Mum has dementia and I don't have much patience

[Daisey]

I need some advice about how to cope better  

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I can hear my mother now some 60 years ago- "Tony, have some patience". Since then I've figured out that patience isnt available to buy, they dont fill supermarket shelves with them.

So at 68yo I'm still impatient, always punctual etc. So aging only has had a mark on my patience, I'm more relaxed now. So how can you have expectations of being patient when you dont have patience?. Furthermore if you work then exhaustion can be a weight you carry around with yourself. I think the message here in my post is to pat yourself on the back, begin to like yourself and believe in yourself that your best is indeed good enough.

Being kind to yourself could include some window shopping, a sport or just sharing a coffee with a friend at a cafe. It could be a shorter visit to your mum if she is in care. If you care for her at home then coping is extremely challenging. A visit to your GP might qualify you for 10 free mental health visits to a professional, I've done it 3 times now and its invaluable to get a handle on things.

I cant think of anything else but I do hoipe your mum will have the best of care and be proud you are coping like you are. Here is a little gift, reply anytime you wonderful soul.

Mum's s Print

Mum knew you’d want to follow

Where ever she went in her footsteps

Through your pride and loving blur

you always tried to follow her

And on Sundays a few hours spare

you be her shadow for the day to care

Girl behind her mum so tall

But she didn’t mind-didn’t mind at all.

Then as awareness cut so short

you wish to follow as your last resort

No wonder she used a broom to sweep

To hide her footstep stencilled feet

But now and then you'll see a print

Where she’s been aware in the misty tint

Like a ghostly outline of a sole

I place your foot inside the hole

Sadness will follow in your inept

It’s just something you must accept

But you will be eager the day your feet will greet

Your mother's footstep stencilled feet….

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Daisey

To say that the challenges can be tough, when it comes to helping a loved one through dementia, would have to be an understatement in some cases. I feel for you as you navigate through what can be so incredibly testing in so many different ways. 

I smile when I say I always imagined I'd be an absolute legend (in how I coped) if I ever faced one or both of my parents developing dementia. While my 89yo dad now faces some of the challenges that come with dementia, I've had some far from legendary moments in regard to managing😁. If anyone asked me 'What would you say is high up on the list of challenges?', my response would be 'All the mixed emotions that come with supporting someone with dementia'. While there can be a deep sense of love, kindness, compassion, patience etc, there can also be anger, resentment, impatience, intolerance, grief and more. One of the most challenging of all emotions would have to involve a sense of guilt. Not sure whether you've found this with your mum but I've found, with my dad, that he can be having a bad day that can lead me to feel a sense of intolerance, frustration and more. Then, when the next day is a good day, I can feel a sense of guilt about how I felt or behaved yesterday. Helping someone through dementia can feel like an emotional roller coaster ride.

It's much easier for me to have patience with my dad based on him being in an aged care facility, receiving a lot of the help he needs. I get to walk away after visiting him. Having the break means I have the time to make better sense of his struggles, my struggles with his dementia, my emotions, the ways I need to develop in order to help him and myself manage better and so on. For someone who's a full time carer, it's a different story. They don't necessarily have that time or that break that allows them such opportunities. Respite can be vital in such a case, the occasional much needed break. I can't help but wonder whether you're a full time carer, a part time carer or a casual carer (with the freedom to visit your mum when you're able).

I'd say what's made the biggest difference to me when it comes to developing more patience involves recognising my dad's inability to reason. On bad days, he completely loses his ability to see reason/s and give reason/s. On good days, he's a completely reasonable or reason able person. While he often talks about buying a new car (based on the fact we sold his car because things were becoming dangerous), I don't lead him to see the reason for not driving involving the dementia. I instead lead him to see how impossible it would be for him to lift a 17kg wheelchair into the boot of his new car, while making his way around into the driver's seat. Btw, he can barely stand on his own, let alone walk a handful of steps unassisted. To get into his head and see what would make sense to him becomes the challenge. In another case I could argue 'Dad, you can't just eat soup and ice-cream for periods at a time' or I could accept a good reason for him only eating soup and ice-cream. While such things don't offer a lot of calories and nutrition, they are better than nothing and that's a good enough reason for eating them.

Dementia is mind altering for both parties, the person who suffers from it and their carer. Altering our mind or mindset, beliefs, perceptions etc can be a massive challenge because we've perhaps never had to think or problem solve in such ways before. It can not only be mentally challenging and stressful, it can be physically challenging and stressful, based on the fact we can feel our thoughts, challenges, emotions and experiences through our nervous system. For a carer (of someone with dementia), it's not just about mental wellbeing, it's also about physical and even a soulful sense of wellbeing, which includes being kind and more understanding toward our self as we face one of the greatest challenges in our life. ❤️