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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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ndhlp help my sister
  • replies: 3

My sister was diagnosed with depression about 3 months ago. She has had ECT treatment along with taking medication. She was good for a month, and then she was down again. Not sure if this is the result of changing medication (her doctor reduced the a... View more

My sister was diagnosed with depression about 3 months ago. She has had ECT treatment along with taking medication. She was good for a month, and then she was down again. Not sure if this is the result of changing medication (her doctor reduced the amount of her medication she was taking). Doctor has increased her medication, but she is still down, show little interests to everything, doesn't like talk much... It is painful seeing her suffering. But I don't know what I can do. I assume doctor knows the best, she visits her doctor every 2-3 weeks. Can you please advise what I can do to support/help her? She doesn't seem interested in talking.

Shar My husband needs help but no one will help.
  • replies: 2

Hi my name is Shar, My husband has been depressed and anxious for years. 4 weeks ago he assaulted my children and myself, took most of our money and left. All the protection and legalities are in place BUT... Everyone tells me I just have to let him ... View more

Hi my name is Shar, My husband has been depressed and anxious for years. 4 weeks ago he assaulted my children and myself, took most of our money and left. All the protection and legalities are in place BUT... Everyone tells me I just have to let him go and it's up to him not. I've been told he needs to hit rock bottom, realise what he's lost etc... Alas I have two children with him and he has three from his earlier marriage, plus a grandchild on the way. They are all hurting. I have lost my mate. Is this the only option available in our society now. That we just have to sit and wait? Shar

Queenie Separated from depressed husband.
  • replies: 5

My husband and I seperated 4 months ago. He suffers from severe chronic depression and we were both so miserable and he was not acting like a loving, loyal husband. I wasn't acting like a loving wife either and was completely shattered. We have been ... View more

My husband and I seperated 4 months ago. He suffers from severe chronic depression and we were both so miserable and he was not acting like a loving, loyal husband. I wasn't acting like a loving wife either and was completely shattered. We have been working on our marriage, getting counselling and he is getting support and help for his depression. I am so frustrated though because it feels like everytime we get somewhere and things improve for us, he does something to jeopordise or stop the progress. Our relationship is so much better, I am stronger and more secure in myself, as I am getting help also, and a lot of the issues that were holding us apart have been sorted. Our communication is so much more open and honest. We have reestablished our relationship boundaries. We were talking about the future and how we would be selling our house and downsizing with the expectation that we would live together. Now I have a text (yes a TEXT) from him telling me that he is in a bad way and doesn't want to live with me because he is dragging me into his chaos. I understand that he had a bad day - but do I take this text at face value and accept that he doesn't want to live with me or do I be understanding that he may not actually feel this way? I don't think this is fair and even though I cried my eyes out when I first read it now I am angry. I am angry that his depression seems to call the shots in our marriage and is making decisions for us. I would be really interested in hearing what advice anyone has.

Indescribable Trying to be strong...
  • replies: 4

My boyfriend and I have been going out for around 2 months now and known each other for six months. A lot has happened in his life over the course of us dating.He has had to move interstate due to family reasons for what he says will only be 6-8 mont... View more

My boyfriend and I have been going out for around 2 months now and known each other for six months. A lot has happened in his life over the course of us dating.He has had to move interstate due to family reasons for what he says will only be 6-8 months, he has been trying to sell his car, and his grand mother had a stroke, all of which has been awfully stressful for him. He had told me he had depression after a month of seeing each other as he wasn't behaving like his usual self and was shutting me out a lot which caused me to raise a few questions.He says sometimes he just shuts everyone out, including myself. He's letting me in bit by bit which is a big step on his part and I am very grateful that he trusts me enough to share that part of his life with me. He is a very closed off person which is completely different to me who is like an open book.I have spoken to him about the future of our relationship and he says he sees me as a long term serious girlfriend and has recently told his mother about me but his actions speak otherwise. Although he will be back every 4-6 weeks as he didn't want to move away I can feel the relationship slipping away due to his lack of communication with me.He has been gone for around 3 days now and I am feeling anxious that we will eventually break up because his depression will take its toll and I will be shut out completely. This is new territory for me, and I don't know how to deal with his lack of communication which I have addressed with him already, though understand that because of his condition he may not be able to.I love him very deeply and want to help him, but I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts of getting my mindset to understand that he is not communicating because he doesn't want to its because he says he can't. But this is really taking its toll on me especially in a long distance relationship where you can't see each other all the time.How can I be strong for him and expect the best out of the relationship without jeopardising my happiness as well? I find I am wondering why he isn't texting or calling me, and sometimes (I know this may sound bad) but he may be using his depression as an excuse when he doesn't want to talk to me.I feel confused, upset, disappointed, hurt, angry even though I know he can't help it at times. I just need some guidance on how to deal with this in a constructive way.I don't give up on people, hes not an exception. I know I need to be patient but lately I am overwhelmed.

