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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Kate_R I want to help him but I don't know what else to do
  • replies: 2

So I was with my ex for almost 7 years. Earlier this year, we decided to break it off after realising that we were growing apart as we were growing up and finishing our studies. We decided to remain friends as we still wanted to be in each others liv... View more

So I was with my ex for almost 7 years. Earlier this year, we decided to break it off after realising that we were growing apart as we were growing up and finishing our studies. We decided to remain friends as we still wanted to be in each others lives. Over the past six months, my ex's depression and anxiety is becoming close to severe. He has become agitated and doing things that he knows will upset me. He very rarely loses his temper or snaps at me but it is becoming more apparent in the last few months. We fight every time we see each other and were both unhappy. I don't know what else I can do but Im being pushed to the edge and I'm on the verge of leaving this friendship. But if I do, Ill be leaving him alone with his depression. I'm not sure if I'm the reason in the first place and if leaving will help or if things will become worse. He does see a professional, who said his anxiety could be caused by the change in his life of us not being together. I want to help, but he isn't the same person anymore and I don't know if I can stay around anymore. I feel horrible for that but I have tried to be supportive and maybe my leaving will be the shock he needs to get better. So, should I stay or do I go?

pinkcordial Branching out to meet people
  • replies: 6

How does one with depression make new contacts in the community? Meaningful contacts with the view to becoming good friends? I need to know how to help my mum who has been depressed for most of my life (maybe even since before I was born). I am 39 on... View more

How does one with depression make new contacts in the community? Meaningful contacts with the view to becoming good friends? I need to know how to help my mum who has been depressed for most of my life (maybe even since before I was born). I am 39 on my next birthday. She is very reluctant to go out and do anything about meeting new people but really doesn't like being alone and isolated. I imagine there's got to be ways to meet new people at her age. Courses? Support groups? But where do you find them?

skybellexena I want to be there
  • replies: 1

Whilst I only met him a couple of months ago, the man I have been dating is the first person I have dated who I really genuinely like, who makes me really happy and we make an amazing couple. We challenge each other intellectually and creatively, we ... View more

Whilst I only met him a couple of months ago, the man I have been dating is the first person I have dated who I really genuinely like, who makes me really happy and we make an amazing couple. We challenge each other intellectually and creatively, we always have amazing fun adventures and we get along with each others friends. Last week after a stressful and emotional week at work he broke things off with me very suddenly. He admitted to me he had been struggling on and off with depression for the past 10 years and he had been having a depressive episode and can't be in a relationship right now. I completely understand and agree with him that he should focus on his health and shouldn't be in a relationship until he is ready and have been really understanding. Having had my own struggles with anxiety and depression over the years I now feel strong and stable to help him with his struggles. However he feels the only option is to completely cut me out of his life and I don't know how to help him or explain to him how I feel without making him feel pressured to include me in his life when he isn't ready. I don't want to give up on him or be cut out of his life, but I want him to be happy and healthy. I don't know how to be there for someone who wants me in their life but can't have me in their life because of their depression. I don't know how to discuss this with him without bringing up my own wants and needs which is selfish of me. But I can't help but feel disregarding my own feelings is not the answer in this situation either. If I had been apart of his life for longer than two months I might have more grounds to stay. But because I have only known him for such a short period of time I feel like trying to be there for him is selfish of me. I really don't know what to do or who to ask.

Wife24 in sickness and in health. I do
  • replies: 17

"In sickness and in health" I have been married for a little over a year to a wonderful man. By some standards these days I got married young, at 22. My husband has always worn his heart on his sleeve. When he asked me to be his wife I forgot to say ... View more

"In sickness and in health" I have been married for a little over a year to a wonderful man. By some standards these days I got married young, at 22. My husband has always worn his heart on his sleeve. When he asked me to be his wife I forgot to say yes and he never let me live it down!! Haha we had started the most exciting time of our lives. Looking back there were many warning signs that had we known what we were looking at, we may have been able to work with. I noticed a change when we were in our honeymoon. Although I was shown love and felt love something seemed off. A few months later we were told the words "you have depression". I don't think I fully understood those words for a few more months and even now I dont understand completely. My husband, my best friend, has depression. Quite often I blame myself because I can't fix it. I am starting to realise that and it hurts. It hurts so much to watch and not be able to take it away. We are getting the help and support we need and have such a loving support team. But in the mean time I struggle to keep going at times and be the strong one I never thought I'd have to or could be. We had several friends get married around the same time as us and often I look on bitterly and wonder why it seems so much harder for us? Why I end up on my own because he is having a hard day? Why it is hard to smile sometimes. I forget that everyone has their own trials and that being bitter only divides people and pushing them away. One thing this has shown me is the love I have for my husband and the undying love he has for me. Everyday he struggles and yet he keeps going. Sometimes he can't look at me and sometimes he can smile and give me a big hug. Whether it is a great day or a hard one I feel safe and secure in his arms. He can fix so much with those arms and he words "I love you. Everything is going to be fine". We are so close to being able to move forward and onwards in our life. Im so scared. Im so scared ill fail him and that I wont be able to cope. If I could say one thing to my wonderful man it would be this: I love you more than anything in this world. You complete my life. Keep fighting xx

oz_robbo Advice on being there for a friend with PTSD
  • replies: 3

I have a work colleague who has become a very close, dear and important friend to me in a very short space of time. She suffers from PTSD, I want to be the best friend I can be for her. I listen, don't judge, and as best as a Male can, I try not to o... View more

I have a work colleague who has become a very close, dear and important friend to me in a very short space of time. She suffers from PTSD, I want to be the best friend I can be for her. I listen, don't judge, and as best as a Male can, I try not to offer solutions to try and fix everything. Any other advice would be appreciated. This girl means a lot to me. I just want to be there for her.

