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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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CCP5 Lost
  • replies: 2

Hello All, I hope that some of you can help me out with advice. I have been in the most amazing relationship until just recently. My partner suffers from depression, panic attacks and OCD. He explained to me early on in the relationship he had OCD an... View more

Hello All, I hope that some of you can help me out with advice. I have been in the most amazing relationship until just recently. My partner suffers from depression, panic attacks and OCD. He explained to me early on in the relationship he had OCD and was on meds however his family and friends don't know about it. I researched OCD like nothing else just so I could try to understand what he was going through, as time went on he started to relax and the hand washing, door checking etc started to get less and less along with the strength of meds. Until something triggered him and he went down in a heap about 8 weeks ago, that was the day he wanted to end our relationship. I was in complete shock as anyone would be as it came out of nowhere. I reassured him I wasn't giving up on him or our relationship and I would give him space. I did that, it hurt like nothing else to watch a loved one go through what he was going through. We started seeing each other for dinners or walks a couple of times a week. That was until a couple of days ago he told me he felt nothing and couldn't do a relationship. He promised me that it wasn't me but he just couldn't do it anymore. My question to you all is, do I sit back and wait until he contacts me or do I call him in a couple of days just to see how he is? I love him like nothing else in the world and its heart breaking to watch him go through this as none of his family or friends knows what he is going through. The only people that know are his therapist and me.

hannaxo Living with depression and a parent with BiPolar
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, My father has been living with manic depression since I can remember. He attempted to take his own life during my childhood but I was never exposed to these events, as he would go "away for work". It has recently been discovered that my ... View more

Hi everyone, My father has been living with manic depression since I can remember. He attempted to take his own life during my childhood but I was never exposed to these events, as he would go "away for work". It has recently been discovered that my dad was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder many years ago however stopped taking any forms of medication a few years ago during the happy times of his second marriage. A few weeks ago, whilst going through his second divorce (the first to my mother when i was 8), my dad attempted suicide. It was a planned attempt which resulted in hospitalisation and after being released, daily visits from the cat team (who have been amazing). I have been dealing with personal depression for over 5 years (I am now 25) and have been seeking professional help on and off. This is unknown to my father, as I never wanted to burden him with my problems. Due to his divorce, he has been living with me for the last few weeks. It has been the hardest few weeks of my life. Waking up not knowing what he will be feeling that day, listening to his threats of suicide and his unstable emotions have been too much for me to handle. I have recently approached him explaining how I am not coping very well and that we will need to find him other accommodation. I know this is very selfish of me, but I have been getting very scary thoughts that I havent had for years come back to me, as well as an ongoing stomach sickness, headache and absolute lack of sleep or any concentration. Does anyone who has a parent with bi polar or depression have any advice? I have been trying to put a brave face on for him, but I can feel myself cracking very shortly. thank you for listening to my story, I feel very alone at the moment and it's very calming to type on here

BMCCJB9013 New to this
  • replies: 5

I have just recently joined beyond blue as I feel my family and friends can't really relate to me. My boyfriend of 6 years, has struggled on and off with depression through out our relationship-- although he has never admitted to this, sought help or... View more

I have just recently joined beyond blue as I feel my family and friends can't really relate to me. My boyfriend of 6 years, has struggled on and off with depression through out our relationship-- although he has never admitted to this, sought help or taken any medication (despite my pleas with him to try) We have recently has a baby girl- which is hard enough on it's own and we moved back home with his dad, who also struggles with depression and drinking. It's very hard everyday as I feel like I try to care for my baby, my partner and can't find the time or patience with my father In law. My boyfriend went out on the weekend (I have known he has not been I a great place) and as usual when he is feeling low, can't seem to stop drinking, however this time he added drugs to the mix and ended up, betraying my trust. We have Spoken since the incident and he has finally acknowledged he isn't the person he wants to be and he is not sure what happens when he does these things, he just feels low and thinks drinking etc will make him feel better (which I'm Sure it does for the night) I feel like I'm Stuck between a rock and a hard place and torn as to what I should do. On the one hand I want to support him and ensure he gets the help he needs but on the other hand it is always me who suffers and has to get hurt as result of him not dealing with his issues. I know I love him and I'll do anything to help Him with his inner demons but I just was wondering how people think I should go about being there for him. Thank you

