Seeking support / advice, BPD ex-girlfriend.

[Bananahammock]

Hey guys, 

I'm new here. I've been apart from my ex, who suffered from BPD and depression, for 7 months. We've worked things out previously, though I physically left four times. 

The time apart has made me look at my own role in things, and I'm returning to therapy, educational tools and some sessions with a Buddhist monk to explore mindfulness and other skills. Probably too little too late, but I feel I really understand now what it takes to support a loved one with mental illness and, well, I want to be there for her. 

We recently reconnected (my doing) and I know she is in a lot of pain. I know she still misses and loves me, but the abandonment and shame is something I can see she is struggling with, and rightfully so. 

Guess I'm wondering if any of you have been in the situation where you felt you had to leave, but were able to return and get your relationship back on track later on. How did you discuss and handle the fear of abandonment brought on by your leaving? What were the best skills you learned to ensure the same old mistakes weren't made? 

I've let her know I'm here for her and I've done everything possible to reassure her of my intentions, and I'm sure she even believes me at times, it's just the fear of being hurt again is understandably a huge hurdle. She's also (I believe) worried about the shame of telling friends and family we are together again, after sharing our on again off again history with them in the past. 

Thanks in advance for any advice. 

BH 

[AGrace]

Hi BH,

I haven't been in your exact situation, but I do have BPD, so I get the fear of abandonment that your girlfriend is experiencing.

It sounds to me like you are already doing a lot of great things to help reassure your girlfriend that you are in a better place both personally and for the sake of your relationship, and that you are ready to deal with your girlfriend's ups and downs. It's natural as part of the symptoms that your girlfriend might not find this reassurance enough, but remember it is because of the illness, and not because she wouldn't believe you if you were well.

I say this because often no level of reassurance is enough for us, and I don't want you feeling like you have to go to the ends of the earth to prove your love and commitment to her. I recently had a chat with my Psychologist about the idea that my partner doesn't believe in marriage. Of course the BPD had me believing that if he didn't want to marry me then he would one day leave me. She got me to consider whether I would really feel 100% secure even if he did marry me. It was a tough question to answer, but eventually I realised the answer was no, because the BPD would always want more.

Is your girlfriend getting treatment and support for the BPD? Has she completed a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy program? Is she taking medication as additional support?

I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her, this will be proof enough, and will speak louder than any words.

I hope this is helpful.

AGrace