Smoking to destress

JenWren · ‎04-08-2014

My husband has chronic depression and anxiety and two months ago his mother passed away - she was 92 years old. As I had expected my husband has not coped well with his mother's passing and his depression is currently overwhelming him. I have reduced my work hours so that I can be home more to help him to get the jobs that he needs to do done.
A couple of weeks ago I discovered that he had taken up smoking to help relax. I let him know that smoking is not something that I can condone in a house with three teenaged boys in it and asked that he stop. I know that he hasn't stopped and am not sure how to get passed this. I have recently realised that he takes more notice of what professionals eg doctors & councellors say to him. If they suggest something that I have already suggested he listens to them and not me. I am really concerned that he is doing something that is not good for his health in the name of relaxing. In the past he was drinking to relax and get to sleep until he had a liver test come back with bad results which forced him to reduce the drinking. I know that I have to be patient with him and I try really hard but find that some of this stuff makes me feel as though he doesn't care how any of this makes me feel and the effect on everyone in the house. I know that this is probably not true but this is how I feel. What do I do????

SubduedBlues · ‎04-08-2014

Hi JW

I used to smoke, and when I was a smoker smoking helped me relax. Probably not what you want to hear, but it's an honest and true statement.

Now how to get him to quit. Well I only have bad advice, based on some stuff that my wife used to use on me. Some worked for some of the time, some didn't. Eventually, I quit because of health issues unrelated to smoking - but smoking didn't help.

If I went to kiss her after having a cig she'd say I smelled like an ash tray, so if I wanted a kiss to kiss the ash tray.
To help me understand the impact of the cig's she'd have me run (literally run) immediately after smoking. When I was out of breath, she'd say that quite obviously I needed another cigarette to help me breath (sarcastically)
If she could smell tobacco on me, I was not allowed in the car or same room as her.
The one I disliked the most, was every time I bought a pack of cig's she'd help herself to an equivalent amount of money from my wallet for herself. She figured if I could waste $5 of my money on smokes, she could waste $5 of my money on something frivolous for her.

I don't think there is any easy answer here. Can you get a word into his doc?

What she never did try, was to keep water pistols about inside the house. Then whenever she saw me with a lit cig around the house, to have the kids shoot out the smoldering cherry of the cig. But what would have really really annoyed me, had she told me that I'm allowed back inside until I didn't stink like an ashtray ... or worse yet have me brush my teeth and shower outside with the garden hose 🙂

I think you just need to be a little bit creative in making smoking in and around the house so undesirable for him that he would rather avoid it than to put up with the consequences of smoking.

Like I said, BAD advice.

AGrace · ‎11-08-2014

Hi Jen,

From reading your post there seems to be a few issues you are dealing with.

1. Your partner smoking, which you don't like and you believe is a bad example for your children. As a smoker I can understand how your husband feels, sometimes it's better to have one vice than to be doing anything else more immediately self destructive. I stopped smoking for 2 years and during this time my behaviour and attitude were at their worst. I've decided for the time being that I will quit once I've got my mental health more stable. I also understand that your would rather he didn't smoke. Sadly there's no simple way to stop someone else smoking. Instead I think you have the right to set some boundaries. Perhaps he doesn't smoke around you or the children, he washes his hands immediately after smoking, and he is hygienic when smoking (using mints, emptying ash trays etc).

2. You feel like your husband doesn't listen to you anymore. This is a conversation you need to have with him. Avoid having the conversation when he's irritable, or when you're feeling low, or during a heated discussion. You want to have a calm yet assertive conversation simply telling him "When you don't take notice of the suggestions I make it makes me feel...I would prefer if...what are your thoughts?". Try to avoid judging him and instead judge the behaviour. There is no point having a discussion such as "You never listen to me, I hate that, you always listen to everybody but me." He will just get defensive, and you won't get what you need/want.

3. You are not really in the loop with your husband's treatment. It sounds like you're a bit lost in terms of what you can be doing to help him while still keeping yourself well. What sort of professional help does your husband receive? Are you in contact with your husband's treatment team? I think this is really important if you are the carer. You need to know what's going on, what progress he should be making, and how you can help. I'd also suggest to get a bit of assistance for yourself. When caring for someone else you tend to lose yourself, or at least start to feel unimportant. Some counselling sessions, some pampering treats, being able to socialise with friends or family, or engage in hobbies and interests without your husband are all really worthwhile.

I hope that you will come back to us, I'd be interested to hear how you are travelling.

AGrace