Supporting my 18yr old daughter who is suffering from severe anxiety and has been self harming.

[Emsmum]

My daughter has been suffering from severe anxiety and depression for the last year. She has a lot of support from counsellors and a psychologist and doctor but I just feel so helpless. She has self harmed in the past and is on medication from her gp. I just wish I could help. She just needs hugs from me which of course I’m happy to give. How can I show her or tell her I’m there for her. 

[BlueLily]

Hi Emsmum,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear that your daughter has been suffering from anxiety and depression. It's a relief to hear that she's got lot of professional help. Most of all it's good to see you here in the forum trying to understand her and help her. 

As someone who's suffering from anxiety myself, biggest challenge is when people around me do not understand how to help even though they want to help. Or when they provide advices that doesn't really makes sense. Because what works for one person can be very different to another person depending on their situation. 

Here's a thread that contains a large collection of tips for managing anxiety accumulated over few year: https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/self-help-tips-for-managing-anxiety/m-p/50482#M7636

It contains tips that has worked for each individuals. Skimming through this will hopefully give you some tips that can help your daughter as well as provide you insight in to the thinking process of the person when they suffer anxiety. 

Let us know if this helps. Keep us updated on her journey. Take care...

[ABC01]

Dear Emsmum,

I believe that questions answer will change from day to day.

Some days she might want you to be there in person. Physical touch like hugs and holding her hand to ground her. Others she may want to be alone. Some days she may need you to listen to her and understand her point of view, not give any other commentary. Some days she may want you to help provide direction for her.

You could organise days out with her to distract her and provide happy moments doing things she might like. Routine could be key. Every second Sunday is your day together, ect. You could ask if there is a new hobby she’d like to learn and maybe do it together. Perhaps you may welcome a furry/feathered/scaly family member into your home and together you look after it.

Telling her is how she will know. (I wish I had experienced that.)Backing it up is how she will know you are there for her. Education is also important. Knowing more about your daughter’s conditions can help as you then have perspective. But don’t allow it to overwhelm and scare you too much. Having knowledge,even if it is uncomfortable,can still be empowering and positive.

You sound like an incredible mum. Your desire to want to help is so admirable.
Perhaps if you still have concerns in the future,you maybe able to consult her mental health professionals and ask the same question to them, without breaking any confidentiality.

I hope you find some answers soon,

ABC01

[therising]

Hi Emsmum

First, I want to say what an incredible mum you are. Not only have you surrounded your daughter with guides (yourself included) but you also feel so deeply for her. She's blessed to have someone so loving in her life.

It's definitely a challenge when raising someone who does not have a general type of nature. When they have a specific type of nature that no one's prepared us for, it can be like 'How am I meant to raise this person?'. While I have a 22yo daughter who's been diagnosed with ADHD and a 19yo son who's been diagnosed with high functioning autism, it's handy to know how their brains work to some degree but I've found it's also incredibly important to recognise who they naturally are. Both my kids are 'feelers', like their mum (myself). We tend to feel or sense a heck of a lot. We share other traits as well, which leads me to wonder whether there are some traits of your daughter's that you can relate to. Finding a common bond can make it easier for our kids in some ways. When it comes to common challenges, there's also the opportunity to develop together, at the same time. For example, if developing a sense of structure in life is a challenge for all, a basic sense of structure can be worked on together. Another common challenge might involve feelings or emotions. Gaining a better feel for certain emotions could involve some open and honest brain storming together. 

Now, this suggestion's a little outside the square and may not apply to your daughter but I'll throw it out there anyway, just in case. If we're raising a child who's somewhat of an empath, for example, they're going to feel just about everything. So, you could see it as an ability that hasn't been mastered yet, hence the struggle. Research into 'The challenges of being an empath' could be one way to go. Or if they're someone who's always had a brilliant imagination, one that comes with many abilities, are they struggling to see through their imagination in constructive ways? Is the ability to see or tap into their imagination constructively something that needs to be managed and developed? With these being just a couple of examples of natural abilities, not developing them can pose problems, including mental health problems. For someone who's a natural born feeler, there can be physical issues too, including nervous system issues. Someone who feels deeply and easily tends to feel through their nervous system. 'How to master feeling through our nervous system' could be another part of the rabbit hole worth exploring together. Whether you take up feeling the benefits of yoga together or group meditation sessions in your local area or take up walking in nature together is another story. I've actually found that when I lead my kids to develop in some way, I'm also developing with them. Our children tend to raise us through the challenges we face with them. 🙂