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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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embo Need help dealing with my daughters depression
  • replies: 7

Hi there first time on here. Really need some advice on how to deal with my 15 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with severe depression and has resorted to self harming. She is an extremely empathetic girl. All the girls at school go to my dau... View more

Hi there first time on here. Really need some advice on how to deal with my 15 year old daughter who has been diagnosed with severe depression and has resorted to self harming. She is an extremely empathetic girl. All the girls at school go to my daughter with their issues. She has just broken up with her boyfriend of 7 months because he had sucked everything out of her due to his own depression and anxiety issues. We are left with a very sad girl. We have been getting her regular counselling and even doing hypnotherapy recentely she has been really good my son just turned 18. The attention has been on him for the past couple of days versus her all the time. She sat at the dinner table last night and declared that she was disappointed with our lack of response to the card she wrote for him. She was looking for attention. She has always been a very dramatic child. So she turned on the tears. By the time we got home she was screaming and carrying on we got our friend around to calm her down (he is a policeman who deals with this stuff) he sat up there for two and a half hours to calm her down and talk to her. He has since advised us that she was basically being a brat. That there really wasnt anything wrong. That she was just making everything about herself when she went to bed she advised us that she was angry with us! I also need to mention that she has a little brother age 9 whom she is malicious towards who is very confused and heartbroken about what is going on in our home at the moment today we basically dragged her out of bed and to school. I have since had the school phone me to advise she is refusing to go into class so this is where I need help. I am a tough parent. Behaviour like that would normally be dealt with. Removal of priviledges etc however anything we implement pushes her into depression can someone please help me and tell me how I can handle her. I understand she is going through a difficult time. We have all been so supportive for her and truly dont know what else we can do to help but it is really starting to effect all of us thank you in advance

white knight EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL- likely extreme BPD?
  • replies: 7

Hi all, just a background. I have bipolar 2, dysthymia, anxiety and depression and ADHD when younger. My sister has depression. My mother undiagnosed as in denial for her 82 years has BPD (?). Her symptoms are so severe my sister and I dont have anym... View more

Hi all, just a background. I have bipolar 2, dysthymia, anxiety and depression and ADHD when younger. My sister has depression. My mother undiagnosed as in denial for her 82 years has BPD (?). Her symptoms are so severe my sister and I dont have anymore contact. The extreme behaviour our mother had all our lives was so bad that living without her contact was a real blessing. Sad as it sounds. No regrets. Her need for control was unworkable. Manipulation was rampant and expectations very high of us. She owned us until we snapped. What I want to raise is emotional blackmail that we had as children right up till I was 28yo. I'm interested in the effects of it on you if you experienced it. I say till 28yo because it was then that I called my mothers bluff. "If you go out with that girl again I'll pack my bags and go on a holiday and you can fend for yourself." she blurped. To which I replied "Do you want me to help you pack"? That was a big step for me...to call her bluff. Now that seems rather nasty but it was required as were the several other incidences that followed until it ceased. But these blackmailing episodes began as long as I can remember. Sadly it also involved my father "If you kids dont pick up your toys I'll tell your father when he came home" following which often we got belted by dad. Bless him, what a good man sent on wicked disciplining methods on her whim. I dont want to paint all BPD sufferers with an evil coating. I'm curious if EB is a trait in BPD sufferers or maybe this side of my mother wasnt associated at all with the illness.? We can blame parents for many things - some not justified some are. Some parents go off on their own tangent when parenting their children and dont observe nor listen to others how they parent their child. And some dont even read a book about parenting....as if it all comes so naturally. Hence some errors occur and its only when the child gets to a certain age they respond to stamp out the incorrect treatment of them. Again I hope I dont upset other sufferers. I am curious as to emotional blackmail and if you have experienced it and what you did about it.

Browneyedgirl82 Struggling to be 'the rock'
  • replies: 6

This is my first visit to beyond blue forums. I have visited the site many times looking for advice on how to help my sister who is coping with severe depression. She has been on this rollercoaster for several years. Lately there have been a series o... View more

This is my first visit to beyond blue forums. I have visited the site many times looking for advice on how to help my sister who is coping with severe depression. She has been on this rollercoaster for several years. Lately there have been a series of events that have made things worse than they have been in a long time for her. Lost her job, relationship breakdown, car accident, and physical injuries. Since losing her job she has moved back with me and I am finding it very hard to be supportive of her. I know this may sound very selfish, and that is not the way i intend it, it is just heartbreaking seeing someone you love going through this and not being able to help. Sometimes i think just being there for her would help but she shuts me out. Locks herself in her bedroom for days and doesn't speak to anyone, which makes things worse. She has been to a GP and been prescribed anti-depressants but only takes them sometimes. She speaks to me regularly about not wanting to be alove anymore which is the most concerning thing. Every day i go to work or come home and she is in her room with her door shut i wonder if she is breathing in there. I have spoken to our other family members about it and asked them to help support but they don't, and she says that i and her troublesome ex partner are the only ones she can confide in about it. I'm wondering if anyone out there can offer advice on additional support for the families or carers of those suffering mental illness. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Voice_Mail Struggling with Bipolar friend
  • replies: 2

