New wife, newborn, depressed husband

[Kaylee92]

Hi,
I have been feeling overwhelmed as of late and thought I'd join the community.

My husband have almost been married for a year, and I recently gave birth to our daughter who is currently 3 months old. My husband had been distant and irritable for majority of last year, I thought it was due to still working through the pandemic, stress about having a baby. However a few weeks ago after a long strained year of our relationship he finally opened up and told me he has been suffering depression for most of his life, he had attempted suicide when I was 9 months pregnant, he has been abusing drugs, but felt he reached a point where he was afraid I was going to leave so finally was honest and told me what he has been going through and feeling.

It has been a few weeks since finding out, our intimacy has returned and he had been sharing his feelings and thoughts but it is still so hard to be wary not to say or do anything that could trigger him into a bad mood, especially being a first time mum and trying to cope with my own anxieties and stressors from that.

Just have been feeling like I am treading water in the deep end.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kaylee,

Welcome to the forums! We're so grateful that you have reached out here to share what you are going through. We're really sorry to hear what your partner is going through at the moment. We understand that learning all of this must also have a big impact on you as well. It's great to hear that he has been able to share with you what he has been going through, and that this has improved your intimacy. He sounds very lucky to have such a caring partner like yourself.

You might find some helpful advice on our page "Worried about someone suicidal" https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/worried-about-someone-suicidal
Has your partner been accessing any kind of mental health support? You may want to recommend that he get in touch with MensLine for some advice. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Kaylee92~

First of welcome here to the forum and congratulations on your 3-month old. Being a new mum is strange territory for anyone, and books and so on are not all that is needed. It is natural to worry if you are doing the right thing all the time, that your baby's health is good and nothing goes wrong

It takes a lot of getting used to (and a lot less sleep 😞

I would hope you have some support for your new motherhood, my wife had her mum who was experienced and on hand to help - do you have anyone like that?

Now the uncharted territory is living wiht someone you love who suffers depression and has been suicidal. Worrying about is state, and worrying if you are going to say something out of line (you are not) is exhausting

I think it is a tribute to the love between you that he opened up and said how he had been feeling all the itme and about his attempt.

That is a really big plus.

I was in that situation and did not open up for a very long time, which simply made things harder. Though when I did open up -and it was to my wife too - that was the start of things gettng better.

That happened for me with medical help, I saw a doctor then a psychiatrist and treatment began.

Has your husband got medical support? If he has then he needs to have a serious conversation with them , their regime is not working and needs a review. They also needs to know about the suicidal thoughts and attempt.

If he has no medic support now is he time to get it -even if it is hard for him to tell a doctor all about it, it needs doing, and like me will find the path gets easier.

Does he have anyone he can talk with apart from yourself? While that is excellent it does place an awful lot of burden on you.

How to help? Well just listening, showing care and assuring him you will always be there for him, plus praise, is fine. If he would help with the baby that would be good too, though without pressure.

You can help him make a safety plan like I have. It is free, fits on a smartphone filled in in advance and you reach for it when frightened or overwhelmed

Apart from the usual emergency numbers and people it has room for all sorts of things to give a lift or have made him happy in the past. As I found them hard to remember so I needed my wife's knowledge of me to fill it in properly. Everything from You-Tube clips to pets and music

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

I'm out of room, hope you come back and keep talking with us

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Kaylee

Welcome to the forums, you've made a great decision to join the BB forums and I hope you find this a safe and supportive space for you.

Hugs on the birth of your sweet baby girl!! Congratulations. This is a beautiful thing.

I'm so sorry about all the distress you're feeling over your H.
It's such a sad time for this to be happening. (Not that there's ever a "good time" to find out all this stuff).
I know the shoulds of the situation but this is just not the case with so many new mums also.

I've had lots of children and varying experiences after births with husbands not coping.

I WISH I'd had the forums back then!
Also the helplines because you know there are lots of hormones to deal with ongoing on top of the huge stressors your facing with H.
Plus a tiny baby who needs you 24/7.
It's tough.

I encourage you to call a helpline and talk with a Counsellor or psychologist ANY TIME YOU NEED TO.
I call 1800RESPECT and this helpline is in line with what you're going through right now.
Ofcourse the BB helpline is available too.

Overall you really need to put some SELF-CARE into periods throughout your day.
Definitely sleep when the baby sleeps.
The housework can be done with her in a baby carrier, it's just NOT as important as YOU getting rest.
I had baths with my babies, just so I GOT one!

Also getting OUT of the house, to mingle with others like at Playgroup (yes even for newborns) or to visit family. Please prioritise building and strengthening your network.

I hope your H can seek help.
Not sure the status of his drug use?
Not sure if he's willing to see his GP to get a referral to a Counsellor / Psychologist experienced in depression, drug taking, suicidiality, possibly childhood issues?

It's completely understandable that you feel you've been treading water in the deep end.
You're actually keeping your whole family afloat right now!

But the buoys to maintain you all will NOT be all on you!
You aren't qualified to deal with Hs major MH issues. Even if you HAD quals, he's a relative and needs other ppl to help him.

Please give us updates on how you're going.

HUGS!
Love EM

[Kaylee92]

Thank you!
I have read up on the suicidal pages just to be more aware if he goes back into that mindset I can be prepared.

He has started to look into speaking to a psychologist, just trying to find one that feels right in our area.

I will let him know about the mensline number as that could be more accessible to him.

Thank you!

[Kaylee92]

Hi Croix,
Thank you for your kind words. I do have support from my family and my in laws if I need in regards to the baby.

I am glad to hear opening up to your wife had helped you, so im feeling optimistic this is a good first step.

He has looked into seeing a professional to speak to and is taking the necessary steps to help manage his thoughts.

Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.

Kaylee

[geoff]

Hello Kaylee, a very warm welcome to the site and on top of being a new mum, congratulations on your new daughter and what you have to now cope with, your husband has told you he is depressed and probably has been hiding it for years, but he has loved you, that's why you got married, but with depression it's so difficult to even show or tell you sincerely that he still does love you, but I'm really sorry that drugs are involved.

I'm not justifying his use of drugs as it will not help him to overcome his depression, it may only feed his addiction, so at the moment you have two people that need looking after and saying he will look into seeing a professional is different than actually going ahead with it, but it's certainly needs to be encouraged.

What ever is involved with his depression may not have anything to do with you, that's what is unclear, but you need to look after your daughter, if however, he needs to talk with you, then he has to respect the time you spend with your daughter, because as much as you do want to discuss his problems, it's not allowing the love and connection between you and your daughter when you are feeding her.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Kaylee92]

Hi Em,
Thank you so much!
Being a mother is definitely a 24/7 job.

I have joined mother group and have some friends who have had kids around the same time, so I am not short of people to visit to get out of the house with.

He has stopped the drug use, his moment of clarity included stopping the short term fixes and start focusing on long term management.
In the process of getting a psychologists help. He seems really positive, which is wonderful.

Thank you for your kind words.
Kaylee

[Kaylee92]

Hi Geoff,
Thank you for your welcome.

I do understand that looking into professional help and actually going through with it is two different steps. I am willing to give him some time to actually commit to taking that step, as he has seen psychologists in the past and they were anything but helpful, so his hesitancy stems from that. The difference this time is that he has a wife and child which he never expected to have.

He has clarified the depression has nothing to do with me, as it's been a struggle he has had for most of his life.

He also has always been more than supportive of me being a new mother, regardless of what he was going through, he has always tried to be there since she has been born.

Thank you
Kirstie