Struggling with my struggling wife

[AfterLoss]

Thanks for letting me vent! 

We'll have our 10 year wedding anniversary soon, but it's been a tough road. 

My wife has a major depressive disorder, OCD and ADD.

Before our kids were born, she made a total of six suicide attempts and I had to admit her to a psychiatric facility against her will (technically two, but one was very brief).

Our relationship is pretty bad. I feel like 90% of our conversations are negative and she constantly complains about things that to me aren't worth complaining about. 

But that to me isn't the worst of it, the worst of it is that she seems to be angry at me at least 50% of the time. She gets angry at me over nothing. ALL. THE. TIME. 

I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it. I don't listen, I can be very lazy, I'm messy, I'm not as emotionally available as she needs me to be (particularly after she gets angry at me).

I know it's her pain manifesting as anger, but I'm finding it impossible not to take it personal, her being hostile all the time. 

She gets EXTREMELY stressed (and then angry) about anything out of the ordinary.

What's worse is that we're planning to move to Europe for most of next year and this is creating major friction. So I feel like I have the choice between a horrible time getting ready (and potentially a horrible time while we're over there) or cancelling our plans and not have any adventures for the rest of our lives. 

Neither of those sound like an acceptable scenario.

One other thing causing problems is that my dad died suddenly a year ago. I really struggled with it and she was amazing during that time, but while I'm obviously not "over it", I've dealt with it head on and while I still think about him all the time and dream about him most nights (he was by far the most influential person in my life), I like thinking about him and they're happy memories. 

For my wife it's different. She cared about him a lot too (probably especially because her dad is a terrible parent), but she avoided thinking about it a lot and now still gets very upset when thinking about him. 

While it might seem that my dad's death might not be that relevant to our marriage, it is directly related to our biggest conflict: A third child.

She DESPERATELY wants another child, but every bone in my body is just not at all interested in having another child. I feel that I'm past the season of my life where I want to have babies.

Continued below.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It certainly reads as a tough time in your lives. When we are in these situations of anger we sometimes lose sight of any logic or planning as our daily lives are filled with emotion and frustration, no way to have a happy marriage and especially a third child. So immediately after readin your post I had these thoughts-

• You both could benefit enormously with a couples counselor
• That your wife is likely not to realise the gravity of her criticisms (as seen with her wanting another baby)
• That there is a "half cup" attitude that creeps in during conversations and this needs to be reversed. (A counselor would help)
• There's no mention of hobbies or interests that you both can enjoy with your kids resulting in lack of variety
• That her attitude towards you might well have happened with any spouse she married looking at her illnesses.
• That you havent got the strategies to counter her criticisms.

With lack of strategies when a spouse criticises you (excessively) it's healthy to have the ability to counter it. To do this you need to get into the habit of asking questions. eg You forgot to take out the rubbish on rubbish night. She says "Again you forgot the rubbish bins when are you going to stop forgetting"? you- "Humans forget things .... so I'm human and I'm happy about that. Have you got a suggestion on how to remember it"? Now if she hasnt got one then she would forget also if it was her chore. But her manner in reminding you shouldn't be in a critical tone. 

Wife- "I want another baby, I really do". You- "so do you think we could manage another child in our circumstances like 2 kids and mental illness issues"? Wife- "We'll be fine". You- "well I am half the marriage and my feelings are firm, we need both to agree to it- do you think thats right?- I dont think I could manage well at all with a third child".  Such discussions is ideal to introduce the concept of a couples counselor. With such issues remember you have equal input into decision making.

A counselor would also make clear the grief process that you havent overcome with your father. Also her criticisms and tone of addressing you should improve.

I havent got much more to offer except I noticed with my ex wife with our two young kids that she left a lot of work to me like changing nappies and washing when I worked 3 jobs. The level of consideration was minimal on her part. 

I hope you feel a little better since you posted.

Reply anytime  TonyWK