Big_Sister Looking for some advice for family members
  • replies: 5

Hi, My little (grown up) brother has been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. He has had to quit his job and he has moved back in with my mum and dad. As a family we are trying to do everything we can for him - but sometimes it's hard to kno... View more

Hi, My little (grown up) brother has been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. He has had to quit his job and he has moved back in with my mum and dad. As a family we are trying to do everything we can for him - but sometimes it's hard to know if we should be doing anything more or differently. He was worried about finances, so mum and dad have agreed to manage that for him and he's happy that they are taking care of that. He's enrolled in a new uni course to try and change careers into something more suitable - although he's getting very far behind in his subjects. He is on medication and has been seeing a psychologist although he's missed his last couple of appointments. Recently we have discovered that he's been using herbal incense, which we are very worried about. But we haven't asked him about this and he doesn't know that we know. Obviously he is an adult and allowed to make his own choices. Should we talk to him about this, or just let it be? He knows we're all here to help him but we don't talk to him much about anxiety or whether or not there's anything we can do to help as he doesn't like to talk about it. If anyone has any advice for us, we'd appreciate it. Thanks.

Snickers Desperately Seeking Answers!
  • replies: 5

5 weeks ago my husband of 32 years attempted suicde.There is no doubt as to the reason why he got to that stage he was working excessively long hours in a high pressure role which included after hours emergency duty in his own business that saw him o... View more

5 weeks ago my husband of 32 years attempted suicde.There is no doubt as to the reason why he got to that stage he was working excessively long hours in a high pressure role which included after hours emergency duty in his own business that saw him on duty constantly for over a month.He had had difficulties with sleeping for quite some time which added to his exhaustion. There is no family history of depression & in the few weeks leading up to his overdose we thought he was looking exhausted but were not aware of any feelings of depression – although he was getting anxious about being able to cope with the work load.After 3 days in Emergency & 2 days in a mental health unit he was discharged with mild depression & given a prescription for one the most common antidepressants at a low dose which we were told would make him feel much better in 2 weeks & really good in approximately 4 weeks.He was also given a prescription for another drug to help him with his sleep. Sounded simple – we started planning a getaway for him to de stress, relax & recover.Five days after starting the medication he started having anxiety attacks & a sudden thought of suicide. He was hospitalised to keep him safe & to help him re-establish a normal sleep pattern. Medications were increased. After a few days he was released but he then started having very frightening anxiety attacks during which all logical thinking disappeared his worry that sparked the attack was illogical. He was hospitalised again.The medications were changed slightly & increased yet again.He was put on a waiting list to go into a private mental health unit. After 4 days he was transferred.Since being in the unit his medications have been increased & changed & he has gone downhill to the stage where he seems to have lost most of his cognitive functioning (unable to complete simple tasks). He has now been classed as having deep depression! They are now recommending electroconvulsive therapy as the drugs do not seem to be having any effect.Can anyone out there tell me if they have had a similar experience? It is possible this downward spiral is due to medications??? Or is this something that commonly happens with mental illness??? Desperately trying to come to terms with what is happening to the intelligent gentle loving husband I used to have! I feel so helpless watching him go through what appears to be torture for him!

syvio Depressed husband suddenly happy again
  • replies: 5

I have been married for nearly 15 years and most of this time my husband has suffered with depression to varying degrees. He has had medication on a few occasions but never any further treatment. This week he has announced that he suddenly feels bett... View more

I have been married for nearly 15 years and most of this time my husband has suffered with depression to varying degrees. He has had medication on a few occasions but never any further treatment. This week he has announced that he suddenly feels better - like a weight has been lifted. He says he hasn't felt this good since he was a child. He only now realises that when I had said to him before that he wasn't happy in himself that I was right. He now feels happy and content - and I'm nervous! Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted that he's feeling so good but is this normal? Should I be concerned about this sudden change in mood and attitude? After years of distance and lack of connection or good communication, he says he feels like we're dating again. He also says his sleeping pattern has changed from where he could never remember dreams to having vivid dreams that he remembers in detail. I would really appreciate an opinion as to others experience of coming out of depression and if I should be concerned or just happy! Thanks

BW75 Advice on depression - first steps
  • replies: 6

My husband is displaying characteristics of being depressed or anxious and at work is predominately where these behaviours are displayed. Feeling really emotional, upset belly, lack of concentration, self esteem and motivation. Last week he took a we... View more

My husband is displaying characteristics of being depressed or anxious and at work is predominately where these behaviours are displayed. Feeling really emotional, upset belly, lack of concentration, self esteem and motivation. Last week he took a week off work to just 'unwind' and see if that could re-set the system. By day 3 back at work this week, it all feels the same again. It's not a long term solution but to kick start improvement is it best he just stops working for the moment??? He has got a referral to our counsellor and will begin these sessions next week but I cant imagine the despair in coming to work feeling like this each day. Or is it a cop out?

jordie33 partner with bipolar
  • replies: 1

Hi all, My partner has bipolar disorder we have been together for just over 2 years now and in recent times she has spoken about trading me in for a younger model ( in jest) but I often have feelings that she is doing stuff behind my back she has bee... View more

Hi all, My partner has bipolar disorder we have been together for just over 2 years now and in recent times she has spoken about trading me in for a younger model ( in jest) but I often have feelings that she is doing stuff behind my back she has been medicated for bipolar but hasn't been on them for a little while. I always ask if I'm doing enough to look after her both day today and also during the intimate times. If I'm having thoughts that maybe she is doing things behind my back how do I approach the subject with her.