Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[815]

Hi teamwork,

I just wanted to reach out to you, and let you know that, your words have been heard. I felt every single bit of heart ache in what you wrote. And I hope that since you have posted that things have progressed and maybe improved a little? Reading your post, I can tell how amazing you are, caring for your three kids and standing by your husband, even if he has chosen not to stay for the time being. It must be difficult.

Working on yourself is not selfish. It's something that is very difficult sometimes for us to accept, putting ourselves first. But we have to, for the sake of those we care about. So I hope you have found some time to take care of yourself too.

Please check in and update us if you feel up to it.

[815]

So it's been almost three years since I last posted here. I have not been too far away and checking in on posts now and then and sometimes reading over what I had written in here. I guess as a reminder on where we had been, what we did to get through...

I'd been wanting to write an update for a while now, just to let you all know that despite life's ups and downs, we were still here. Together. Working through things. For whatever reason life has always gotten in the way and I haven't made the time to sit down and write.

But in the last few days, things have so quickly spiralled out of control again that I just feel like we've almost been catapulted back to five years ago when we were in that black hole. And I've spent the last day or so pouring over old posts and basically just making my own negative feelings about this all come back. And I thought...do I come back in a few days and write about this, hoping that in a few days things will be better and I can put a positive spin on it. But I wanted to be open and honest on this forum so that anyone following will know that life isn't always a fairy tale...

It has been a difficult 12 months for us. With lots of life challenges. For the most part, we have been able to hold each other's hand through it. But a few days ago, he was really upset for a reaction I had on something that he's been going through. I have apologised, my reaction was not great and his feelings of being upset are definitely justified. As usual, I didn't mean it to hurt him, I just wasn't thinking. I know there are a lot of other things going on with him at the moment...I guess maybe it's easier for him to just be angry at me right now.

We are back to the place of him wanting to do it all alone because I apparently don't care about him. He has been avoiding me for the past few days. To be fair to him, he does respond to my questions but in a very growling tone and if he can get away with it, he will give me some sort of silent response like a nod of the head.

I know I will need to try and sit down with him to talk. I still feel that his anger is too raw. But I also know that I can't wait for it to subside, because days turn into weeks which turn into months and I can't go down that path again. It's hard with the kids around (who are both now teenagers and in high school so it's harder to hide things from them) and him basically spending time as separate from me as possible. Even in the car driving together he will put the music up to full volume, I assume to deter me from trying to speak to him.

All of these actions I know are trademarks of him being angry due to the depression and not necessarily at me. You'd think that after going through it so harshly the first time I'd know better how to deal with it. But even with all the reading and with all the experience, life isn't as predictable as the text. But as my friend told me, we have gotten through this before...and we can do it again. She said to make sure I take care of me, and stay true to myself. That will get us through (I hope!)

[815]

So here I am again...I finally got the chance to speak to my husband last night as our children are at my parents' house for a few days. He has basically told me that he is depressed again and that it is all my fault. There was a lot of yelling on his part - questioning why he deserves to be so unhappy and all the blame has fallen on me...

Until that conversation, he hasn't really mentioned any of this to me so it has caught me totally off guard.

As I mentioned, the main trigger point that he has said to me is that I had made fun of a bad situation he is going through. Which I had explained that I honestly didn't mean to react that way and I have apologised. He also mentioned that I'm always on my phone at night, which I find unfair as he is also on his phone at times. But also, we are supposed to communicate with each other and he has not communicated any of this with me. When I asked what else exactly is making him unhappy, he asked me if I was stupid because I didn't know...

Something has definitely changed. And I am wondering whether the medication he is on is no longer effective. I've done some reading on this and know it can happen. I haven't mentioned this to him because I know in his current state, the reaction will be, that I am trying to find excuses and reasons or something else to blame for this instead of me.

So to this end, I have booked an appointment for the both of us to go and speak to his GP, although unfortunately it is not until next Wednesday. I did ask if he'd be willing to go and walk in today to try to see him sooner but he outright refused despite my pleading. He didn't say no to going to see the GP next week, he said he'd think about it but he doesn't want to go. I have managed to this morning get an appointment for this coming Thursday - but I'm honestly not sure whether to even bother with changing things around as I'm sure that will just make him angry again.

