Struggling living with husband with mental illness

[Sad_carer]

My husband & I have been together 36 years, married for 32. I was 16 when we started dating & knew I met my soul mate. Our life was really great, we were best friends, never fought & we were so in love. My husband had a couple of bouts of depression which he recovered from with counselling & medication. Then in late 2010 he suffered severe anxiety & melancholic depression which was treatment resistant. Our wonderful doctor (who specialises in mental health) helped my husband through his previous bouts of illness sent him to a psychologist & psychiatrist. After counselling & changes in medication failed to work he was admitted to hospital for ECT. After 10 rounds we decided to stop as he was hallucinating which was distressing. He spent 7 weeks in hospital having the ECT, counselling & medication changes but was still very unwell when he came home. I went to hospital every day, went to almost all of his counselling sessions & psychiatrist visits for 5 1/2 years & during this time I had him on suicide watch twice. My life changed so much & then he finally started to come back. We took a trip overseas which was amazing but when we returned things started to change. It was gradual so it took me until things became really bad that I went to our doctor & explained everything to her. She advised me to go to the psychiatrist again with him who diagnosed bipolar. Once again my husband was not the man he used to be & I struggled to come to terms with another mental illness, more medical visits & more changes in medication. It's now been about 9 months & although he has improved a lot, things between us have changed. I still care for him but my feelings aren't the same & I don't love him anymore. Our marriage has deteriorated so much that it's close to being over. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought this would happen to us. We were an almost perfect couple. Last Friday I went & had a good talk to our doctor & she has strongly suggested we have some relationship counselling which my husband & I have both decided to do. I feel so bad though because it's his illness that has changed him & therefor causing the issues so it's not his fault. But I have been through so much, I am extremely unhappy & I'm scared about the major change that could happen in my life if we don't get our marriage back on track. I'm feeling very confused & no one I can talk to really understands my situation. Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar & what the outcome was?

[SKH]

I feel saddened by these posts and your stories. I can completely relate- this is the first time I’ve commented or reached out. I know this thread finished years ago but I hope you are all doing ok. I am not. I feel sad because when I read your posts I realise it’s not going to get better. 
I’ve been with my husband since we were 16. Together for 25 years.. married for 18. 
I’ve gone up and down this roller coaster and I’m broken. Now I find myself fantasizing about divorce and separation so I can breathe and be myself. So I don’t have to tiptoe around egg shells anymore. 
yesterday he told me we have no future and we want different life style. He just wants to be alone when he’s at peace. 
I feel he avoids all his responsibilities. We have 4 kids and even asking him to pick one of them up from sport annoys him. 
so one day I decided that if I wanted to be with him I’d just have to understand he doesn’t and won’t do things like that. He says things like when I do everything I’m being a Marta but if ask him to help he gets annoyed or yells at me. 
people / friends notice often saying oh where’s your husband or oh gee I’ve ever seen him here watching the kids. It’s actually embarrassing 
I’m at the point where I need happiness more than half my life I had to deal with this and I’m exhausted. 
I want someone to turn up for me and the kids. I have to have surgery and he is going fishing instead. And I have no one to drop me off and pick me up. This isn’t this first time.. 
I just don’t know how to separate. Or how to minimise pain for our 4 kids. 
I cannot see how he will improve. Any advice would be greatly appreciated