Kate_R I want to help him but I don't know what else to do
  • replies: 2

So I was with my ex for almost 7 years. Earlier this year, we decided to break it off after realising that we were growing apart as we were growing up and finishing our studies. We decided to remain friends as we still wanted to be in each others liv... View more

So I was with my ex for almost 7 years. Earlier this year, we decided to break it off after realising that we were growing apart as we were growing up and finishing our studies. We decided to remain friends as we still wanted to be in each others lives. Over the past six months, my ex's depression and anxiety is becoming close to severe. He has become agitated and doing things that he knows will upset me. He very rarely loses his temper or snaps at me but it is becoming more apparent in the last few months. We fight every time we see each other and were both unhappy. I don't know what else I can do but Im being pushed to the edge and I'm on the verge of leaving this friendship. But if I do, Ill be leaving him alone with his depression. I'm not sure if I'm the reason in the first place and if leaving will help or if things will become worse. He does see a professional, who said his anxiety could be caused by the change in his life of us not being together. I want to help, but he isn't the same person anymore and I don't know if I can stay around anymore. I feel horrible for that but I have tried to be supportive and maybe my leaving will be the shock he needs to get better. So, should I stay or do I go?

pinkcordial Branching out to meet people
  • replies: 6

How does one with depression make new contacts in the community? Meaningful contacts with the view to becoming good friends? I need to know how to help my mum who has been depressed for most of my life (maybe even since before I was born). I am 39 on... View more

How does one with depression make new contacts in the community? Meaningful contacts with the view to becoming good friends? I need to know how to help my mum who has been depressed for most of my life (maybe even since before I was born). I am 39 on my next birthday. She is very reluctant to go out and do anything about meeting new people but really doesn't like being alone and isolated. I imagine there's got to be ways to meet new people at her age. Courses? Support groups? But where do you find them?

skybellexena I want to be there
  • replies: 1

Whilst I only met him a couple of months ago, the man I have been dating is the first person I have dated who I really genuinely like, who makes me really happy and we make an amazing couple. We challenge each other intellectually and creatively, we ... View more

Whilst I only met him a couple of months ago, the man I have been dating is the first person I have dated who I really genuinely like, who makes me really happy and we make an amazing couple. We challenge each other intellectually and creatively, we always have amazing fun adventures and we get along with each others friends. Last week after a stressful and emotional week at work he broke things off with me very suddenly. He admitted to me he had been struggling on and off with depression for the past 10 years and he had been having a depressive episode and can't be in a relationship right now. I completely understand and agree with him that he should focus on his health and shouldn't be in a relationship until he is ready and have been really understanding. Having had my own struggles with anxiety and depression over the years I now feel strong and stable to help him with his struggles. However he feels the only option is to completely cut me out of his life and I don't know how to help him or explain to him how I feel without making him feel pressured to include me in his life when he isn't ready. I don't want to give up on him or be cut out of his life, but I want him to be happy and healthy. I don't know how to be there for someone who wants me in their life but can't have me in their life because of their depression. I don't know how to discuss this with him without bringing up my own wants and needs which is selfish of me. But I can't help but feel disregarding my own feelings is not the answer in this situation either. If I had been apart of his life for longer than two months I might have more grounds to stay. But because I have only known him for such a short period of time I feel like trying to be there for him is selfish of me. I really don't know what to do or who to ask.

Wife24 in sickness and in health. I do
  • replies: 17

"In sickness and in health" I have been married for a little over a year to a wonderful man. By some standards these days I got married young, at 22. My husband has always worn his heart on his sleeve. When he asked me to be his wife I forgot to say ... View more

"In sickness and in health" I have been married for a little over a year to a wonderful man. By some standards these days I got married young, at 22. My husband has always worn his heart on his sleeve. When he asked me to be his wife I forgot to say yes and he never let me live it down!! Haha we had started the most exciting time of our lives. Looking back there were many warning signs that had we known what we were looking at, we may have been able to work with. I noticed a change when we were in our honeymoon. Although I was shown love and felt love something seemed off. A few months later we were told the words "you have depression". I don't think I fully understood those words for a few more months and even now I dont understand completely. My husband, my best friend, has depression. Quite often I blame myself because I can't fix it. I am starting to realise that and it hurts. It hurts so much to watch and not be able to take it away. We are getting the help and support we need and have such a loving support team. But in the mean time I struggle to keep going at times and be the strong one I never thought I'd have to or could be. We had several friends get married around the same time as us and often I look on bitterly and wonder why it seems so much harder for us? Why I end up on my own because he is having a hard day? Why it is hard to smile sometimes. I forget that everyone has their own trials and that being bitter only divides people and pushing them away. One thing this has shown me is the love I have for my husband and the undying love he has for me. Everyday he struggles and yet he keeps going. Sometimes he can't look at me and sometimes he can smile and give me a big hug. Whether it is a great day or a hard one I feel safe and secure in his arms. He can fix so much with those arms and he words "I love you. Everything is going to be fine". We are so close to being able to move forward and onwards in our life. Im so scared. Im so scared ill fail him and that I wont be able to cope. If I could say one thing to my wonderful man it would be this: I love you more than anything in this world. You complete my life. Keep fighting xx

