Supporting a Mum with Depression who’s birthday is 1st Jan

[Megan2019]

Mum who’s on quite high medication for depression that doesn’t seem to be working, she finds it too difficult to leave the house, even more difficult to celebrate Christmas, hasn’t smiled for a while, feels she can’t do anything on her own, and doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday on 1st Jan. what do I do?

I’ve tried to encourage her that doing something small, going for lunch with immediate family would be good for her birthday, but she refuses. She says she doesn’t want to celebrate and doesn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere? I’m not sure what to do? I try to encourage her but she won’t listen. Do I just let her be?

[Doolhof]

Hi Megan,

Sorry to read your Mum is suffering so much from her depression. I know when I am depressed I think that I don't want to do things, then when I don't do them I am even more depressed! Our minds can become very negative!

I am wondering if it might be possible to have family at your Mum's just for a short period of time if your Mum is not coping too well. If everyone brings something, then your Mum may not feel so overwhelmed with preparations.

A get together at a restaurant could work well or maybe even a café just for coffee and cake if a whole meal feels daunting for your Mum.

If the weather is okay, would your Mum enjoy a drive and a picnic lunch somewhere perhaps?

I guess in the end you will just have to accept your Mum's decision, or plan something and hope it all goes well.

I am also wondering if you are able to attend a Drs appointment with your Mum. The Dr may not know just how much your Mum is struggling.

Recently my medication was changed. I have gone from a very horrid place only a couple of months ago, to now wanting to live and make plans for tomorrow!

A review may be necessary for your Mum. If this has already been done, another trip to the Dr might be advisable anyway.

All the best! Hope your Mum agrees to doing something for her Birthday! Cheers from Dools

[Megan2019]

Thank you a lot Doolhof! Your reply was helpful. She was on medication when she first started feeling the effects, then visited a psychiatrist after only seeing her GP to begin with, then the change happened to new medication which is slowly being increased over time. You’re right... a review will be good. She is still suffering. We all thought we would see a change by now for the better. At the moment being around crowds makes her feel even worse. She is super anxious and irritable and snaps at people so easily. It’s horrible for her. Something small could be good rather than a big meal somewhere far. Or even as you suggested family bringing over a meal each. I’m hoping it goes okay.

Thanks

[Doolhof]

Hi Megan,

If your Mum is suffering from anxiety as well, maybe having the family to her home might suit best, even if it is just for the afternoon, a short period of time she will be able to cope with.

Maybe if you or one of the family notice that your Mum is starting to become unsettled, you may be able to take her to a different room, maybe her bedroom and have a quiet chat until she calms down a little.

I know for me, crowds can sometimes do my head in! If I know exactly what to expect to happen, I am a lot better dealing with it.

Does your Mum have any strategies for when she starts to become too overwhelmed? Even shutting your eyes and taking in some long deep breathes can help.

It is wonderful you are so very considerate of your Mum and want her to have a lovely Birthday!

Hope it goes well!

Cheers again from Doolhof

[Megan2019]

Hi, yes, very anxious. She is jittery all the time. I can see her shaking. All she feels she is able to do is be alone, sit in the house, and think. She doesn’t feel able to go out and if she needs to get the groceries, she needs someone to go with her. We’ve all tried speaking with her about strategies however she refuses and doesnt seem to let go control of the thoughts and says she needs to stay on top of them to come up with a “solution”. Tried to get her into therapy, she had two sessions, and then stopped going as she said it made her anxious and she couldn’t stand the travel to appointments. It’s difficult as her thoughts are so prominent at the moment and so grandiose she cannot seem to get away from them.

[Doolhof]

Hi Megan,

Would it be beneficial to take your Mum to a different Dr if possible for a second opinion?

Is your Mum the sort of person who might be interesting in writing her thoughts down in a journal? I find it so beneficial to get those crazy thoughts out of my head and onto paper.

It may help your Mum if she has something physical to do to use up all that nervous energy. For me that is gardening. I get out and cut the trees back until they resemble bushes! Ha. Ha. Or I pull up bucket loads of weeds. We have a large block!

Does your Mum knit or crochet? I find keeping my hands busy helps.

Does your Mum like jigsaw puzzles? Would she have room for one in her house?

Can you think of some activities your Mum used to enjoy that you could all help her become involved in again.

Would a scrap book of family photos and some story writing around those photos be of an interest to her perhaps.

The less time I have looking at the walls and thinking about stuff, the better I feel.

I also realise there are times when we are so depressed, anxious or stressed that doing anything can seem impossible!

I hope you are able to find some answers and solutions for your Mum!

Cheers from Dools

[Carer07]

Hi Megan2019,

How did your mum's birthday go? I can understand how hard it must be for you (and your family) trying to encourage your mum through her depression and anxiety.

My family has found we have needed to accommodate for mum's lack of wanting to leave the house or go very far from it which can be frustrating when it is for a family celebration, but we try and make it more about being together and enjoying the day with mum experiencing as little stress and overwhelm as possible (otherwise it makes us all get overwhelmed with frustration and the day flies in a not so happy tone).

My mum has been suffering from major depression for more than 35 years. For her, lack of self-esteem, confidence, fear of being a failure to her kids and trusting others has been very damaging to experience for such so many decades.

Currently over the past couple years she has arrived to the point where she doesn't want to feel miserable every day anymore (which is amazing and it is the first step to wanting to change!) and she has been receiving support from BreakThru and soon NDIS. I am very excited that she is going to be receiving more support that neither I or my siblings can provide. However, I still find myself on days like today low in hope/belief she will be capable of making the commitments/changes to improve her situation (she struggles with commitment to anything seemingly small and simple or want to make changes etc. due to her low confidence and anxieties).

Doolhof's suggestions are good ones and I hope one or more of them can be beneficial to your mum. I call my mum and chat almost on a daily basis (more to check on her mood and that she is taking her medication) which we have noticed over the months she expects them, notices the days I don't call and generally looks forward to them. I try to talk about what she is thinking of doing that day, what she's doing in the garden or cooking - this can be a rewarding some days as she can get excited about them. I also often try and encourage her with strategies or remind her of things she can do to help establish good habits/behaviours to make her life easier from day to day.

If you can find something that your mum has previously enjoyed or still shows an interest in now, and incorporate that as a daily action (even a simpler or small version of it) it could just give her a bit of routine and engagement in her surroundings.

I hope you can find something helpful for you mum, and I would love to hear about it. 🙂