alexandra92 Could really use some help, pretty sure im making it worse and i dont want to throw away 4 and a half years..
  • replies: 2

Hi I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years, we have had a really up and down relationship and at the moment things couldn't get much worse. Long story short, 6 months after we started seeing each other I had a relapse with my depression ... View more

Hi I have been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years, we have had a really up and down relationship and at the moment things couldn't get much worse. Long story short, 6 months after we started seeing each other I had a relapse with my depression after several very stressful situations both outside and inside my relationship, I then began drinking heavily and went into rehab. It has been 2 years last month since I have gotten my life back on track. While in my depression and also after, we lied to each other, hurt each other (not physically), and lets just say a whole lot of stuff went on and most of it was bad. Since my recovery my partner has fallen to pieces, he started smoking pot, drinking and quit many jobs. I recognised a long time ago that he needed help and I tried to get him to agree to speak to someone about it but he refused. Things got so bad that we were fighting daily and even split up on more than one occasion. We decided to try again after a few months apart in November of last year. things were going pretty great, we barely fought and things seemed back to normal but then in February he lost his job and it all came flooding back. He didn't work for months and he just got worse, we fought all the time again and it killed me to see him turn into this mean, insensitive, spiteful and vindictive man when I know that's not him. I thought things couldn't get worse but then he started avoiding me and he finally told me he needed some time to work on himself. I cried and agreed to give him some space. he then spent every day and night with me for nearly 2 weeks and I was so confused. He started a new job 2 weeks ago and ive never seen him so miserable, other than a 3 hour argument I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. Ive hit the end of my rope, I promised myself that because I had been where he was that I wouldn't yell at him or criticise him or tell him what to do but this past month I have just snapped and I cant take him being so mean and hurtful to me that I have been giving it straight back to him. This is killing me. At the same time im trying to figure out what he wants from me and how I can be there for him and he proceeds to tell me that one day he wants to see me and he cares about me and the next he wants nothing to do with me. Do I give up and walk away? or do I stay and try and support him the best way I can? How do you be nice and supportive to someone who is so mean and hurtful to you? Thanks for any advice Alex

Tiliqua Too concerned for a friend?
  • replies: 4

For the past week I've been concerned with a friend from work. Some things she has said to me indicates that she isn't happy in her marriage and she has appeared emotional. So last Friday a group from work went out for drinks and it went on late into... View more

For the past week I've been concerned with a friend from work. Some things she has said to me indicates that she isn't happy in her marriage and she has appeared emotional. So last Friday a group from work went out for drinks and it went on late into the night. I told her that I would make sure she got home safe. Again we spoke a bit about her situation and she spoke with others. But when I said something to her (admittedly, I can't recall exactly what it was!) she again appeared emotional. At the end of the night she was with someone else and I didn't see her again. I spoke to her on the phone and she said she was okay, but I just didn't know for certain and said I'd call her in the morning. The not knowing caused me to stress, to the point that I couldn't sleep. The next day I sent her a txt message at the time she said to give her a call. A couple of hours later, I sent another message letting her know I was available to talk if she wanted. A couple of hours later I got a message from her letting me know she was ok and everything was fine and that I was stessing about nothing. A short phone call later and I relaxed a bit. I happened to be out with some other people who saw my stress and I spoke to them about it. After getting the call one of them said the problem was that I was 'too much of a gentleman' (first time to be called that!, and could be called worse things!). So my point of posting is: Was I wrong? Did I go too far? Should I really be worried?

caitlinsarah feeling confused: partner is depressed and so am i
  • replies: 1

My partner has suffered from depression and anxiety for the past 4 years and in the last few months I'm struggling to cope. He goes through periods of not showering or leaving the house for days. I know its not his fault but I find it frustrating whe... View more

My partner has suffered from depression and anxiety for the past 4 years and in the last few months I'm struggling to cope. He goes through periods of not showering or leaving the house for days. I know its not his fault but I find it frustrating when I work and he doesn't yet I still have to do everything around the house. He also has anger problems and is recently finding everything I do frustrating and annoying. I try everything to help but nothing does. I try anything to increase his confidence or do anything that I can think of to make him happy but its always short lived. I am finding it more and more difficult to be happy in this relationship. I feel upset and down all the time and am worried that I may be suffering from depression too. I have read that family members suffering from depression can increase your chances of having depression and am scared this is happening to me. I have lost all motivation for uni and work I sleep at least 14 hours a day and feel like everyday is a struggle and what is the point in trying anymore. We have stopped having sex because I just don't feel like it anymore and my confidence has significantly decreased. I never go and see my friends or family. I don't know what to do I love him but how it is at the moment isn't working. Any advice?

