Boyfriend of Depression Sufferer - Need Advice!

[Jnomad]

Hi there,

My Girlfriend and I met in the uk whilst I was on a working holiday Visa.  From the first date she was clear and upfront with me about her suffering from depression which she had been diagnosed with just a few months prior to us meeting.  But right from the start I was smitten with her and we've been together for 8 months now.  I've fallen head over heals for her and as far as I know she has for me too. 

Her depression stemmed from lack of support from peers during her probationary year as a teacher.  She has lost all self confidence in what she does, and avoids almost all social interaction with people that she doesn't already know, i.e if I go to the pub with my friends, she'll try almost any excuse to avoid coming.  Also she is always fatigued and sleeps in my opinion way too much. 

She is currently taking medication, and the main side affects I see are fatigue, unfulfilling sleep, and complete loss of sex drive.  The lack of sex is not an issue for me because I know its not forever, but I know she's worried that it may not return.  I am now unable to live in the UK full time with her as my visa has expired, the plan is to return on an irish permit, work in Ireland and go back and forth to see her as much as I'm allowed by the uk, i.e 6months in a 12 month period on a tourist visa. 

My concern is going to be obviously the long distance, and I now that is a concern for her as well.  She has gotten to rely on me being there when things get tough and she's told me that even on the tough days at work she knows she has me to come home to which makes her feel better.  I'm trying to only be away in Ireland for max 2 weeks between visits to her, with the occasional 2 or 3 weekly stay with her. I know this next 12 months will be tough, and that hopefully by then we'll still be strong together, and we'll have decided to move somewhere together.  Just worried that if shes having a low day whilst I'm not there.  I don't think she'd contemplate hurting herself but it still scares me that she'll take a backward step in her progress to get better.  Just need some advice mainly that I'm doing the right thing at this stage and Is there more I should be helping her to do.  At the moment she's relying on medication alone, she's tried mindfulness courses and CBT but she just says they're a waste of time.  Not sure what else I can do, and how I get her motivated to get more help??  Sorry about the length of the thread!

[AGrace]

Hi Jnomad,

Can I just start by saying that you sound like such an amazing and caring person, it's no wonder why your girlfriend felt comfortable to share so much with you.

It also sounds like you're doing all the right things. I'm not sure how the systems work in the UK, but is there a support group that perhaps she could attend regularly when you aren't there? This would be a great way for her to be around others who are sharing similar experiences. 

I know you mentioned that she's a little uncomfortable with people she doesn't know, is there a friend or family member that could check in on her from time to time?

Is she seeing a Psychiatrist/Psychologist? This could be something for her to consider for when your not there, and a Psychiatrist would be able to monitor her meds.

The tough part will be making these suggestions to her. Perhaps start to talk about putting some plans in place so you know she is being cared for during the short time when you're not physically there. It would be good to get her involved in making this plan. Do you think she would be open to joining a forum like Beyondblue? 

It seems like you're already doing a good job of reassuring her that you're in it for the long haul. Does she know how much you love her? Keep reminding her. Tell her that you trust her enough to know that she will do what is necessary to get support. 

Start to plan something you might do as soon as you get back to her so she has something to look forward to. Talk about some plans for communicating with her while you aren't there, maybe you want to do a Skype video call every evening when she returns home from work. 

I hope some of this helps. Good to have you here on the forums. 

AGrace