Previously it was thought that my friend just had depression, however she was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We are both currently on exchange, and living as neighbours in one-person apartments. Friend has trouble maintaining relationships... View more

Previously it was thought that my friend just had depression, however she was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We are both currently on exchange, and living as neighbours in one-person apartments. Friend has trouble maintaining relationships, and at times I have been her only friend. However this has put a lot of pressure on me as I am an introvert, yet she is constantly ringing my doorbell, calling me or messaging me, wanting me to go out and do things every day. I suffer from chronic depression and this pressure has caused me a lot of stress and anxiety, with my psychologist suggesting that I try and set boundaries. Friend also has a drinking problem, despite everyone trying to stop her from drinking, and expresses very problematic behaviour when drunk. Recently she has come home drunk and rung my doorbell at 3-4 in the morning, three times, shouting at me and accusing me of things. I know that these are symptoms of her mental illness, and all of websites say not to take these episodes personally, but as a depression sufferer it's really hard. I feel like I am sacrificing my own health and wellbeing by trying to stick by my friend, and it is becoming a real struggle to deal with her. I feel like it would be best for my own health if I broke off ties with her, but at the same time feel guilty about that possibility because I know what it is like to struggle with mental illness. (She is currently talking with a psychiatrist twice a week, recently started on a new medication, and will be changing from her anti-depressants to a different medication next month. The psychiatrist is also considering putting her on Antabuse to stop her alcohol abuse.)

Effie Supporting my children
  • replies: 1

My husband suffers from depression. Every now and then he will lose the plot and get very angry with (usually) a member of the immediate family - this takes its form in verbal abuse, threats to leave, shutting himself off from family, not speaking to... View more

My husband suffers from depression. Every now and then he will lose the plot and get very angry with (usually) a member of the immediate family - this takes its form in verbal abuse, threats to leave, shutting himself off from family, not speaking to us, sometimes going AWOL and extravagant personal spending. In some instances, the target has been one of our sons and my husband will verbally abuse him, ground him from 'everything' and have nothing to do with him for up to a week or so. My son (obviously) finds this very hurtful as he has a strong connection and bond with his dad (the rest of the time). Our other son is 3 years younger and he has been less impacted to date, but who knows about the future. My son is 16 and is reaching a point where possibly he is getting fed up with his father's behaviour and is looking to disconnect from his father. To what extent should I allow this or encourage him to maintain connected and bonded with his father.

jennyr My mother is experiencing extreme nausea
  • replies: 15

My mother has had depression and anxiety for the past year. With this she is experiencing extreme nausea. I would like to know of others who have also had nausea with their depression and anxiety and what steps they did to overcome this. At present m... View more

My mother has had depression and anxiety for the past year. With this she is experiencing extreme nausea. I would like to know of others who have also had nausea with their depression and anxiety and what steps they did to overcome this. At present my mother sits in her chair at home and has no light at the end of the tunnel. She is on depressant medication but it does not seem to help with this. I , her daughter, don't know what I can do to help or direct her in a direction that will provide some quality to her life and help her through this.

JenWren Smoking to destress
  • replies: 2

My husband has chronic depression and anxiety and two months ago his mother passed away - she was 92 years old. As I had expected my husband has not coped well with his mother's passing and his depression is currently overwhelming him. I have reduced... View more

My husband has chronic depression and anxiety and two months ago his mother passed away - she was 92 years old. As I had expected my husband has not coped well with his mother's passing and his depression is currently overwhelming him. I have reduced my work hours so that I can be home more to help him to get the jobs that he needs to do done. A couple of weeks ago I discovered that he had taken up smoking to help relax. I let him know that smoking is not something that I can condone in a house with three teenaged boys in it and asked that he stop. I know that he hasn't stopped and am not sure how to get passed this. I have recently realised that he takes more notice of what professionals eg doctors & councellors say to him. If they suggest something that I have already suggested he listens to them and not me. I am really concerned that he is doing something that is not good for his health in the name of relaxing. In the past he was drinking to relax and get to sleep until he had a liver test come back with bad results which forced him to reduce the drinking. I know that I have to be patient with him and I try really hard but find that some of this stuff makes me feel as though he doesn't care how any of this makes me feel and the effect on everyone in the house. I know that this is probably not true but this is how I feel. What do I do????

