Supporting supporters

[Lady_Jane]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to the forum. I've suffered from anxiety and depression on and off throughout my life, but pleased to say I'm well under control these days and can identify when I'm not.

Although, that's not what brings me here. Because of my history, a few of my friends see my as the perfect go-to for their own issues with depression and anxiety. In particular, I am running out of ways to support a friend who's new husband is suffering depression and potentially alcoholism.

The back story:
My friend married her husband 2 months ago. They have been together for a number of years, except for one period where they separated for a few months (her then-boyfriend had sort of a life crisis, treated her badly and cheated on her. Against mine and her father's advice, she took him back).

About 6 months before the wedding, her husband slipped into quite severe depression. He was apparently seeing a psychologist, but it didn't seem to be helping him much. He basically cut my friend off from any substantial communication and made her feel very alone. It got so bad that I advised her to call off the wedding for the time being, so that her husband could focus on getting better. She seriously considered this, but I think the pressure of people's expectations made her carry through with the original plan.

This week, my friend called me in tears from her car in the garage, refusing to go into her house where her husband is. She's had a bad day at work and is afraid what impact this will have. Her husband won't talk to his wife about anything (unless it's something negative about her or a vague hint at self-harm), stays out nights, won't sleep in their bed, and she's discovered he is consuming gross amounts of alcohol now. She talks to me because she says I understand what they are both going through. I give her advice which she says is helpful, but she is walking on eggshells at home. Afraid to do or say anything that might trigger her husband. I have insisted that her husband return to a psychologist, and they go together, but he won't even consider it. She is getting increasingly desperate, and I am too, to be honest. She herself has suffered depression in the past and I am worried what impact this is having on her.

How much more can I help? I don't want to see her husband's illness suck her in, and I sometimes wonder how much of her burden I can take on too.

Thank you

 L. Jane.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lady Jane (L.J. for short)  🙂

Firstly, I've gotta say a couple of things:   welcome to Beyond Blue and also thank you for providing, not only this post about your friend, but to answer another posters thread as well.  It's always really awesome to find new posters who want to reach out and help others as well.

Secondly, that's gotta either be one very clever camera shot of that bear or it is indeed one of the world's hugest bears (in captivity) !!  🙂

Ok, so we've all heard of matches "made in heaven".  In reading your friends story, I can't find any resemblances of the above quote.  After just two months, things are like that - that ain't good signs to me.  Two months is like still amidst the 'honeymoon phase big time';  or maybe I'm just out of connection with the world these days.

But for a husband to be drinking as much as he is;   to not talk to his wife or if he does, he bags her out with negativity;  and no doubt there's more going on, that ain't good to me.

And this is after just two months.

I don't know what you think, but could you imagine things would be able to turn around and get better?   Especially when he's had suggestions made for him to seek out assistance and he refuses.

This is your friends (and in a way, your own) mental health and well-being at stake here.

I'm sorry if this is sounding like it's coming across as being harsh - I'm definitely not normally like that - I just like to see things be in a harmonious state;  but I guess we can't always get what we want (possibly a name for a Rolling Stones song).

So with all that you've written, do you think:  (a) your friend would be willing to move out, say on a trial separation  (b) would she have somewhere to go   (c) do you think her husband would get angry at this or would he just go about his normal routine  (d)  I don't really have a "d" to raise.

Hope to hear back from you.

Neil

[geoff]

dear L J,thank you for posting this comment, and I'd also like to welcome you to the site.

I am so pleased that Neil has replied to you and what he has said I agree with, as being in their honeymoon period the situation is not looking good at all, but you must be a true friend for her in taking this up, and I feel as though her father has also taken up the cause.

I wish that she had taken your and her father's advice and postponed the marriage, because now the situation is a bit more complicated.

Just because they have separated for a short time isn't the go for him to have an affair, because if he wants to marry her then he should be thinking along the lines of 'what has gone wrong, and what needs to be done firstly by myself and possibly a bit of give and take from her' and not running out and have a short term affair with someone else.

Now he is abusing alcohol, and I have to mention that I was the same, but it was one reason why my wife divorced me, so it's going to be a real problem for your friend.

I am worried about the potential for the future here, as he brings her done, is scared of him, is drinking grog to excess, has had an affair and not interested in helping himself let alone the marriage.

Even though you have beaten your own anxiety and depression, we always have it in our system and are prone for it to come 'out of the blue' again and hit us with vengeance, so you have to be careful yourself.

I hate to say this but the future of this marriage doesn't look to be in good shape, and I'm not even sure whether she loves him as it's not mentioned, although I understand that the marriage went ahead.

This is a difficult position you are in, but you are looking after her best interests which I know that she would be grateful of. Geoff.

[Lady_Jane]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the warm welcome and kind advice.

I really don't think my friend is prepared to do much about it at the moment. In her mind it is 'early days', and outside of myself not much of her family or friends knows what's going on.

I've provided her with advice along these lines:
- If she wants to discuss something (even if it's just about the bad day she had), try re-phrasing things that her husband could interpret to be about him or twist to make it about him, so that instead she is the topic in focus (simple example: "YOU didn't tell me that" vs. "I didn't realise that"). Although I am conscious of that becoming an avenue for blaming her for everything.
- Try emphasising the fact that this is a two-person tango. That she alone cannot keep this relationship afloat.
- Try not to expect too much from him while he is battling, but push him to make himself better when you think he needs a push.
- Try presenting ultimatums if it comes to that.

