How do you help someone who blames you for the depression

[Melody123]

My husband has a history of depression and in the past three months we have both been under a lot of stress, we have been arguing a lot, and now he is severely depressed.  He blames me for his depression, he has said he no longer loves me and has threatened to separate or commit suicide.  I can see we have just been very overcommitted lately and have not had any time to relax, and some thigs have gone badly due to factors outside our control, he has also had other unrelated health problems. I have not handled the stress well either and have been more argumentative than usual as I feel my own mental health and self control slipping. He is adamant its all my fault, that I have not been supportive enough.  He will not talk to anyone else about this, I have suggested a councillor, or family, he refuses.  He said he is done talking to me. He has completely withdrawn and is not speaking to me, it's day 2.  How can I help him when he pushes me away?  Do I just give him space and wait?

[white knight]

Hi M,  welcome here to Beyond Blue

You are in no mans land!.  Stubborness? naivity? Whatever his reason for his stance- where does that leave you? I while back I wrote a thread about 'caring for the carer'. Simple short gestures depressed person can say and do for their carer because "they suffer too due to your illness". These short comments like "hello darlibng how was your day" from the ill person to their carer as their carer walks through the door from work....will at least make the carer feel worthwhile and can express details of his/her day.

You arent getting any help from the man that is suppose to be helpful at least towards you to save his relationship from collapse.

I'd go to a counsellor myself. Start with your GP, discuss the issue with him. Once you have obtained help your partner might change his mind.

Your options are limited. But take care of yourself as a priority.

[Barbarak]

Hi Melody, your husband sounds very similar to mine. As I was dropping him off at the emergency dept to try to prevent a suicide attempt last year, he said that the fact that he wanted to commit suicide was all my fault (this is after I had dashed out of work to drive him to the hospital!) The fact is that it is not your fault. He is sick, and he needs to seek treatment, medication and/or counselling. While you are doing the best you can do, he has to out in some effort to access the help available. Chin up, some days are better than others, and there is always someone here to see your side.

[geoff]

dear Melody, I do hope that you are still checking the site, as it's been awhile since you posted.

Normally the first person that a depressed person targets is the one they love, and in this situation it's unfortunately you.

It's because the person who is not depressed tries valiantly to reason with the depressed person, but there's little chance it will work, because it's impossible, and why this happens is due to the fact that what they are thinking only goes in one direction, and that's downwards, all in a negative way.

There is no way you can discuss any of this in a respectable mature way, and don't worry it happened with me, as I was in denial, and didn't need any help, nor medication so my misery continued on, not that I thought it was like this, because if I had known then I may have wanted professional help.

Before I answer your question I can see that all of this is taking it's toll on you and that you are slipping away into anxiety which will then turn into depression, you can't help this from happening, it's just the process of how the 'carer' falls to the disease, so what you need to do now is to go and see your GP, because you won't be able to cope with this situation until your mind is thinking clearly again

Can I suggest is that you click under 'resources' at the top of this page and order all the printed material from BB which is free for you, but it will completely outline everything about depression, all the facts and ideas which will give you a better understanding, and the same goes for Barbarak, as she is in the same position.

WK has given you some ideas from a previous post he set up, so I hope that you find it or perhaps type it in the search bar.

The alternative is to keep quite, which I know is going to hurt you, but if you decide to force him to speak then what he says won't be to your liking.

Unfortunately it's going to a long process for the both of you, as no one can click their fingers and make it go away, it's such an awful illness that clings to people for as long as it takes to overcome this disease.

I do hope that you can get back to us, as there are more conversations that need to be done between us all. L Geoff. x