Jnomad Boyfriend of Depression Sufferer - Need Advice!
  • replies: 1

Hi there,My Girlfriend and I met in the uk whilst I was on a working holiday Visa. From the first date she was clear and upfront with me about her suffering from depression which she had been diagnosed with just a few months prior to us meeting. But ... View more

Hi there,My Girlfriend and I met in the uk whilst I was on a working holiday Visa. From the first date she was clear and upfront with me about her suffering from depression which she had been diagnosed with just a few months prior to us meeting. But right from the start I was smitten with her and we've been together for 8 months now. I've fallen head over heals for her and as far as I know she has for me too. Her depression stemmed from lack of support from peers during her probationary year as a teacher. She has lost all self confidence in what she does, and avoids almost all social interaction with people that she doesn't already know, i.e if I go to the pub with my friends, she'll try almost any excuse to avoid coming. Also she is always fatigued and sleeps in my opinion way too much. She is currently taking medication, and the main side affects I see are fatigue, unfulfilling sleep, and complete loss of sex drive. The lack of sex is not an issue for me because I know its not forever, but I know she's worried that it may not return. I am now unable to live in the UK full time with her as my visa has expired, the plan is to return on an irish permit, work in Ireland and go back and forth to see her as much as I'm allowed by the uk, i.e 6months in a 12 month period on a tourist visa. My concern is going to be obviously the long distance, and I now that is a concern for her as well. She has gotten to rely on me being there when things get tough and she's told me that even on the tough days at work she knows she has me to come home to which makes her feel better. I'm trying to only be away in Ireland for max 2 weeks between visits to her, with the occasional 2 or 3 weekly stay with her. I know this next 12 months will be tough, and that hopefully by then we'll still be strong together, and we'll have decided to move somewhere together. Just worried that if shes having a low day whilst I'm not there. I don't think she'd contemplate hurting herself but it still scares me that she'll take a backward step in her progress to get better. Just need some advice mainly that I'm doing the right thing at this stage and Is there more I should be helping her to do. At the moment she's relying on medication alone, she's tried mindfulness courses and CBT but she just says they're a waste of time. Not sure what else I can do, and how I get her motivated to get more help?? Sorry about the length of the thread!

vegemite Privacy vs support
  • replies: 3

Hello, My partner of 8 months recently ended our relationship due to her severe depression. I am the only person in her life who is aware of the extent to which she is struggling (apart from her therapist), and thus I am wondering whether it would be... View more

Hello, My partner of 8 months recently ended our relationship due to her severe depression. I am the only person in her life who is aware of the extent to which she is struggling (apart from her therapist), and thus I am wondering whether it would be a good idea to contact her sister to describe what has been going on. I am worried that in ending our relationship she has lost her one support person, and although I know that she would prefer to keep her depression private I also feel that perhaps it is my responsibility to ensure that someone in her life is able to monitor and take care of her. She only sees her therapist once a week and does not seem really committed to it. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks

saz Trying to understand depression
  • replies: 1

I have been going out with a guy for about 8 months now who has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He has been suffering from it for many years and is on medication that he takes daily. His illness is so bad that he is unable to work. I real... View more

I have been going out with a guy for about 8 months now who has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He has been suffering from it for many years and is on medication that he takes daily. His illness is so bad that he is unable to work. I really like him but i am struggling to deal with his mood swings. Sometimes when i see him he is this amazing, warm, passionate guy who makes me feel so loved and wanted. Other times, he will be like ice, i can't read him, he makes me feel like i'm getting in the way and he will hardly acknowledge me. I have tried talking to him about it but he just says it's not a reflection of how he feels about me, it's just part of his depression. Lately, he has been in these cold icy moods more often and it's been a few weeks now since i've seen him in one of his warmer moods. I never know what to expect when I see him, but am always really disappointed when i am greeted by his coldness. Do these sound like symptoms of his depression? When he is in these moods i lose my confidence around him, I feel like he doesn't want me there and then it becomes awkward between us because i don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on him and i'm hoping that if i can find a way to understand him better, i might be able to cope with these moods a little more easily.. To anyone who suffers depression/anxiety, or is in a relationship with someone who suffers - any advice?