She does have somewhere to go if she does want to leave, and I think she will be well supported by her family and friends who live in that city. But I think she feels she would be admitting defeat if that were the case, and she says she does love him. Her husband is not violent and I am confident should things go that way, she is strong enough to not tolerate it and leave without question.

I have probably painted her husband in a very bad light. I believe that he really is a decent man who is just suffering an illness at the moment and generally had a bad run of life- he comes from a broken family, he had a near death experience, and to make matters worse, his mother was became suddenly and terminally ill in the lead up to the wedding and died a month beforehand. He acts completely fine, cheery and interactive when he is with others (myself included), but only seems to demonstrate this destructive behaviour at home.

I am keeping tabs on my friend, and she has up and down days with all of this, but I am making sure she prioritises her own health.

Thank you again for your thoughts. I will more than likely return as this situation continues.

LJ

PS: Neil1, the bear is made of giant hay bales and is about 2 tractors high.

[Lady_Jane]

Hi Everyone,

I just thought I would post a quick update. My friend sent me an email last week, and the long and the short of it is that I told her to leave her husband. She told me she had seen her psychologist, and that her psychologist reinforced everything I told her. So she had a 'productive' chat with her husband- he failed to acknowledge there was a problem, claiming her had always 'communicated' this way (which I know isn't the case, cause I have known him for years as well). When he did concede there was an issue or two, he flat out said he wasn't going to do anything about it. So I told her that she'd done all she could for now, and to throw in the towel. Let him sort himself out and focus on getting herself in a good state.

I haven't heard how things are with her since, but I will check up on her. Unfortunately my own health has deteriorated (a combination of physical and mental), so I'm needing to take a step back from helping her. But I will continue to be here for her.

Thanks for your help.

LJ

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lady Jane

That’s some big developments there of late for your friend.  But if these things have been going around and around for a long time now, it’s time that the exit for the roundabout appeared and it seems that your friend has decided to use that exit lane.

Whichever way that plays out now, I hope that the end result is a good one for all involved and that for your friend, she is happy with however things finish up.  That’s the key element to most things isn’t it.

But I’m very glad now to hear that you are going to take a step back and to focus on yourself.  For you that is the most important thing in the world – YOU.  I’m saddened to read that your health has plummeted in recent times;  and as you’ve probably found, when focussing on others, if you’re not careful, your own health can certainly be affected.

May I ask what mechanisms YOU have in place to help and assist yourself with both physical and mental sides of things?

Hope to hear back from you with how you’re going?

Kind regards

Neil

[Lady_Jane]

Hi Neil,

My friend walked on out her husband this morning. She left him a (kind) note explaining, which he did not take well. She is with her parents and we'll see how things play out over the next few weeks.

Thanks for your concern about me. I am experienced enough these days to pick up on signs that all is not well with me. I have a autoimmune disease and suffer chronic pain as a result. It doesn't help that by my nature I am a stressful person and hold onto a lot of tension. Recently, this has culminated it me stressing myself into another chronic illness. In addition, I have noticed that my sensitivity to things has spiked- it doesn't take much for me to get upset or stressed at the moment. There are a few things that I suspect have led to this deterioration, but I have made an appointment with my GP for a mental health care plan after the repeated insistence of many of my other specialists (relating to my chronic physical diseases) who have also detected my waning mental health.

I've got a lot of experience with mental health professionals, and I'm confident that I will be able to get back on track.

Thanks so much for your concern.

LJ 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lady Jane

That is so pleasing to read that you are aware of the signs and symptoms with regard to yourself;    all too often people aren’t aware or able to see these signs for themselves, so that’s very good that you’ve got this all covered.

Ok, so the big move has been made by your friend;   now as you say, time will tell as to how it all pans out.

As usual, please feel free at any time to reply back.

Kind regards

Neil

[Lady_Jane]

Hi Everyone,

Just thought I'd update you on what's happening.

After all that's gone on and after new developments (she moved back, he moved out, he started stealing money from her), my friend has decided to leave her husband. We're not sure how it will go down, but she has the support of her friends and her parents.

I haven't realised until now what a toll this has taken on me. My anxiety levels in general are high enough that I am having heart palpitations regularly. I have recently undergone some tests relating to my autoimmune disease as that has flared, and I am about to return to study so I am nervous about what impact these things have had/will have as well. At the moment (much to everyone's disappointment), I am considering cancelling my study plans. I have an appointment this week to try to work through what's going on.

Thanks again for your support and concern.

LJ

[Neil_1]

Dear L J

Lovely to hear back from you and the situation with regard to your friend is always difficult when it gets to that stage, but it sounds very good that she’s got good support mechanisms in place for her.

Which is exactly what I hope you have in plan for yourself as well.  It’s pleasing that you’ve got an upcoming appointment to discuss certain issues that are causing you concern.  I really hope that you can get a positive outcome out of this appointment.

With regard to your study plans, is there an option to perhaps reduce the hours, a little bit – so it doesn’t appear so daunting for you?

Just a thought.

Kind regards

Neil