How can I get my husband to recognise that he needs help?

lookingforanswers1 · ‎24-02-2015

My husband of 12 years was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 9 years ago. He doesn't have a close relationship with his parents even though they live close by and they are very dismissive of his illness. At work and at karate he seems to be "normal" successfully holding down a job and becoming a sensei. My problem is that he isn't always normal at home - when he's feeling down I cop the brunt of it with snappy talking and then when I tell him he can't talk to me that way and get away with it he nods his head says sorry and cries then we go on this roundabout again in a few weeks. In Jan I took our DD for her vaccination making an appointment for him to see the Dr whilst I was there on 28th Jan. He went to the dr and told him what I had noticed (he now has a shocking short term memory). At the Dr he got a referral for some blood tests and despite constant reminders he just couldn't self motivate himself to go and get it done. On the weekend it was our DS birthday. His parents came for cake on Sat morning and he was fine with them then a few minutes after they left was snappy and cranky. On the Sunday morning it was my son's actual birthday and he woke both myself and my husband at 6am so he could open his present, well my husband didn't get out of bed deciding to go back to sleep. This really upset me and I told him that when he got up an hour later and I also pointed out its a moment in time he will never get back. I am quite an organised person and am the one who gets everyone ready to do something and if I don't do this nothing gets done and we go nowhere. I wonder if I have enabled him to rely on me to tell him what to do so much that now he really needs help he cant' do it or should he still have the motivation to want to do it himself. He finally got the blood test done today after I more or less said if he didn't get help he would have to pack a bag and leave until he had sought help, I just don't know what else I can do to make him want to help himself or if pushing him to get help is the wrong thing to do so would love some advice.

Pixie15 · ‎25-02-2015

Hi lookingforanswers1,

I see this is your first post so welcome to the forums. Unfortunately what you have written here is a familiar story. My partner has been the same with me. He could make an effort with others but because I would make allowances for him over time he became very mean to me. Most people including close family members would be surprised to meet the person he was outside of the public eye. I think however this is a part of the illness.

It is still not fair for you to be on the receiving end of the negative treatment. It can be hard to stand firm when someone you love reacts with emotional distress at the slightest hint of a disagreement however you do need to stand up for your rights. He may not realize what he is doing but you are being hurt by his behavior.

It is unfortunate that you came to the point of having to threaten him to get him to seek treatment. I did this with my partner and it was not at all helpful. Have you had a look at the resources on the Beyond Blue site here. There is a booklet for carers which I have found especially helpful and other information on depression, anxiety and treatment options. It may be difficult for your partner to seek this information on his own behalf so it is in both your interests for you to be well informed.

It is sad that your son's birthday did not go as planned. If your partner has difficulty with getting up early it might be helpful to plan events like this so that it is easier for him to manage. You could plan the gift giving at a different time of the day. If the child knows in advance there will not be so much disappointment.

You may need to do some things to help your partner however it is a good idea to encourage him to do as much as he can for himself. His recovery needs to be his choice not something that is being forced on to him by you.

Try and stay hopeful. Recovery is possible.

Thanks,

Grateful.

geoff · ‎26-02-2015

dear Lookingforanswers, I'd also like to welcome you to the site.

What Grateful has said to you is worth a million words, so I hope that it helps you.

Sometimes being in denial it may take a bit of persuasion, force or perhaps a threat to get him to begin what he has been told, advised or should do, and by doing it this way isn't in any way to harm him, but just help him.

This however is going to be exhausting for you because it will be a full time job getting him to the doctor and then psychologist, because you have a family to look after, and I'm not sure whether you work as well.

Can I just warn you that there will be disappointments for you and whether you yourself need to think about seeing your own doctor, this is only to give you some support.

I wonder whether he's still working and what the prospects are for him at work, and I don't mean this in an awful way, it's just whether his boss knows about how he is feeling and what's going on. L Geoff. x

motherdaughterwife · ‎26-02-2015

Thanks for your honesty lookingforanswers1, geoff and GratefulToday. I have been married for 12 years. My husband has suffered from depression and anxiety for most of that time. I didn't recognize it until I went on maternity leave with our first child and discovered that "working for himself" meant sleeping most of the day then trying to achieve a days work in 3 hours from 4pm. He was diagnosed and started medication about 9 years ago. Still hasn't got on top of it. My first child is almost 10, the second is 6. My husband hasn't really worked their whole lives. He struggles to accept that he can't, so he keeps starting things but never finishing them.

Lookingforanswers1, it was a relief for me to read your post. I thought I was the only one. Perhaps not the most helpful thing I could say, but I understand what it is like being you. What I recognise about depression is that it sucks the motivation and ability to plan then follow through. My husband, like yours, has poor short-term memory. He struggles to get out of bed. He doesn't do it on purpose, it is a symptom of the illness. And the illness conspires against a person's best intentions.

Take heed of geoff's comments. It is not an easy road ahead in the short term. Find some support, you will need it. You will want to blow off steam, cry, rant...and there are many professionals to help you through it. I have used an employee assistance package available through my employer on more than one occasion.

Hang in there.