Depressed partner is out of work, drinking heavily and very unsociable

[candy7]

My partner of 30 years took what he hoped was his dream job interstate and we both moved only to find the same bullying and nepotism he had experienced before in his industry. We had quite a substantial property portfolio when we moved and have since had to sell multiple properties to make ends meet and he blames himself for this.

Since returning home I have secured full time employment in a regional town and he has joined me but has been unable to find employment himself. He always seems to be the bridesmaid at every interview... He is alone all day while I am at work and I often have to do paperwork at night too but I figure I'm providing a decent income for both of us and we have always shared a bank account. He is depressed and drinking heavily every night and now my parents are coming to visit and he has had a total meltdown which I believe is from not having to socialise with anyone and then he will have 2 people living with us for 1 week. He used to get along really well with my parents before we moved interstate and we even went on holidays with them but now anyone visits and he becomes very introverted and unsociable often just sitting there and not engaging in any conversation. I have tried to talk to him and also to just say I understand he wants some space but he is now just locking himself in a room and only coming out when necessary.

He also has chronic fatigue syndrome so that's another factor. I have asked him to talk to his doctor about the depression which he openly admits to suffering from (well with me anyway) but he just says he's managing. Each day I don't know if I will have my happy, bubbly extrovert or the grim reaper living with me. I have two weeks off and I was really looking forward to it but if I have to live with his moodiness I would rather be back at work.

[geoff]

hi Candy, I'm really sorry to know about this as it must be very draining for you, and even though he's admitted to you that he has depression, he may not say the same when anybody else asks him, making him in denial, especially when he says he's managing it, but if he also has fatigue syndrome then this complicates the situation.
He doesn't seem to be handling it, that's always a good excuse to relieve any pressure put on him, however it doesn't, it goes the opposite way and makes the situation tensor.
Can I ask if he has been drinking when you get home, because that's what I always did, drinking as soon as I hoped up to when I flaked when suffering from depression.
You can see how much his mood has changed now, being friendly with your parents to now regretting to see them, that's his depression taking control over him, and I wonder whether your parents do accept MI, and then try and encourage him, or whether it's not something they believe in, if it's the latter then there maybe a problem, so if you could please let us know, then we'll try and help you with this.

Would love to hear back from you. Geoff.

[candy7]

Thank you so much for your reply Geoff. He hasn't been drinking as soon as I get home but around 7pm he starts and basically chain drinks until bed. He has also taken up cask red wine when we used to share a bottle over dinner. He will drink over a litre a night but has been surprisingly positive around my parents and the total opposite of how he was behaving when their arrival drew closer.

I'm a bit stumped by this and wonder if he's trying to cover up the depression while they're here. My brother has had depression so they wouldn't think any less of him if they knew and they are having a great time so I just hope there won't be fallout when they leave and ge sinks even deeper. We live in a small town where we know the GP socially so I think that's why he doesn't want to admit to her he has a problem with drinking or depression... feel kind of stuck as my job is great and pay is awesome but no work on the horizon for him = more drinking and more depressed. If we move again we will both be out of work... i think over a litre of wine every night is excessive do you as a recovering heavy drinker think that too? I never drink more than 3 glasses and usually only have 1 and not every night as I feel that is giving him the green light. I don't want to play the "you're not wasting my pay on wine" card as what's mine is ours and vice versa but I am worried it is just making the depression worse. It's nearly 1am and he's still up drinking when my parents and I went to bed ages ago...

[geoff]

hello Candy, these are just some points to watch out for, and please I'm not assuming they happen.
The only way you will know how much he does drink is by picking up the cask to see how full it is, but there can be a trick that he can do, and that's put rocks into the cask making it feel as though it's fuller than it actually is and where he puts the empty casks, burn them or take them down to the shopping centre and then dispose of them.
It's also quite possible that he can drink before you get home because there is a certain point where he can hide his drinking, again only to watch out for.
You can't be sure that he's not a cupboard drinker like I was, no one ever knew how much I drank, or when I even started, so it's easy to make out that he hasn't been drinking and even if you kiss him he can disguise his breath.
A litre of wine does sound to be a lot for someone who only drinks moderaterly, but for an alcoholic it's no where near a large quantity, and in saying that for a medical professional it is too much.
I could drink 4 litres a day of cask wine and if people arrived it would be more, that's how depressed I was, the thought of that now does sicken me.
With your parents being there he may seem to be behaving himself, but not if no one knows he seems to go to the loo too many times, that could mean he cupboard drinking, and if so there is so no way he will ever tell you.
I'm sorry to mention all of this it's just that I want to help you.
Can I just say that now I only drink socially, the thought of drinking what I used to drink frightens me and does make me feel terrible, plus I have medical conditions which means that I can't drink much at all. Geoff.