oz_robbo Advice on being there for a friend with PTSD
  • replies: 3

I have a work colleague who has become a very close, dear and important friend to me in a very short space of time. She suffers from PTSD, I want to be the best friend I can be for her. I listen, don't judge, and as best as a Male can, I try not to o... View more

I have a work colleague who has become a very close, dear and important friend to me in a very short space of time. She suffers from PTSD, I want to be the best friend I can be for her. I listen, don't judge, and as best as a Male can, I try not to offer solutions to try and fix everything. Any other advice would be appreciated. This girl means a lot to me. I just want to be there for her.

Big_Sister Looking for some advice for family members
  • replies: 5

Hi, My little (grown up) brother has been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. He has had to quit his job and he has moved back in with my mum and dad. As a family we are trying to do everything we can for him - but sometimes it's hard to kno... View more

Hi, My little (grown up) brother has been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. He has had to quit his job and he has moved back in with my mum and dad. As a family we are trying to do everything we can for him - but sometimes it's hard to know if we should be doing anything more or differently. He was worried about finances, so mum and dad have agreed to manage that for him and he's happy that they are taking care of that. He's enrolled in a new uni course to try and change careers into something more suitable - although he's getting very far behind in his subjects. He is on medication and has been seeing a psychologist although he's missed his last couple of appointments. Recently we have discovered that he's been using herbal incense, which we are very worried about. But we haven't asked him about this and he doesn't know that we know. Obviously he is an adult and allowed to make his own choices. Should we talk to him about this, or just let it be? He knows we're all here to help him but we don't talk to him much about anxiety or whether or not there's anything we can do to help as he doesn't like to talk about it. If anyone has any advice for us, we'd appreciate it. Thanks.

Snickers Desperately Seeking Answers!
  • replies: 5

5 weeks ago my husband of 32 years attempted suicde.There is no doubt as to the reason why he got to that stage he was working excessively long hours in a high pressure role which included after hours emergency duty in his own business that saw him o... View more

5 weeks ago my husband of 32 years attempted suicde.There is no doubt as to the reason why he got to that stage he was working excessively long hours in a high pressure role which included after hours emergency duty in his own business that saw him on duty constantly for over a month.He had had difficulties with sleeping for quite some time which added to his exhaustion. There is no family history of depression & in the few weeks leading up to his overdose we thought he was looking exhausted but were not aware of any feelings of depression – although he was getting anxious about being able to cope with the work load.After 3 days in Emergency & 2 days in a mental health unit he was discharged with mild depression & given a prescription for one the most common antidepressants at a low dose which we were told would make him feel much better in 2 weeks & really good in approximately 4 weeks.He was also given a prescription for another drug to help him with his sleep. Sounded simple – we started planning a getaway for him to de stress, relax & recover.Five days after starting the medication he started having anxiety attacks & a sudden thought of suicide. He was hospitalised to keep him safe & to help him re-establish a normal sleep pattern. Medications were increased. After a few days he was released but he then started having very frightening anxiety attacks during which all logical thinking disappeared his worry that sparked the attack was illogical. He was hospitalised again.The medications were changed slightly & increased yet again.He was put on a waiting list to go into a private mental health unit. After 4 days he was transferred.Since being in the unit his medications have been increased & changed & he has gone downhill to the stage where he seems to have lost most of his cognitive functioning (unable to complete simple tasks). He has now been classed as having deep depression! They are now recommending electroconvulsive therapy as the drugs do not seem to be having any effect.Can anyone out there tell me if they have had a similar experience? It is possible this downward spiral is due to medications??? Or is this something that commonly happens with mental illness??? Desperately trying to come to terms with what is happening to the intelligent gentle loving husband I used to have! I feel so helpless watching him go through what appears to be torture for him!