also had nausea with their depression and anxiety and what steps they did to overcome this. At present m... View more

My mother has had depression and anxiety for the past year. With this she is experiencing extreme nausea. I would like to know of others who have also had nausea with their depression and anxiety and what steps they did to overcome this. At present my mother sits in her chair at home and has no light at the end of the tunnel. She is on depressant medication but it does not seem to help with this. I , her daughter, don't know what I can do to help or direct her in a direction that will provide some quality to her life and help her through this.

JenWren Smoking to destress
  • replies: 2

My husband has chronic depression and anxiety and two months ago his mother passed away - she was 92 years old. As I had expected my husband has not coped well with his mother's passing and his depression is currently overwhelming him. I have reduced... View more

My husband has chronic depression and anxiety and two months ago his mother passed away - she was 92 years old. As I had expected my husband has not coped well with his mother's passing and his depression is currently overwhelming him. I have reduced my work hours so that I can be home more to help him to get the jobs that he needs to do done. A couple of weeks ago I discovered that he had taken up smoking to help relax. I let him know that smoking is not something that I can condone in a house with three teenaged boys in it and asked that he stop. I know that he hasn't stopped and am not sure how to get passed this. I have recently realised that he takes more notice of what professionals eg doctors & councellors say to him. If they suggest something that I have already suggested he listens to them and not me. I am really concerned that he is doing something that is not good for his health in the name of relaxing. In the past he was drinking to relax and get to sleep until he had a liver test come back with bad results which forced him to reduce the drinking. I know that I have to be patient with him and I try really hard but find that some of this stuff makes me feel as though he doesn't care how any of this makes me feel and the effect on everyone in the house. I know that this is probably not true but this is how I feel. What do I do????