[candy7]

Hi Geoff thanks so much for your honesty and for sharing what to look out for with his drinking. After I replied to you last night I watched him stagger to bed slurring his words and told him this binge drinking has to stop and I find it repulsive. Tonight for the first time in ages he hasn't had even one drink but I know as before this will be short lived. Having my parents here does seem to make him at least appear less depressed as we're out n about sightseeing all day but he now has insomnia as the wine I guess was also helping him get to sleep. Can I ask what made you realise you were drinking too much and how did you cut it back to being a social drinker? I thought if you gave up you had to stay off it that it was too hard for an alcoholic to just have a few...

[geoff]

hi Candy, I'm sorry but it probably will be short lived, as soon as your parents leave, then back to his drinking, I've not only seen this so many times but it's happened to me, although being a cupboard drinker I would still sneak off and have a drink, where nobody would even think the wiser.
For me to become a social drinker happened for a few reasons, firstly I was got divorced by my wife, so the house had to be sold and I had to find somewhere to live, I was going to buy another property but decided to rent for awhile, and that's what I'm still doing.
I suppose being by myself with no financial responsibilities, except rent, the cloud started to lift and I didn't need to drink from morning till whenever I flaked.
Secondly I was having seizures (grand mal) which totally knock the c**p out of you, you don't know where you are, what year it is or who is PM, and it takes such a long time to recover, that's what I didn't want to continue happening.
Another point was that my doctor kept telling me that my gamma enzyme in the liver was extremely high, not only caused by alcohol but also the massive amount of tablets I have to take each day.
I had no reason to continue and with these other factors that's how I only social drink now.
Even if you paid me a million bucks I couldn't drink all day Geoff.

[candy7]

Omg Geoff you certainly had some motivating factors there. Did the alcohol cause your seizures? It's wonderful you were able to make the right decisions for your health. My partner had elevated liver readings on his blood test too. Yes you were 100% right the drinking abstinence was for one night only and he was back into it last night with the added bonus of put downs and jokes that belittled me. He has never done this before and I gave him the silent treatment when my parents went to bed which he hated and said I was being silly. Today is of course the footy grand final so I don't expect much better tonight. I have signed up for a health challenge that starts Oct 1st which I think he would benefit from too. Even though we have always pooled our money and had a 'what's mine is yours' unwritten rule I think I will try the angle that it's my hard earned money he's wasting on alcohol and I'm not paying for his addiction anymore and see where that leads what do you think? I've tried to reason with him but watching him looking like he's just killed another million brain cells with eyes glazed, can't sit up and slurring his words this is not an image I'm prepared to put up with. Thank you so much for your posts they are really helping me.

[candy7]

Hi Geoff,

I'm not sure if my reply went through today...

[Sad_Bird]

Hi Candy - just a quick note to let you know you're not alone in this - your story sounds pretty familiar - my husband's drug of choice to deal with his depression is cask red wine also... although he's on anti-depressants (has been for almost 10 years) he has been going through a number of 4L casks a week for the last 5 years. It's so frustrating so see him waste money and waste his health... and maddening when he tries to hide it. He also had odd liver reading recently so is going through some tests etc. I often I feel resentful too, listening to the slurring and sentences that don't make sense. It's hard seeing someone you love kill off their brain cells every day - and I often honestly feel he's becoming less intelligent (competent?) because of the drinking - that part breaks my heart. He doesn't even care that he's losing his mind as well as his health. Now his job looks like it might be in jeopardy (in the declining gas industry) and he's scared about not being able to get another one (that's what he says, although I earn good money, so we're actually fine)...after 30 years I can imagine you can't just walk way - I can't after 20 years either - but there are many many days when I really want to. Hope there is a light somewhere ahead in the tunnel for you xx

[Gentledragon]

Hi candy this is a very stressful situation especially as drinking makes things worse and is expensive, i have a similar thing happening where the work scene has gone really tough and my partner is being very negative and fussy about jobs and im trying hard to get one we could survive till things get better on dole without money wasted on alcohol im feeling ground down and unhappy and worried im getting depressed, sick of being the mental health support, running out of steam, so i know how you feel it is not easy