Please help us help our girl

[Net]

We have a beautiful 16 year old girl who has suffered with depression and anxiety since 13 and is progressively getting worse. We have seen 3 different GP's, 2 psychiatrist and 4 psychologist. All say that she cannot be helped until she is willing to open up and receive help. She has never been on medication.  I have rang Head space and they say bring her to the office but she doesn't want to go. Her behaviour has been nasty, disrespectful and we are feeling that the situation is out of our control. We have taken her phone and internet access as a consequence for behaviour. Are we doing the right thing? I woke up at 2am today  and cried for hours. Any advice would be appreciated - we just want our girl to be happy!

[blondguy]

Dear Net

Without repeating the help above...this is only a 'though' for you..

Recently I visited my daughters school psychologist for...My daughter was 15 at the time...The psychologist mentioned that the girls behavior during their hormonal adjustment is worse than the boys...far worse..

The problem here is your daughters anxiety/depression...It would be very difficult to draw a line between the 'belligerent' behavior with a non anxiety sufferer and your daughters behavior.

I used to take my daughters phone away when she swore at me..It helped somewhat...

What really worked was ignoring the bad behavior...This was very difficult to do...so I had no reaction to her when she spat the dummy anymore....ie: not feeding the fire. Your daughter wants a reaction...and she gets one.I am not sure if this would work with your daughter but it did here...

I think Paul (2nd from top) is spot on...with the gentle heart...or fixing her the anger with kindness (and being absolutely deaf when she fires up...she should become bored and walk away...should)

I feel like I am fumbling here a bit Net...please forgive me as its close to my heart...

* Is she by herself at lunchtime...recess? Or is she with a friend(s)?

* Do you have a school counselor?

* She may be having difficulty coping socially at school....try to find out if poss...

* The 'attitude' may require heaps of TLC ....thankyou Jayvee...

I have had depression/anxiety for many years Net. Try to approach the issue (if you wish to...) from a non anxiety point of view...just incase it is 'not fitting in' at school or the change in hormones. You cant fix everything at once....be gentle to yourself Net...

I agree with taking away privileges but its not working...Kids have it tougher nowadays than we did....Be gentle with her give her toys back...and (if you can) later if  she gets nasty...just turn around and walk away....gently. I used to pretend I was 'bored' when my daughter started up..I actually had the bored look on my face...You have nothing to lose and everything to gain Net...I hope you can diffuse the situation....

Your daughter sounds very fragile...(the attitude is a pain but a cry for help Nat) ...be Kind & Gentle with her and to yourself of course.....

I hope you can post back if you want to 🙂

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi Net.  When I first read your post, my initial thought was, at 16 she'd be in about year 10/11.  Her school work load would be pretty massive.  Is she generally quite popular.  I'm wondering if she's being cyber bullied and too scared to tell anyone.  Taking her phone and internet access could make school work difficult, a lot of their schoolwork today means they need access to the internet.  Perhaps you could find a way of asking her what she's studying, if this is causing her concern.  Another avenue to think about: Kids helpline.  Not sure what the phone number is, maybe someone here on the forums might know.  With kids helpline, she could talk on the phone without leaving the house.  If she's being bullied in any way, she would be terrified of letting anyone know she's going to Head space.  Her anger, lashing out general behaviour could be self attack but she needs someone to lash out at, so you're the target.  She sounds terrified of people in general.  Does she have any real close friends who could shed some light on her problem.  Keep letting her know how much you love and want to help her.  School counsellors are usually pretty good too, but, if she is being bullied, that would be the last place she'd want to go.  Try phoning Kids help line.  Let her know she doesn't have to leave the house to talk to them.  Once she knows she can talk safely at home, she may open up a bit.

All the best.