I must admit that I got a bit on the defensive last night when he started attacking me with his words. He said he doesn't want to have to go through this again, the counselling etc. And that he doesn't deserve this. But I asked him what the alternative is. And he said he doesn't know.

He says he's exhausted of dealing with this stuff. And I understand. So am I. The past few days have been horrific and my own health is already suffering, I can't even imagine what it is like for him. And my heart breaks so much and I'm not quite sure yet how to deal with the children through all of this. Whether I sit them down and tell them the situation straight up, or let them come to me and ask questions...which who knows if they will. Though I was thinking maybe this is a conversation that I should force my husband to be a part of. He shouldn't be ashamed of what he is going through and we need to be able to deal with this openly and honestly with the children.

He also asked me why do I just pretend that nothing's going on - because I still continue on with the day to day tasks and ask him about dinner, and taking the girls to activities etc. But what else am I expected to do? As much as it sucks we still have to get on with life...

And last time, I went through this thing of where I just completely stopped talking to him. I promised myself I would not do that again. My psychologist told me last time that I need to feel empowered in the choices that I make with trying to reconnect with him. If that means he chooses to reject me then that's OK, as long as I own my choices.

I also know that depression, unfortunately, can resurface. With life changes, body changes etc. It sucks to have to be here again though that's for sure. And I totally get what my husband feels when he says, how many more times would we have to go through this? And I honestly can't answer that. I wish it would be never. I wish depression didn't ever exist... 😞

[TrueSeeker]

Hello 815

I'm so sorry that you're going through all this, I can see that you're doing your best and that's all you can do. It can be very heart breaking and frustrating when we see our partners suffer while they don't want any help or open up.

I've been through this twice. First time, my ex partner refused to do anything, it was all my fault and he got angry every time I tried to talk. He became aggressive and I left him. He got pushed to sort himself out after that, I'm not really sure what the result was.

Second time with my new partner, he was slowly getting worse but I didn't want to push anything as he kept saying he's fine and life wasn't that great either so I kind of understood. Then he started getting more and more confused. I pushed him to open up. To be honest, I'm not sure whether it was done right way or not and it wasn't easy on both of us. And I strongly recommend professional help as it can make it much easier. He did open up, felt better for it and eventually became much more comfortable with talking about problems when they come up and not to bottle it up. He says that he feels stronger and more confident that he can handle his mind and life. As much as it was hard, he says he's better for it.

I think that sometimes people are scared to open up as they might fall apart and that can be very scary. When we get that upset that we reach fight or fight mode, our mind can become very dark place. All sorts of unwanted thoughts can come but they are just thoughts and a result of our basic instincts that we have to protect ourselves. Once we calm down, stop seeing threats and accept that everyone is just trying to survive, nobody's perfect and not hate them for it, those thoughts go away.

It can be very hard to open up when our upbringing taught us to just toughen up and get over it. Eventually all our troubles get build up and we can get so emotional that it's hard to process it and make sense out of things. When we have someone that we can openly talk to, it's much easier to calm down and process things properly. We might feel weak at that moment but once it's sorted, our confidence comes back and we feel stronger because we learnt how to deal with things in a healthier more efficient way.

I hope that this helped a little bit for you to understand what is going on and make it a bit easier to decide what you would like to do about it. If you have any questions or anything to help you to get through this please feel free to post

[815]

Hi TrueSeeker,

Thank you so much for your reply.

My husband has been getting professional help throughout. It hasn't stopped for him. The appointments with his psychologist had reduced to monthly I believe. But in the last little bit I think have increased again. He only really tells me when he has appointments if I ask him. And then I'll ask how it went and he'll just say 'ok'. I guess I could have pushed a little more but I don't like to push, but I also thought that he'd open up to me on his own given that we did go to counselling together and we had discussed all of this. I guess he's just fallen back into that hole again.

