Supporting parents as well as yourself during hard times?

[LuLu_]

Hello

I am only young and throughout the year I have been dealing with depression.

My mother has been put under a lot of pressure in the last three years, looking after my sick father, my parents business including finances and also my own illness. She is now quite emotional and run down. She isn’t enjoying life and she doesn’t have much motivation to socialise or do much at all.

Should I be doing more to support her? I want to but it feels strange as I am her daughter and only a teenager. My instincts tell me to look after my own health first and that as she is an adult she must look after herself and talk to my father if she needs more support. It sounds harsh to me but it makes me uncomfortable when she puts her problems onto me as I don’t know what to do in return. My father is well now but they seem to be under a lot of strain and their relationship is under pressure. I feel a bit of guilt as I’ve caused her quite a lot of distress. My mother and I have the same way of dealing with our problems, pushing our emotions down and staying quiet until it’s all too much.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for reading

x

[Ellie05]

Hi LuLu,

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. Everyone is different but I know the best thing for my when I'm depressed or anxious is to spend time with loved ones. A hug always helps too. Maybe suggest a movie night or something with your mum if you're worried about her. You don't have to have the answers to her problems but just being there and spending time with her is a good way to lift her spirits.

[geoff]

hello LuLu, I'm sorry you're faced with a difficult situation, but you won't be able to help your mum unless you are strong enough to do so and at the moment you're struggling, so first of all you need to look after yourself and build up your own strength, then coping with mum will be much easier.
This doesn't mean that you can't go to the movies, but at the moment don't get embroiled in a heavy discussion with your mum, you're not ready to handle it, especially if becomes a heavy discussion.
I'm not sure how old you are but a couple of suggestions, book an appointment with your doctor and ask for a referral to see a psychologist on a mental health plan, that entitles you to 10 free visits, however you must make sure that you have a good connection with them, otherwise it will be a waste of time.
I would also consider contacting Reachout and/or Headspace these are people dressed in casual clothes which may make you feel more comfortable.
Let us know what you decide on doing. Geoff.

[LuLu_]

Thank you for your reply I am very greatful. I find it hard to open up with my parents because they always want to try to fix everything which is what parents do but they can’t fix my depression. Even I can’t fully heal myself.

A movie night sounds like a nice idea. It’s hard to lift someone’s spirits when you would like the same thing to happen to you. I feel guilty because a lot of her worry is that i am not fully recovered as she had hoped. I’m also not helping as much as I could so apart of her stress is definiately exacerbated by me.

Thank you for your thoughts. Inclusion does sound like a good solution

[LuLu_]

Hi geoff

i am currently seeing a psychologist regularly which is a big support.

I understand where you are coming from. It would be easier for me to just focus on myself but I feel so selfish for making everything about me and for causing so much worry and stress. I may have to spend some more time thinking about what I will do.

I hope you are well. Thank you for your reply I am grateful for any support that I receive.

[geoff]

hi LuLu, you mustn't feel as though you're selfish, because if you do then this is going to stop you being able to move forward, you need to concentrate on yourself, that's your priority. Geoff.

[demonblaster]

Hey Lulu 🙂

Yeah I too think first you need to get yourself strong to be able to be there for your Mum.
Depression is very strong and is hard work getting back up but can be done with determination and mindset which I imagine the psychologist will be helping with techniques and listening to you as we too are 🙂

It's cause your Mum loves you as it looks like you her too, we do wanna fix people, good people don't wanna see others down.
You'll get back up lovey 🙂
All very best

[Ellie05]

Hi LuLu,

I can relate to your post. My mental health issues worry my mum too and then I worry about the fact that I have worried her. It's a cycle (much like my anxiety itself). Just remember that all your mum wants is what's best for you. I have a few friends who have anxiety/depression too and whilst we can't fix each other, just being there for each other and spending time together is helpful.

[LuLu_]

I agree with everything you have said. I suppose my depression is telling me to isolate myself. I know my friends help me but right now I need some alone time. I hope you are going well. Please let me know if you are struggling and we can talk 🙂

Lulu

[Ellie05]

Thanks LuLu - that's very kind of you. To tell you the truth I am struggling at the moment but believe I am getting better. I find coming to these forums really helps because you can be as open as you like here and it's comforting to know I'm not the only one who struggles with depression and anxiety.