New to this

[BMCCJB9013]

I have just recently joined beyond blue as I feel my family and friends can't really relate to me.

My boyfriend of 6 years, has struggled on and off with depression through out our relationship-- although he has never admitted to this, sought help or taken any medication (despite my pleas with him to try) 

We have recently has a baby girl- which is hard enough on it's own and we moved back home with his dad, who also struggles with depression and drinking.

It's very hard everyday as I feel like I try to care for my baby, my partner and can't find the time or patience with my father In law.

My boyfriend went out on the weekend (I have known he has not been I a great place) and as usual when he is feeling low, can't seem to stop drinking, however this time he added drugs to the mix and ended up, betraying my trust.

We have Spoken since the incident and he has finally acknowledged he isn't the person he wants to be and he is not sure what happens when he does these things, he just feels low and thinks drinking etc will make him feel better (which I'm Sure it does for the night)

I feel like I'm

Stuck between a rock and a hard place and torn as to what I should do.

On the one hand I want to support him and ensure he gets the help he needs but on the other hand it is always me who suffers and has to get hurt as result of him not dealing with his issues.

I know I love him and I'll do anything to help Him with his inner demons but I just was wondering how people think I should go about being there for him.

Thank you 

[AGrace]

Hi B,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for reaching out to us, and for taking on the incredibly difficult role of caring for a loved one with mental illness.

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl!

Approaching someone about their illness, and subsequently the appropriate care can be really challenging. Yes, you need to handle it delicately, but you also need to be assertive enough to get your needs met.

I'd suggest sitting down with your boyfriend and explaining exactly how you feel. Let him know that you want to be there for him, but in order for you to care for him, you need a little bit of give and take. Let him know what you would like to have happen: 1. For him to acknowledge how his illness is not only impacting on him, but also on you and your ability to care for your new family, 2. In order for your relationship to work, and for the sake of you, him and your child you need him to seek some professional help, 3. You are concerned about the influence of his father now that you are living with him, and that in order for your living arrangements to change in the future he needs to seek help, 4. Drugs and binge drinking are something that you won't tolerate but that again you are happy to help him with this. Find out why he doesn't want to seek help, and reiterate how important it is for you and your daughter that he takes this step. Ask him what you can do to help make this happen. Don't let the conversation end until you have his commitment, and you have set up some appointments. Choose a good time to have the conversation, avoid confrontation by not retaliating back if he gets argumentative.

Is your boyfriend working at the moment? Are your family supportive? Have you got someone that you can talk with about your situation? Is there an option for you to move in with your family so as not to have to be around his father?

I also think that post the conversation try to be really encouraging toward him. Let him know that you want to listen whenever he feels like sharing anything with you.

There is also some information under the resources tab both on caring for someone with a mental illness, and depression (that you might want to order for your boyfriend). If finance is a strain your boyfriend can ask the GP for a mental health care plan which will entitle him to 10 free session with a Psychologist. There's also a good list of GPs on BB's website that specialise in mental health.

I hope you will get back to us.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear B, congratulations on the birth of your baby girl.

I can see a big problem here in that your father in law has depression as well as a drinking problem and probably hasn't accepted the fact that he has depression, because his drinking is stopping any feelings, and that's why he drinks, then your boyfriend comes into the equation,and because he sees his dad drinking then he thinks that it's OK to do the same, so he is in denial just like his dad.

Living there might be financially better for you, but ideally it's not the best situation, because the environment is not the best, so are you able to move away and into a flat, and if you are on government benefits you would be entitled to rent assistance.

There maybe a problem with your boyfriend into wanting to do this, because where you are now alcohol would be freely available, and at the moment this is his biggest draw card.

This over rides everything else, I'm sorry to say, so is it possible to convince him that you want your child to grow up without your father in law drinking, but it may not be appropriate to mention his depression, because he doubts whether he has it himself.

I would also suggest what Amber has said, that you need a commitment from him, which also means seeking help, and I would like to know if you are able to move somewhere else. L Geoff. x

[BMCCJB9013]

Thank you for taking the time to send reply!! 

I have moved (temporarily) to my mums house where i have an incredibly supportive family-- as i have a sister with depression and anorexia, which she is currently seems to be doing well.

I have sat him down and explained to him that we have swept his issues under the rug for too long now and a simply "ill just go back to the gym" is no longer sufficient, i have put down a strong list of "terms", i have told him that he needs to go to the doctors and arrange some appointments with a psychologist and i will not come home until he has had his first appointment. he is also seeking help through his union worker at his job to see if they can arrange an appointment for him. 

He has returned to gym and is starting to go for nightly walks (again this has only been the past 4-5 days, but i see it as a positive he is trying). i keep in contact with him and i have told him i need a bit of space, but am continuing to support via text message and limited contact.

He knows that drugs and drinking are a deal breaker if he is to return to this behavior i will no longer be able to support him.

His father is a big issue we have to address but as long as i see him as taking steps to make himself better--- i feel thats an issue we will deal with a little further down the track.

we are close to getting our own house so unfortunately this is the situation that we have to be in for the time being, but i can sleep at my mums house a few days a week which is a good break from the father in law.

I used to see a psychologist and i am going to make an appointment to start doing this as i feel i am slipping down into a bit of a rut, which i know if i go and see her i will get back into control of my feelings.

 i think the break from us (me and our daughter) has been good as he is realizing what he wants in life and thinking about what he needs to do for now and for the foreseeable future as this problem he has is ongoing and cannot be fixed with an easy fix.

[BMCCJB9013]

Hi Geoff,

I understand what you are saying with the father as a role model, but it works almost in a different manner, as he and his dad are not very close, it scares him that he will be like his dad, the mere mention of the fact he could be like is dad is enough to make him want to change.

We are in the process of getting our first house built etc its possible for us to stay at my mums house for a bit which again may be an option, but atleast whilst living with his dad, we have our own space, which we would not have at my parents.

I think the best thing at the moment, is he has now realised he has a problem, as he continues to hurt me and let the baby down (by breaking plans etc) he has realised this is not the person he wants to be, as a partner or as a father. 

It has pushed him to make changes, no more drinking, no drugs, living a healthier lifestyle, with eating better and working out and going for walks and runs.

He has made the commitment to me as i have told him i will not be coming back until i see signs that he is trying to change and has put some plans in motion>

All i can ask of him that he tries and i will continue to support him aslong as he is trying. If the issue of his father inlaw continues we will have to see about moving.

[AGrace]

Wow!! Some massive leaps have occurred since your last post. Good on you.

I do hope that he continues with the progress. Keep up the encouragement, this is a pretty big deal for him also.

I'm really pleased you're going back to your Psychologist, this is a great example for your partner, and will also give you some much needed support.

You should be really proud.

There are some others here with eating disorders if you think it would be helpful for your sister to visit the forums. I suffered for 3 years in my early 20's with anorexia so I know what a tough fight you have to put up.

Keep us updated.

AGrace