And I agree - I think a lot of it is that he is fearful of opening up and showing his true feelings. I also get the sense that deep down he knows that I care, but doesn't accept that it's possible for that to be real.

I've decided to leave the appointment with the GP for next week rather than suggesting we go earlier. He didn't say no and I have to hope that the time in between will give him a bit of breathing space to reconsider where he's at and come with me. I told him that it is for his health first as the priority. But we also need help to get through this.

I was pretty blunt last night though. He told me he can't keep going through this again. I told him to pick then and tell me what the alternative is. He said he doesn't know. So I'm being a little bit more forceful this time. I know that there are things I still need to change. I'm not perfect. But I told him it can't just be me changing. He has to meet me somewhere in the middle (of course I don't think he agrees at this point in time).

I have also since spoken to my mum over the phone who cried for me. But it was good to have that pressure of hiding our issues from her because we see them regularly and if all of a sudden we're not there together she will have questions and I'd rather she knew up front so that I don't have that extra emotional baggage to deal with.

I've also decided that depending on the outcome of his choice to go to the appointment with me next week and how he continues to treat me, that if I have to sit down with the kids to let them know what's happening (because they will definitely see what's going on) that he is to be part of that conversation. Is it wrong for me to expect him to have some accountability and responsibility for the well being of our children?

I have also prepared myself for the worst - him deciding not to work through this together. I know it sounds very drastic but I need to do this in order to protect myself and the kids. I do hold onto hope. But last time the fear of him leaving drastically hindered my decisions and my choices to continue to reach out to him. I won't make that mistake this time and if I can control my fear of what's to come then I hope that will give me more clarity.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello 815

I can see that you have given this a lot of thought and definitely doing your best. You have covered all possibilities and options available to you. As much as we feel like we should do more, that's all we can do. It's really hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It's him that needs to decide what he wants to do, see the consequences as well and understand that there is always help available to him. There is a way out of it whenever he decides to proceed and accept help and have a good life that you both deserve.

I really hope that it will all work out for you whichever way it goes, you're very caring and do everything in your power. And yes, nobody is perfect, we're all just human and it's way too much for anyone to be expected to be perfect.

Please try to have a bit of a break as it can be very exhausting, you do deserve good care too and let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it

[815]

Thanks TrueSeeker for your reply.

I wish I had a better update. This morning I tried to talk to him. He told me he wants to move out and has been looking for a place...I am shocked and heart broken. I'm feeling very hopeless right now.

Interestingly, he has opened up to his sister who is overseas, how he knows I am very close to. She has told him that she thinks he should try and work it out. He has admitted that he knows he needs more help but he's tired of having spent the last 5 years on medication and in counselling and is not feeling like things have improved. She has told him that unfortunately she thinks this is something he has to manage for the rest of his life. He's not sure yet if he's 100% done with me, but he's very close and he really doesn't know what else to do.

He did tell her, also interestingly, that he has a GP appointment on Wednesday. I'm not what to make of this, because I had told him I'd booked an appointment for us. So I'm not sure if he has booked one on his own or he will actually come with me. My support network has told me that regardless, I should still go as I need my own support too.

I also asked him he hasn't mentioned any of this until now. For the past few years he has been acting like things are OK. He says things have been very forced. But then I just wish he had been honest with me all this time rather than it all exploding like this.

I also did ask him if we need to talk to our daughters. Because they will surely be able to see that things are not great right now. He said he doesn't know. Though he has told his sister that he knows it will impact them, he just isn't sure how.

I feel like he is lashing out at me, taking out all his anger and frustration of this latest bout of depression on the one person he knows won't actually walk away. And I also feel like he is trying to push me, to see how far I can be pushed and that if he pushes me enough, that I will just take the girls and go. And then it will prove everything that he thinks about me right now. 

I know it's the depression. I know it's not him. I know it's not me. But it's so hard for me to see that right now, so I imagine it's even 100 times harder for him to see that...

Still holding onto hope but I'm almost out of it right now...

