Trying to understand depression

[saz]

I have been going out with a guy for about 8 months now who has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He has been suffering from it for many years and is on medication that he takes daily. His illness is so bad that he is unable to work.

I really like him but i am struggling to deal with his mood swings. Sometimes when i see him he is this amazing, warm, passionate guy who makes me feel so loved and wanted. Other times, he will be like ice, i can't read him, he makes me feel like i'm getting in the way and he will hardly acknowledge me. I have tried talking to him about it but he just says it's not a reflection of how he feels about me, it's just part of his depression. Lately, he has been in these cold icy moods more often and it's been a few weeks now since i've seen him in one of his warmer moods. I never know what to expect when I see him, but am always really disappointed when i am greeted by his coldness. Do these sound like symptoms of his depression? When he is in these moods i lose my confidence around him, I feel like he doesn't want me there and then it becomes awkward between us because i don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on him and i'm hoping that if i can find a way to understand him better, i might be able to cope with these moods a little more easily.. 

To anyone who suffers depression/anxiety, or is in a relationship with someone who suffers - any advice?

[AGrace]

Hi Saz,

It's so inspiring to see you reaching out for help to help a loved one and yourself.

I wanted to start by asking whether you have read any of the RESOURCES available on the Beyondblue website? There's some that are particularly designed to assist family and friends,  including information about how to best approach a discussion,  and how to look after yourself. If you haven't done so already,  I'd suggest this would be a good place to start.

It's difficult to see someone you care about suffering. It's even more difficult to distinguish between what is the illness and what is the person, and yet again even more challenging to not allow the symptoms of the illness to overpower this gentleman's feelings about you. I can be pretty sure that he wishes he could be happy, loving, and warm around you all the time. I know I wish I was like this with my boyfriend more often. 

I think one of the key things to think about is can you see the man as separate from the illness? It's completely reasonable that your self esteem has taken a hit in this situation, however also completely unfair. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that his actions and emotions towards you are unintentional. The fact that he wants to be around you even when he's at his worst speaks volumes. We all tend to want to show our perfectionistic side to partners, yet him being vulnerable around you could lead to an even stronger relationship. It can be difficult to accept but when you love someone with a mental illness you do tend to have to rely on yourself to keep your confidence in check.

I wonder if you could think about the roles being reversed? What would you want from him? Most people just want someone to be there for them, to listen, to avoid judgement or criticism, to love them despite their flaws, to see beyond their illness. It can be difficult to know the right thing to do for you and for him, but I think you need to decide if you can do and be all of these things for him while looking after your best interests? 

I hope this has given you some food for thought. It is only my perspective, others may vary in their ideas. 

AGrace