Mainstay Anxious Family
  • replies: 3

Son says has symptoms of schizophrenia.He's intelligent; handsome; artistic; insomniac; risk taker; elite sportsman; ;impulsive;charming;witty;thirsty for knowledge;angry;verbally aggressive;loner.World class athlete, gained a lot of attention.Then c... View more

Son says has symptoms of schizophrenia.He's intelligent; handsome; artistic; insomniac; risk taker; elite sportsman; ;impulsive;charming;witty;thirsty for knowledge;angry;verbally aggressive;loner.World class athlete, gained a lot of attention.Then chronic fatigue glandular fever his world fell apart he changed.Now he has photography takes off at ridiculous times to climb Mountain 5100 feet sits on summit until dawn and captures it on camera.When buying, item must be the best even though he cannot afford.Credit card is always maxed out.He is a tradesman and won apprentice award every year.Told hes an artist and should be working on cathedrals.Fussy one day then next?Tells his dad he has terrible life,he wants to do better things not the life his dad has.Dad is methodical practical hard working provider.So admires him then disrespects. He reads book saying if he does what he loves and make a living from that and he won’t have to work another day in his life.My husband says not much and holds it in for the sake of peace at work. Our son and my husband were once close but now it’s like he wants to be the exact opposite of the man he admired. His first marriage failed.He has two daughters & is now in another relationship.He is aware that he has made so many mistakes in his life, not only with relationships, but with impulsive spending.As a little boy, you would never have known such an easier child to raise.He was so obedient, obliging & affectionate.Now he lashes out at his father and I.Dad is a gentle soul and does not really stand up to him, but he is easily hurt by the outbursts our son makes but for the sake of peace, we all walk on egg shells.Daughter is fed up with his behaviour.Our daughter does not look forward to these occasions as a family just in case he should explode.Two Christmases, he lost it and stormed out-the next day he comes back as though nothing had happened.Inability to say sorry.He sees me as the one to pay out on.I am always left feeling that he does not love me and am never good enough.His daughters are 6 and 7 see his behaviour sometimes and just look at us for support.We do not know what to say.We change the subject and make the atmosphere loving for them.We get along really well with our ex daughter-in-law and although our son sees the sense in this, at times, he also resents it and is always trying to find ways of showing her up.Then the next time he is singing her praises.He Loves his new inlaws they awesome for now in his mind.

Indescribable URGENT: NEED HELP. LONG DISTANCE BOYFRIEND HAS SHUT ME OUT. AFFECTING ME NOW. BEEN DIAGNOSED
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend of 2 months who has recently moved away told me he had depression. Ive been coping ok with it until now. There was communication between us, not fluid but it was there. Now in the last week he hasnt spoken to me at all. Ive messaged him ... View more

My boyfriend of 2 months who has recently moved away told me he had depression. Ive been coping ok with it until now. There was communication between us, not fluid but it was there. Now in the last week he hasnt spoken to me at all. Ive messaged him to see if he has been ok. No response. Ive facebooked him and hes been online but hasnt responded to anything that ive sent. He lives in another state. I dont know how to cope or if something has gone wrong or if he merely doesnt want to be with me anymore. I dont know how to handle this situation anymore. He has completely shut me out. I recently went to the doctors because Ive got alot going on in my life at the moment and have recently been diagnosed with depression. I have been seeing a psychologist and the 2 sessions have helped. But now im at a stand still with what to do with my boyfriend. Do people with depression go into episodes like this. If hes still on facebook can it be affecting him this much? What do I do? Does he want to be with me anymore? He hasnt given me any indication about if he still cares about me and hes ignoring and completely shutting me out so it seems clear he does not. I dont know what to believe anymore and I feel im burdening all my friends with these questions and dragging them down with me. Please help!!!!!!!! Am I to wait? Im utterly confused and I feel like im going to have a panic attack.

Brady Long Distance Girlfriend Has Depression--Am I Helping and What are We In For?
  • replies: 5

So my girlfriend lives 7 1/2 hours away and had a history of depression, although she rarely showed it, so I thought the worst was behind us. Recently, she had a "depression attack" after loosing both her job and financial aide from the college she's... View more

So my girlfriend lives 7 1/2 hours away and had a history of depression, although she rarely showed it, so I thought the worst was behind us. Recently, she had a "depression attack" after loosing both her job and financial aide from the college she's studying at. She moved back in with her parents and has decided to take off a semester of school and wait to find a job until she had started fighting off this chemical imbalance she's been struggling with since she was 14. I told her I would be with her, if she would allow me, every step of the way, providing whatever support I can from such a long distance. She believes she has Atypical Depression based on her research, although she'll be visiting the doctor in a couple days to be sure. In the meantime, we talk almost daily, usually via text. Most of the time, we joke about things and good around, which at times worries me that she just kind of buries it. Occasionally we will get on the subject of her depression, where I'll try to be as encouraging and positive as possible, saying stuff like "I'm really impressed with how you're handling this" or "that's one more problem taken care of!" etc. She's also a big Doctor Who fan, so I've taken up watching the show (kinda painful) so I can have a subject to bring up that seems to get her mind off of her current state of being. Everything seems like it's fine for now, but based on stories I've read, though, I'm really afraid it could all come crashing down after a while. 1) Is my approach of trying to distract her from her stress the right way to help? I usually let her steer the conversation, so I listen when she's down, but I try to keep it upbeat. 2) Assuming she does have Atypical Depression, and she's actually very determined to treat it as much as possible, even making a daily list of activities to do to fight it off and not worrying herself about a job or school until she thinks she's ready, would anyone know an approximate amount of time it might take to see substantial improvement?