[TrueSeeker]

I can see that your husband still needs some time to clear his head and decide what he wants to do. As you're saying it would be much easier for everyone if he felt comfortable to openly talk about what is happening.

Sometimes all we can do is to just let them know that we're here whenever they do decide to talk, that we love them and want everyone to have good life. It is a part of life to have down moments and it's ok to help each other to go through it. We're not meant to be in it on our own and just talking can make things much easier and life much better.

[815]

Hi TrueSeeker,

Thank you for the ongoing virtual support. I'm honestly quite exhausted from it all right now but still holding on (barely).

So we made it to the GP, together. Despite all the anger thrown my way, he actually let me drive him there. When we went in to the GP's office, I asked my husband if he wanted to speak first. He said that I could speak, since he didn't even know why we were there. So I guess that sort of set the tone in front of the GP.

So I told the GP, that he has been having sleeping problems but that seems to have been caused by other stressors, and while for the most part I thought we had been managing the depression and other stressors in life, that he needed help and so I had asked him to come and speak to the GP, and was grateful that he had come with me.

Our GP has been supporting my husband through this for the past 5 years, so he has all his medical history and has seen him at his worst. He asked my husband if he would like to continue the conversation in private, or whether it was OK for me to stay. My husband said he didn't care, so I stayed. I sat, and I listened to everything he had to say.

He made mention of how he said I had made fun of his situation with not being able to sleep, and that there may have been a time where he could let it go, but not now. And therefore he just isn't interested in talking to me about anything. Then he went on for another long while talking about the latest lot of things going on his life that is causing him anxiety and stress. While I know all of what he was saying (we have discussed these things together also very recently) the man I saw in that doctor's office was a very different man to the one I know outside of depression.

The GP has prescribed him different medication to try to deal with the sleep issues first. It's been two nights but I don't think he has had any relief yet. That is making him even more angry. He now also has a referral for a psychiatrist but the wait is 3-6 months. In the meantime we came home, and he continues to eat food that I provide for him, and he will speak to me very rudely if I ask him about logistics etc related to our children. However I think he knows he can't avoid communicating with me on that.

The GP had said for him to see him again in 1-2 weeks. I had asked the GP if he thinks I should join him at that appointment and he said that is for my husband to decide. I went ahead and booked the appointment for next Friday anyway. When I told my husband last night - he lashed out at me. He told me to stop doing these things, and that it's not helping at all. All he got out of the last appointment was new medication and an additional specialist he has to see. I told him that I have booked the appointment. I will take him there, he can decide if I go in with him but he should still go. Despite him continuing to go on about it not helping, he hasn't said no and he said a few other things but I just left after that because I feel we are going around in circles.

The GP apologised to me after about not being able to address any of our marriage issues. I told him that that is not why I took my husband to the GP. In fact I didn't even mention anything about our relationship, that was my husband.

I am grateful my husband let me stay. I feel in some ways, he probably really does want me to know what is going on with him, but could I be right in thinking that he might be fearful to tell me to my face and so doing it through a third person is easier for him right now? Or am I reading into it too much? I also do believe that he knows he needs help. But it's sometimes easier to just not do anything than to face the fear of the unknown and having to deal with it all.

My SIL has said to just keep pushing on. He needs someone to hold him accountable and push him, so that's what I'm trying to do. He will be angry either way. But if he's angry at me for doing something I'd rather that than him be angry for me not trying.

[815]

So to add to this, I have spoken more to my SIL and she has told me that he apparently told me last night (maybe it was when I walked away or when he mumbled something to me) that I am going to kill him with all these doctor's appointments and medication. I am actually quite hurt by that because that is definitely not my intention.

My SIL has said that he needs to keep going to these appointments to get himself sorted and she is glad he is going to. He stopped messaging her after that. He probably knows deep down that she's right but just doesn't want to admit it.

Anyway I have spoken to my mum, who continues to be invaluable support, as well as a few friends. With them I am getting by, and holding on. My mum told me to be patient, look after the kids and stand by my husband. While I believe that he will get through this, what I'm doubtful about is my own strength get through it this time.